another entry for the critics
My life is going no where. Nothing's bad, but on the same note, nothing's good. I'm just traveling down this fucking road with no hills and no holes. It fucking pisses me off. I'm sick.. sinus infection says the doc. Went to the doctor finally... They gave me antibiotics... ugh. such bullshit. I keep telling my sister.. just let my body heal itself.. the more it takes the stronger it will get.. but they go to the doctor for every little bruise they get so there's no way they'd let me not go. paranoia. Missed the NRT. oh well. I feel abandoned. I feel cold. I feel so alone. I'm missing everything. I'm here and I really have noone to talk to at all. If I died right now.. I wander how many people would go to my funeral.. if I were to have a funeral.. I'd rather just be creamated, or donated to science or something. I'm thinking if I did.. maybe 5 people.. including my family (sisters, kurt, dad, uncle maybe) would show up, 6 or 7 if I'm lucky. While I'm on that, I wander how many people would even notice I was missing. If no one would go to the person and tell them I was dead, would they notice that I've been gone? It's not like anyone looks for me each day in hopes to talk to me, and if I weren't there, they wouldn't bother calling to see if I was alright. I'd be completely forgotten. I miss having friends. Ugh, and how I wish I didn't want friends. Just 1 really good friend is all I really need. Just 1. 1 who really cares and would call me if I wasn't there, like I used to have. Till I moved. Now, even though me and Dayna and Jordan are friends, we're not as close as we used to be. I can still tell them the majority of anything but.. we just don't talk as much. And as far as tampa now.. well I have no one here. not anymore. My life is based on regrets. There are so many things I regret. Things I said to people... I can't believe it.. one time.. I told my mother that I hated her and wished she was dead... yes, I was younger, but that's no excuse. no fucking wonder she killed herself. She had 3 fucked up children. I love my sister's though. They're a pain in the ass sometimes but I can tell them anything, I just chose not to. I feel so fucked. I keep having these day dreams of being in dark places.. of being in the water, like a lake, at night, and the water looks black and.. Ugh. I also had some of being raped. gross. no one will know that one though cause no one is going to read this far into my livejournal. It just seems like alot of complaining and "emo" shit but that's not it.. that's just not it. I can't explain things. I guess I never could but now it's worse than ever. Will I ever find that 1 person who I can talk to? Maybe it's because I want it too much and don't try hard enough. But people can tell when you try. and I don't want to try. I just want it to happen, it should just happen. That's when you know you have a good friend. When you don't even have to try to be friends, it's just so natural. Whatever. I don't have that anymore. Like I said.. life isn't really bad.. no friends means no drama. heh. regret regret regret. I'd rather deal with drama. I regret so many things!!!!!! it. fucking. pisses. me. off. I'm going to hell. And should I? have I done anything that bad? Doesn't seem like it, but sometimes it does. Just close my eyes, tie me up and tell me what you want. Hit me, slap me, kick me, tell me what you want. Do what you want. bruise me, cut me, hate me, drown me. I feel like I should be so close to dieing, like I should be scared.. but I'm not, I can't get myself to care. AH! AUGH! ARGH! just fuck slap the caringness back into me. where has it gone? I give up, no one's reading anymore anyway. And as soon as I decide to delete all my livejournal entries again, this one will be gone too.
People are actors, good actors. some bad. but most are very convincing. don't comment and act like you care when you don't. don't comment if all you're reading is this little clip off the rest. don't act like you know anything about what's going on and tell me to suck it up or stop being the way I am, don't tell me to change. be yourself. but only if you know who you are.. and that doesn't apply for many people.. not many at all..... in fact. I don't want anyone to comment, and I'm going to set this entry with a thing to block comments.
People are actors, good actors. some bad. but most are very convincing. don't comment and act like you care when you don't. don't comment if all you're reading is this little clip off the rest. don't act like you know anything about what's going on and tell me to suck it up or stop being the way I am, don't tell me to change. be yourself. but only if you know who you are.. and that doesn't apply for many people.. not many at all..... in fact. I don't want anyone to comment, and I'm going to set this entry with a thing to block comments.