(no subject)
Life changes every day, and we either roll with it, and grow; or we stagnate and never learn from the past.
I would rather learn.
What I've learned: 3 years can be erased in a matter of days. I can be erased in a matter of moments. People who claim to love you don't love you if they can so easily cut you out of their life. Sometime it IS okay to get drunk and have crazy sex with your wife. Sometimes it IS okay to not be able to sleep and go downstairs in the middle of the night after crazy drunken sex. Sometimes panic throughout a system is an okay thing. Sometime panic means you're facing things and simply hoping for the right thing to be done, even if you don't believe it will be.
I've learned that when I fall apart, even for a moment, that my wife will pick up the slack. And that when she falls apart, I am no longer so exhausted I can't. Instead, I will hold her hand and teasingly ask if she wants to drink. She will say yes, and I will go with her to get Coke so we can have Rum and Cokes all night long. I've learned that the two of us can down a half-bottle of Capt. Morgan and still be almost coherent. I've learned that without the pressure of having to, I want to dance and tempt and tease my wife until she begs for me. I've learned that sometimes growing apart is okay in relationships, as long as you can bridge the distance.
I've learned that sometimes you can't bridge the distance, and when that's true, you need to move on.
I've learned that it is not my style to completely shut someone out of my life anymore, and that when it's done to me, it hurts more than I'm willing to deal with. I've learned I probably deserve it for the way I've treated exes in the past.
I've learned that I can love someone so deeply that it breaks me in two when they go away, but I can still survive when they walk away from me.
I've learned that it doesn't matter how many times I say it doesn't hurt, it still will.
I've learned I miss my FRIEND, even when the relationship is over.
I've learned that being shut out hurts more than anything. And that drinking makes the hurt go away for such a short time that it's not really worth it. And that I could easily have a drinking problem if I allowed myself to, because those few moments were worth it at the time, and I want the moments of not giving a shit back, thanks.
I've learned that my fears about the way things would end are not nearly as bad as the reality.
I've learned that the reality of how things ended hurts worse than what I imagined, but not as bad as it could have.
I've learned I'm still breathing. It surprises me every time I realize it, but it's true.
I've learned when someone doesn't care to fight for you, them telling you goodbye is the kindest thing they can do.
I've learned that trusting someone not to break you is foolish, but it's not a bad wish, in the end. Especially when they do it in a way they think will hurt less. At least, you hope they thought it would hurt less.
I've learned. I've grown in the last three years. I want my friend back, and I don't want everything to be horrible and sucky and awkward... but I'm not sure that's something that's even remotely possible right now. And that makes me sadder than this whole thing ending. Which is a damn shame.
I'm going to try to sleep again. Try being the operative word.
I would rather learn.
What I've learned: 3 years can be erased in a matter of days. I can be erased in a matter of moments. People who claim to love you don't love you if they can so easily cut you out of their life. Sometime it IS okay to get drunk and have crazy sex with your wife. Sometimes it IS okay to not be able to sleep and go downstairs in the middle of the night after crazy drunken sex. Sometimes panic throughout a system is an okay thing. Sometime panic means you're facing things and simply hoping for the right thing to be done, even if you don't believe it will be.
I've learned that when I fall apart, even for a moment, that my wife will pick up the slack. And that when she falls apart, I am no longer so exhausted I can't. Instead, I will hold her hand and teasingly ask if she wants to drink. She will say yes, and I will go with her to get Coke so we can have Rum and Cokes all night long. I've learned that the two of us can down a half-bottle of Capt. Morgan and still be almost coherent. I've learned that without the pressure of having to, I want to dance and tempt and tease my wife until she begs for me. I've learned that sometimes growing apart is okay in relationships, as long as you can bridge the distance.
I've learned that sometimes you can't bridge the distance, and when that's true, you need to move on.
I've learned that it is not my style to completely shut someone out of my life anymore, and that when it's done to me, it hurts more than I'm willing to deal with. I've learned I probably deserve it for the way I've treated exes in the past.
I've learned that I can love someone so deeply that it breaks me in two when they go away, but I can still survive when they walk away from me.
I've learned that it doesn't matter how many times I say it doesn't hurt, it still will.
I've learned I miss my FRIEND, even when the relationship is over.
I've learned that being shut out hurts more than anything. And that drinking makes the hurt go away for such a short time that it's not really worth it. And that I could easily have a drinking problem if I allowed myself to, because those few moments were worth it at the time, and I want the moments of not giving a shit back, thanks.
I've learned that my fears about the way things would end are not nearly as bad as the reality.
I've learned that the reality of how things ended hurts worse than what I imagined, but not as bad as it could have.
I've learned I'm still breathing. It surprises me every time I realize it, but it's true.
I've learned when someone doesn't care to fight for you, them telling you goodbye is the kindest thing they can do.
I've learned that trusting someone not to break you is foolish, but it's not a bad wish, in the end. Especially when they do it in a way they think will hurt less. At least, you hope they thought it would hurt less.
I've learned. I've grown in the last three years. I want my friend back, and I don't want everything to be horrible and sucky and awkward... but I'm not sure that's something that's even remotely possible right now. And that makes me sadder than this whole thing ending. Which is a damn shame.
I'm going to try to sleep again. Try being the operative word.