how long must you wait for it

[antigreen]

i have always liked the idea of teaching, but never thought that i was any good at it. i still don't really think i am, 'cause i'm not very empathetic or compassionate when i don't feel like being that way. today, though, i got a chance to see what it would be like...and it wasn't so bad. it's kind of great to see results so quickly. just having all of these faces beaming at you all expectantly, and they really did want to hear what i had to say. they listened to everything and followed my directions, and each time i helped them with something they got better. that is some kind of job.

otherwise i've had a long day, full of deciding whether i want to work hard on something or not try at all. i think i did that a lot today.

although there are still parts of my personality that i really don't like, even as i can see them unfolding in front of other people and i just do it anyway..i am also starting to see things that i can really appreciate myself. for the most part, i can be extremely trustworthy..but sometimes i cannot believe how honest i am. i think i'm a firm believer in putting things out in the open that need to be said. i don't really realize it until i see people's reactions though, because people give me this look like, "did you really just admit that?" or something along those lines. in fact, it feels pretty good. i'm not as afraid of everything as i thought i was.

it's fucking cold and i'm probably not going to sleep at all but here goes nothing