dun dun dun
Some say that youre supposed to be happy with the cards youre dealt in life. Others, retaliate.
I'm amongst the latter. I'm unhappy with my cards. I want to throw in and replay the hand.
I'm still not content with my past. I doubt that I ever will be. I still find it hard to deal with a lot of my childhood. I find that it's a fight, that I'll never truly win.
Not only with my childhood, but also my marriage that failed, and apparently left me a failure in my family's eyes. Even if I did nothing short of everything, and still was punished for it never being enough.
I'm scared of whats to come with this move. I'm afraid I'll never be what he needs me to be. I'm also fearful that I can't be the one to pick up the pieces when there are still so many of mine missing.
I've been the strong one. I've been the smart one. I've been the silent, reserved one. I've been the mean, bitter and firm one. The one that I have never been, is the vulnerable one. This new role is making me more apprehensive than I have ever been.
I've been countered before. I've been completely awed and moved before. I tried breaking through the exterior and into the interior of someone I was in love with, failing miserably. Now, I'm left with the knowledge of that experience and afraid that I won't be able to be the one he needs, when I feel I can't captivate and awe him.
Maybe it's just a bunch of everything coming to a head and I feel backed into a corner. Maybe it's the weight of the world syndrome setting in. Whatever it is, it needs to end.
If I have surgery this coming month, I'm afraid that will affect everything else thats coming into play. If I don't have it, it means finding a new DR out there and hoping I trust them enough to continue on with treatments.
I just wish I had alternative option, instead of feeling so relient on those here. I wish I trusted people as easily with my emotions as I do with my health and body.
I should really seek therapy. I feel like a myriad of mixed emotions, ready to have a break down.
I'm amongst the latter. I'm unhappy with my cards. I want to throw in and replay the hand.
I'm still not content with my past. I doubt that I ever will be. I still find it hard to deal with a lot of my childhood. I find that it's a fight, that I'll never truly win.
Not only with my childhood, but also my marriage that failed, and apparently left me a failure in my family's eyes. Even if I did nothing short of everything, and still was punished for it never being enough.
I'm scared of whats to come with this move. I'm afraid I'll never be what he needs me to be. I'm also fearful that I can't be the one to pick up the pieces when there are still so many of mine missing.
I've been the strong one. I've been the smart one. I've been the silent, reserved one. I've been the mean, bitter and firm one. The one that I have never been, is the vulnerable one. This new role is making me more apprehensive than I have ever been.
I've been countered before. I've been completely awed and moved before. I tried breaking through the exterior and into the interior of someone I was in love with, failing miserably. Now, I'm left with the knowledge of that experience and afraid that I won't be able to be the one he needs, when I feel I can't captivate and awe him.
Maybe it's just a bunch of everything coming to a head and I feel backed into a corner. Maybe it's the weight of the world syndrome setting in. Whatever it is, it needs to end.
If I have surgery this coming month, I'm afraid that will affect everything else thats coming into play. If I don't have it, it means finding a new DR out there and hoping I trust them enough to continue on with treatments.
I just wish I had alternative option, instead of feeling so relient on those here. I wish I trusted people as easily with my emotions as I do with my health and body.
I should really seek therapy. I feel like a myriad of mixed emotions, ready to have a break down.