Regrets
Seeing as though I am losing my place of residence upon the 15th of the month, I think it would be prudent to offer some reflection. As such, a list of major regrets my life has held.
I really wish I could have pursued more higher education. The entire experience, however, confounded me--from the cryptic methodologies of electing to take courses that may or may not have any relevance to an eventual major, to the social aspects which I was thrust into the very worst possible scenarios. If I had known then what I know now, I may have been able to understand a great deal more than "it is good to go to college" and possibly would have understood better how the entire process worked. As it was, I "chose" the university at what was more or less random happenstance, fumbled around with course selections, and had very little idea what I was actually doing other than "going to school." I sorely regret never fully comprehending how everything functioned as such, and missed one of the things in life that may have altered my eventual outcome.
Friendship. It seems so mundane a concept, yet, I do not think I've ever come to a junction I could possibly affirmatively deem "having a friend." Sure, I consider some people as "friends," however, it varies wildly from what the popular notion of the concept is. To the best of my knowledge, I have never really been able to reciprocate on any meaningful level beyond my core interests, and as such, have never really established any kind of rapport beyond said concepts. As a result, it seems horribly lacking compared to what I observed in other people. I really regret never really establishing a contact with another person that could be more fully described as a "friendship," rather than my own mind's eye view of the notion.
Last, but certainly not least, I wish I could have furthered any sort of meaningful relationship. Seeing as though I can't actively maintain a friendship, having an intimate relationship is more or less immediately out of the question, as it seems to be a very integral portion of the bond. I did make a few attempts, which were more like people made attempts at me and I tried to reciprocate, but nothing ever managed to foster anything meaningfully long-term. There is just so much I don't understand, and only so much--for the lack of better words--faking that can be done to attempt to fit into a situation that is wholly out of one's own conceptualization. I really do wish I would have been able to manage myself better, so as to actually had something meaningful on this front [ed. note: by "meaningful," I mean suitably long-term; e.g., marriage]. It wasn't for lack of trying on the behalf of others, however--I was once, more or less, asked to pursue things very much further (conceivably leading up to marriage), but at the time of the question, I had very literal interpretations of the questions and comments. The subtexts and subtleties completely threw me off, and I was unable to see the forest for the trees, so to speak. Despite actively wonting such, I was unable to muster anything acceptable in responses, and shortly thereafter, everything fell apart. While I am very content by myself, I very strongly regret never being able to know the eventual end-game, so to speak, that a relationship actually holds.
I think three is a good number. While one overlaps with another more obviously than the third, it's still a very relevant source of discourse on the matter. One is possible, however, and should things turn around by some miracle stroke, may eventually be pursued (much later than usual). Of the three, two are of the nature I strongly doubt I will ever be able to understand much less comprehend in any meaningful way.
On some levels, mundane interpretations of the above would label my discourse as relating to sloth--denigrated to those of "laziness" or generally being unwilling to care, try, or pursue. From my eyes, however, things are far more drastically different than they could wildly dream.
In the eye of the beholder, as they say.
I really wish I could have pursued more higher education. The entire experience, however, confounded me--from the cryptic methodologies of electing to take courses that may or may not have any relevance to an eventual major, to the social aspects which I was thrust into the very worst possible scenarios. If I had known then what I know now, I may have been able to understand a great deal more than "it is good to go to college" and possibly would have understood better how the entire process worked. As it was, I "chose" the university at what was more or less random happenstance, fumbled around with course selections, and had very little idea what I was actually doing other than "going to school." I sorely regret never fully comprehending how everything functioned as such, and missed one of the things in life that may have altered my eventual outcome.
Friendship. It seems so mundane a concept, yet, I do not think I've ever come to a junction I could possibly affirmatively deem "having a friend." Sure, I consider some people as "friends," however, it varies wildly from what the popular notion of the concept is. To the best of my knowledge, I have never really been able to reciprocate on any meaningful level beyond my core interests, and as such, have never really established any kind of rapport beyond said concepts. As a result, it seems horribly lacking compared to what I observed in other people. I really regret never really establishing a contact with another person that could be more fully described as a "friendship," rather than my own mind's eye view of the notion.
Last, but certainly not least, I wish I could have furthered any sort of meaningful relationship. Seeing as though I can't actively maintain a friendship, having an intimate relationship is more or less immediately out of the question, as it seems to be a very integral portion of the bond. I did make a few attempts, which were more like people made attempts at me and I tried to reciprocate, but nothing ever managed to foster anything meaningfully long-term. There is just so much I don't understand, and only so much--for the lack of better words--faking that can be done to attempt to fit into a situation that is wholly out of one's own conceptualization. I really do wish I would have been able to manage myself better, so as to actually had something meaningful on this front [ed. note: by "meaningful," I mean suitably long-term; e.g., marriage]. It wasn't for lack of trying on the behalf of others, however--I was once, more or less, asked to pursue things very much further (conceivably leading up to marriage), but at the time of the question, I had very literal interpretations of the questions and comments. The subtexts and subtleties completely threw me off, and I was unable to see the forest for the trees, so to speak. Despite actively wonting such, I was unable to muster anything acceptable in responses, and shortly thereafter, everything fell apart. While I am very content by myself, I very strongly regret never being able to know the eventual end-game, so to speak, that a relationship actually holds.
I think three is a good number. While one overlaps with another more obviously than the third, it's still a very relevant source of discourse on the matter. One is possible, however, and should things turn around by some miracle stroke, may eventually be pursued (much later than usual). Of the three, two are of the nature I strongly doubt I will ever be able to understand much less comprehend in any meaningful way.
On some levels, mundane interpretations of the above would label my discourse as relating to sloth--denigrated to those of "laziness" or generally being unwilling to care, try, or pursue. From my eyes, however, things are far more drastically different than they could wildly dream.
In the eye of the beholder, as they say.