(no subject)
When I was young, I thought it was silly to be scared of death. I wasn't worried about it, as I believed "I" would still carry on in some way. It's hard to imagine anything else. I'm still curious about it; I imagine it will be an interesting experience, whatever (if anything) happens next. Growing up, I didn't understand what people seemed so worried about.
Now, as I'm getting older, I see that perspective more clearly, but in my own way. It probably isn't about dying per se, but about losing everything that we have here. A fear of having to let everything go. We do hold onto stuff very tightly; lifestyle, relationships, self-image, world view. But apart from that, there is the fear of being alone. Nobody comes with us when we die, we leave everyone behind. If there is something to experience at the other end, it will be without any connection to the people we loved and have known.
I'm not afraid of dying, of death as such. But, when I think about it seriously, I'm surprisingly reluctant to leave this place. Surprisingly, because all my life I've been somewhat cynical of what it means to be alive, even from very young. Always pulling it apart, trying to see how it works, what it all means, blah blah. In that way, it's always seemed ridiculous how most people turn to the "metaphysical" for meaning. Over 90% of human beings believe in some unprovable, unworldly thing, be it gods, ghosts or UFOs - they believe most fervently in the very things of which, after millennia, remain unknowable.
After so much time, isn't it obvious there's nothing more to be discovered in those "mysteries"? Only in science, and the arts, do we discover and examine new ideas, new realities. But of course, when we die, that is exactly what we are leaving behind - everything we have discovered, learned and experienced. So, in an emotional sense, it makes sense to hold most dear something which *cannot be real*, and so cannot be left behind. That's the only reason religion makes sense - it's the only thing people believe will come with them on that journey. Everything else is left behind. Upon death, apart from your faith, you are utterly alone.
Religion is a balm for lonliness; throughout life, when those we love die, and finally when we do. Unfortunately, for me, no faith ever held satisfactory explanations. If we can't even prove millions of UFO/ghost/spirit/loch ness experiences are real, what hope is there for God? When it comes to faith, though, people don't care about proof. Lack of proof almost defines what faith means. It's the mystery that matters - faith in something that cannot be known. I'm sure it's a basic human emotional need, like joy or connection or love. Mystery. Ultimate trust. Perhaps something like what we felt about the world as toddlers.. the world was mysterious, it loved us, we could trust it. When it punished us, there was a good reason, if we didn't know it. That feeling there's "something more", something mysterious, never goes away as we grow up.
But how much of that is simply the basic human qualities of curiosity and imagination? Does simply "being curious", coupled with imagination and emotional rewards, create that sense of "mystery" we seem to love so much?
We seem to accept that "curiosity" is a kind of in-built trait in us, as animals. We also know that other animals dream, so they can imagine things. How "creative" an animal is, or person for that matter, remains something unmeasurable - it's a wolly concept, a bit like IQ. There are many different kinds of creativity, so how does one quantify it? But lots of other traits like curiosity, imagination, logic, lateral thinking, and communication can be directly identified in us and other animals. Perhaps "creativity" is just a word to describe the result of all that stuff interacting together.
So an interesting question is, why everyone is so enamoured with "mystery". I tend to think it's an emotion, just like that feeling of "discovery" when you open a present, realise something for the first time, or find that long-lost sock. It's a reward channel in the brain, like love, sex, exercise, food. It's funny, in things I've read, the terms "reward pathway" and "emotion" are often spoken of separately, as if the latter is something more sublime or refined.. is it?
Anyway, if "discovery" is a reward, doesn't that actually imply the existence of "mystery"? That's interesting, because we do tend to create environments for ourselves in which to experience our favourite emotions. Everything we have created - sport, comedy, science, romance.. all of them are artificial frameworks with one simple goal in mind, regardless of their complexity - to live out our emotional lives. It isn't hard to see the frameworks we've created to experience mystery as well. Religious frameworks, among other things. It's just another emotion, isn't it?
An interesting twist is that we also like to feel challenged; to succeed after an effort is required. Somehow we feel that easy goals are unfulfilling. To me, that implies another reward channel. We like to measure our capabilities, which lets us know where we stand in relation to others, and feel confident about meeting future challenges. Looking at it like that, it seems a pretty basic need. Animals play-fight to socialise and in preparation for hunting. Skills are displayed and can be measured, connunicating to others, and ourselves, what we are capable of and how we can participate in the social scene.
All this is just to say that we need to feel challenged - which is where mystery comes back into it. Keeping in mind all these emotional pathways in our heads, it's easier to guess at why we do, as a species, what we do. We like a challenge, to discover things. Perhaps "curiosity" is not an emotion itself, but a word describing the process of going after the next "discovery hit". Mystery is not just a word to describe something "not known". The feeling of awe, the palpable appreciation of all that we don't know, is definitely an emotion, and a powerful one. When coupled with the reward of being challenged, and the reward of discovery, we have a powerful drive to *do*. As human beings, we create, learn, make and do.. stuff. And probably all becuase of these driving emotions, though of course we like to think there's also some mysterious reason behind it as well... which we (as I'm dutifully doing right now) also feel a need to investigate.
The question is, is this all we are? Just machines driven by emotional pathways? For some reason I've felt compelled to ask these questions all my life, though I can't say any discovery-hit has been forthcoming as yet. Another interesting question: If, in this case, the "need to know" doesn't lead to an emotional reward, is it in fact an irrational and unhealthy pursuit? Compulsive curiosity without discovery could be seen that way. Religion is the balm, of course. A safe framework in which to wonder at unknownable questions and remain sane.
No, I'm actually looking forward to dying in a way, when whatever I may be is freed from the mouse-maze of the brain. It will answer a lot of questions, even if the neural pathway for a discovery-hit isn't there. But I suppose the questions won't be, either. I'll no longer be who I am. No longer curious, even? Perhaps, ironically, that makes the whole idea of Heaven plausible and livable. Eternal bliss would be tolerable if you're no longer interested in discovering anything else. In fact, maybe that's what eternal bliss *is*. All our hormonal, emotional pathways gone. What would be the meaning of "purpose" then? Or the meaning of "meaning"? All this is the province of the brain.
Perhaps we're the unhappiest species on the planet. Hm, that could actually be measured.
To die is to become other than what I am now.
Hence I can't imagine what what would be.
Even if I did come back, nobody, including myself
Would even know that it was me.
A