Pieces of Me
Pieces of Me
Toshiya of Dir en Grey.
Rated PG-13 as of the moment.
Written by: antikucafekko
Tears were falling from his eyes profusely. How could something like this happen to him? Dark eyes gazed through the small window upon the heavy door. She laid there, doctors scurrying around her, an oxygen mask on her face, blood in her hair. It all happened so suddenly, but why did it have to happen to him? Gritting his teeth, he kicked the wall and fell into one of the chairs lining the hall. Lithe fingers tugged harshly at curled locks of hair before he rest his forehead against his palms. Tears fell through closed eyelids, small sobs escaping between his teeth as he sat there in his grief; his girlfriend just in the other room.
"Sir, I think you should go home. We will have to keep her here and no one will be permitted to see her until further notice." The sympathy in her voice did nothing to ease his pain.
"I can't just leave her…" A sigh passed through his nose as he stood up, tear-swollen eyes finding their way back to the door.
"We'll call you." The young nurse tried to assure him with her tone.
His head tilted back, eyes gazing at the white ceiling before closing, a couple more tears falling from the corners of his eyes. The last thing he wanted was to be informed of her condition worsening. Taking a deep breath in through his nose, the lanky bassist let his head drop. Without bothering to reply to the nurse's statement, he silently made his way outside.
Resting his forehead against the hot metal of the top of the car, Toshiya kicked the tire and let a few more tears escape his deep brown eyes while his hand slowly worked the lock on the car door. The bassist's slender body slid into the driver's seat; sitting there for a moment with his door left open and one leg outside the car.
Deep inside, Toshiya knew it was his fault. A low growl vibrated his throat as his head connected roughly to the steering wheel. Somehow, Toshiya couldn't stop his tears from falling. This mess, the reason why she was injured, it was all caused by him. How could one man be so stupid? The bassist's slender fingers curled into a fist and pounded the steering wheel once in anguish. He sat there like that for a few moments more.
The tear stricken man sat up straight, finally pulling his leg into the car and ignited the engine before he shut the door. Toshiya's swollen eyes lingered on the tall building for a few moments while the air conditioner cooled his heated face. A strong pain tore his heart in two; he wanted to be with her. Toshiya wanted to endure the pain with her, to ease her suffering, to make sure she would be all right. He couldn't just go home without knowing if she wouldn't be okay.
The bassist's head hung, a couple of tears catching his curly ebony hair. Sitting straight once more with another sigh, Toshiya began to make his journey home. Along the way, he couldn't keep his eyes from darting to the seat she usually sat; the passenger seat. A couple of her items even remained there: her favorite writing pen and one of her many poem booklets. His jaw locked as he pulled his gaze back to the road.
Toshiya knew that life from this moment was not going to get any easier. He wouldn't be able to sleep; he wouldn't be able to concentrate. He'd be too worried to keep his focus. Toshiya shook his head, eyes burning from the constant tear shed. Would it have been better if he hadn't said anything to her that morning?
Toshiya sat there on the leather seat of his car, the hum of the engine his only company. His forehead against the steering wheel, eyes closed, fists clenching the wheel. Tears had caught in his hair, lips forming a heartbreaking frown. Toshiya was a man known for his smile-but now he had nothing to smile about. A whimper escaped his lips as the bassist leaned back in his seat, head resting against the headrest as his hands covered his face with a sniffle.
Sniffing back through his tears, Toshiya let his fingers slide down his face until his hands fell in his lap. Deep umber orbs opened to stare at the ceiling before he shook his head, gaze falling back on her seat. The bassist swallowed before he gentle took the small book in his hands, fingertips lighting tracing the lining of the cover. A tiny smile crept to his lips through his tears as he remembered the day he had given the book to her.
"Aw, Toshi! But you know I can't write!"
Toshiya chuckled, "Not even if it's for me?"
A tiny smile lingered on her lips as she looked down to the book, tracing the cover with her fingertips.
The bassist stared at it a moment longer, feeling a river of emotion in the pit of his stomach about ready to burst. Toshiya turned the cover, the first two sheets blank until he finally found a page she had written on. His index finger traced her handwriting as he frowned once more. Toshiya began to read what she had written.
Toshiya,
You gave me this book and asked me to fill the pages. Even while knowing I couldn't write, you insisted. So, here I have decided to write all the things I couldn't bring myself to say out loud to anyone. I don't think you will read this, I probably won't let you. My thought is that if you ever do read it, it will most likely be because you done so while I was asleep or you found it while I was at work. Even still, know that while I may act mad, I could never stay angry when you smile that goofball smile of yours.
Toshiya couldn't stop the slight chuckle that built in his chest when he read the last line. Reading her words like this, it was like she was really talking to him. It pained Toshiya's heart that he was not reading this because he found her book while she was sleeping or at work, but he because she was in the hospital.
From the time I've met you, you seemed like such a lady's man. You were always bouncing around and smiling. You were constantly flirting and teasing with everyone. At first, I thought you were like any other silly man I've encountered before; that after you got what you wanted from me, you'd leave. But, you know what? That moment you touched my hair and looked me in the eyes and said you cared for me, I could see in your eyes that you were telling the truth. That you were talking from your heart.
You made me feel truly special, Toshiya. I gave you a chance and I haven't regretted it despite the time we sometimes got irritated at each other. It makes me smile thinking that every time you thought you made me angry, that night you would cuddle up to me. I will never be able to describe the feeling I get when you and I hug. All I can say is… that must be what it feels like to be whole.
The bassist's frown deepened as he continued reading her words.
You know, Toshiya, I never expected my life to change so much when I met you. No man ever cared for me the way you do. Even though I know I never gave you the answers you wanted, you stood by me. Even though I would sometimes do something that infuriated you, you forgave me. Even though-
Toshiya shut the book, eyes clenched shut. Toshiya grasped the book in both hands, bringing it to his face. The bassist smacked the small book against his forehead as a tear rolled out of his eye again.
"You idiot…" He mumbled, "Why did you run from me? Why didn't you let me help you? Why did you have to go and get yourself hurt instead of me coming to me?!"
Toshiya shouted to himself, or more so to the book. Opening his eyes, Toshiya looked at the cover; some of his tears were sliding down the slick black cover. Sighing softly, he shook his head, "I can't be angry at you…"
Toshiya killed the engine of his car and stepped out. Treading his way up to his apartment, Toshiya clutched the small book in one hand at his side. He wanted to keep reading her words, but he felt pain from them. It almost felt like they were going to be all he had left of her. Toshiya didn't want things to be that way; to never see her again, with only this book to remember her by.