(no subject)
I have no ambition. Everything I ever desired I have: independence from my parents more or less, a place of my own to crash, a car, and a tv, and a cell phone. As far as my material desires go, I'm set. I don't want a bigger house, I don't want a faster car, I don't want a bigger tv. I have enough to eat. If I want to travel, I can travel. I only have me to worry about, and it's easy to meet my own needs.
I have my friends to talk to and a couple of guys willing to sleep with me shoud I desires. I have a love (for as long as it's going to last).
What my feeling of deep unsatisfaction is this: I don't want to do anything but what I'm doing, but I can't keep this life forever. it's been happening for awhile now: everyone ele's life is moving beyond me. My friends are all getting married, starting families, wrapping up their college and starting careers. They're moving away, changing into different people with different priorities. And I'm stalled; and more than that, I hear the disapproval from others for being stalled. I hear it in my parent's (especially my dad's) voices whenever I admit the slightest bit of hesitation of marching forward, and his disapproval of my lack of a goal. I hear the first notes in my friend's voices as they start in on with the rest of thier lives. I hear the pressure, like a constant counterpoint in my head, of society to go out and DO something, be "someone" be "successful". Everyone I know expects me to do great things.
But what? To have ambition, one must want something. What do I want? Wealth; what for? I can buy anything I need or want on my salary, even if my paren't stopped paying my car insurance. Family; why? The world is plenty populated already, and why would I bring anohter being into this petty exsistence? I can't think of a reason to keep going...what's the point? Why do people cling to exsistence so hard? Love? What is love? Of all the guys I've said I've loved, of all the guy's who said they love me... what does it reallyu mean? All I know of "love" is the same: it's heady at first, then it fades, then you break up, and then you're sad for a little while, and then you find some other guy to feel heady with again. I've never felt this earth-shattering, soul-searching moment that I should feel in love.
I love Nanu...or at least I love being with him. I love talking to him, hanging out with him, snuggling with him, and yes, sleeping with him. But do I love him? How the hell should I know?
I'm jealous of people who have anchors in their lives: you know, friends, family, heritage, true love, ambition, skill, everything. What do I have?
I've never even had to deal with a major tragedy. I've never tried to do something that I had a chance of failing at: I've never had to. I have no great dragon to slay, no giant to oppose. I'm in a world where I'm defeating little things, things that move around and shift and sway. The problems of the world are like attacking jell-o.
I feel like just quitting. Going "I quit", good-bye, see ya later, I'll go sate my curiosity. Have that age-old question answered.
But what about the people I leave behind?
I have my friends to talk to and a couple of guys willing to sleep with me shoud I desires. I have a love (for as long as it's going to last).
What my feeling of deep unsatisfaction is this: I don't want to do anything but what I'm doing, but I can't keep this life forever. it's been happening for awhile now: everyone ele's life is moving beyond me. My friends are all getting married, starting families, wrapping up their college and starting careers. They're moving away, changing into different people with different priorities. And I'm stalled; and more than that, I hear the disapproval from others for being stalled. I hear it in my parent's (especially my dad's) voices whenever I admit the slightest bit of hesitation of marching forward, and his disapproval of my lack of a goal. I hear the first notes in my friend's voices as they start in on with the rest of thier lives. I hear the pressure, like a constant counterpoint in my head, of society to go out and DO something, be "someone" be "successful". Everyone I know expects me to do great things.
But what? To have ambition, one must want something. What do I want? Wealth; what for? I can buy anything I need or want on my salary, even if my paren't stopped paying my car insurance. Family; why? The world is plenty populated already, and why would I bring anohter being into this petty exsistence? I can't think of a reason to keep going...what's the point? Why do people cling to exsistence so hard? Love? What is love? Of all the guys I've said I've loved, of all the guy's who said they love me... what does it reallyu mean? All I know of "love" is the same: it's heady at first, then it fades, then you break up, and then you're sad for a little while, and then you find some other guy to feel heady with again. I've never felt this earth-shattering, soul-searching moment that I should feel in love.
I love Nanu...or at least I love being with him. I love talking to him, hanging out with him, snuggling with him, and yes, sleeping with him. But do I love him? How the hell should I know?
I'm jealous of people who have anchors in their lives: you know, friends, family, heritage, true love, ambition, skill, everything. What do I have?
I've never even had to deal with a major tragedy. I've never tried to do something that I had a chance of failing at: I've never had to. I have no great dragon to slay, no giant to oppose. I'm in a world where I'm defeating little things, things that move around and shift and sway. The problems of the world are like attacking jell-o.
I feel like just quitting. Going "I quit", good-bye, see ya later, I'll go sate my curiosity. Have that age-old question answered.
But what about the people I leave behind?