you're betraying me now even as we are talking.
freedom from this unbearable, unbelievable capacity fo mine for fucking up adn talking too long. that's what i want. my primary concern is to never let anyone i care about feel mad, sad, uncomfortable, or hurt over something i said or did. i strive so hard for this, SO HARD. it means everything to me. but i slip up and ramble too long and, despite my inetlligence, the cues to shut my cursed mouth don't ring in turn for me until i'm dug in and hating myself. i started sobbing as soon as i sat down in my car and i was sort of grateful to myself that i was able to contain it for that long. my whole body was wracked and i shook and cried for 15 minutes of my 25 minutes home. i feel so small and ashamed and i can't forgive myself for it i saw what it looked like for someone to feel disappointed in and angry with me. i stuttered and made very tepid eye contact and wrung my hands and pulled out clumps of hair i couldn't hold it all in.