I think I need some perspective. Maybe that's not the right word. I have perspective, maybe I need opinions from people that care for me
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You're not crazy, these a valid concerns. I know Ryan cares a lot about you but he really needs to know that you SHOW PEOPLE YOU LOVE THEM BY WHAT YOU ARE WILLING TO DO.
He needs to get up and get going on this stuff because if you miss important dates you will get screwed big time. I'm a walking talking example of how being lazy and unmotivated will bite you in the ass big time and my college transcript is suffering because of it and so are/were my relationships with everyone.
Make a to-do list & print it out and stick it on every door, table, and screen in your house. You need to push him, hard. Some people just don't do anything and don't realize how they're making someone feel until they get a boot in their ass. I would offer to talk to him if you don't want to but I think hearing it from you will be less of a blow to his manhood.
He needs to be responsible, period. The debt needs to be paid off quickly and if it can be he can rescue his credit rather than letting it get even worse. If anything pay it off for him but you need to draft up an agreement for him to pay you back for the money he owes you and it needs to be signed. I hate to say it needs to be done but if he can't hand the cash to you then you can't always depend on verbal agreements. It's not a matter of trust but of security for both of you.
A simple call to the base to request information or setup an advisory meeting should take like 5 minutes at the most. Put this on his to-do list because if he doesn't know what he's doing, what he gets, and what the restrictions are then he's going to miss out.
Try saying "you need to do this, for me, and for us because your finances, education, happiness, and goals are important to me and I want you to succeed. I can't do it for you but I will be there to help you wherever you need it." Don't say please. This isn't a "favor" it is something that needs to be done no matter how scary or new or mysterious it is for him.
While this is all valid advice, I've tried all those things. And when I asked if I was crazy, I meant crazy for staying with him.
I've talked to him, told him he needs to do these things, that I can't stick around forever, that I have to protect myself, that I can't help but think he doesn't love me as much as he says he does because of the things he's doing (or not doing, as the case may be). We always have really sincere conversations, where I feel better about the situation and have confidence that things will get better. We just had one now, in fact. I've told him that calling the base, the collection agency, and the highschool would take five minutes. They're simple, attainable goals. Something holds him back, and damnit, I love him so much I can't leave him for his immobility. Not yet, at least. Am I crazy for that? Am I self destructing. This is what I'm afraid of - am I literally holding the knife to my throat with my friends and family watching in horror? I don't think so, but it might come to that.
I do like your advice for making a to-do list and putting it up somewhere to remind him. It doesn't help that I'm very much like him, and find it much easier to push things that need to be done aside. While I think I've grown out of that for myself, I apparently haven't for other people. I'm struggling between he needs to do it on his own, and he needs help doing it. Which is right, which is smart? If I help him, if I pay off his debt, or make the call for him, will he ever learn? Two years of this is fine, can I handle 20 years? I know I can't, but I want him to be a person that I can marry. I don't care if he makes a lot of money, but I can't handle someone that doesn't take care of their issues (for the long term, anyway).
Am I crazy for staying with him, for loving him even though he's made a lot of really stupid, irresponsible mistakes? I want to believe he can change, and I know he can if he really, really tries, but I'm slowly losing faith with each new mistake he makes. It makes me panic. What makes it worse is that it's so easy to fix, and yet at times it feels incredibly unattainable.
He needs to get up and get going on this stuff because if you miss important dates you will get screwed big time. I'm a walking talking example of how being lazy and unmotivated will bite you in the ass big time and my college transcript is suffering because of it and so are/were my relationships with everyone.
Make a to-do list & print it out and stick it on every door, table, and screen in your house. You need to push him, hard. Some people just don't do anything and don't realize how they're making someone feel until they get a boot in their ass. I would offer to talk to him if you don't want to but I think hearing it from you will be less of a blow to his manhood.
He needs to be responsible, period. The debt needs to be paid off quickly and if it can be he can rescue his credit rather than letting it get even worse. If anything pay it off for him but you need to draft up an agreement for him to pay you back for the money he owes you and it needs to be signed. I hate to say it needs to be done but if he can't hand the cash to you then you can't always depend on verbal agreements. It's not a matter of trust but of security for both of you.
A simple call to the base to request information or setup an advisory meeting should take like 5 minutes at the most. Put this on his to-do list because if he doesn't know what he's doing, what he gets, and what the restrictions are then he's going to miss out.
Try saying "you need to do this, for me, and for us because your finances, education, happiness, and goals are important to me and I want you to succeed. I can't do it for you but I will be there to help you wherever you need it." Don't say please. This isn't a "favor" it is something that needs to be done no matter how scary or new or mysterious it is for him.
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I've talked to him, told him he needs to do these things, that I can't stick around forever, that I have to protect myself, that I can't help but think he doesn't love me as much as he says he does because of the things he's doing (or not doing, as the case may be). We always have really sincere conversations, where I feel better about the situation and have confidence that things will get better. We just had one now, in fact. I've told him that calling the base, the collection agency, and the highschool would take five minutes. They're simple, attainable goals. Something holds him back, and damnit, I love him so much I can't leave him for his immobility. Not yet, at least. Am I crazy for that? Am I self destructing. This is what I'm afraid of - am I literally holding the knife to my throat with my friends and family watching in horror? I don't think so, but it might come to that.
I do like your advice for making a to-do list and putting it up somewhere to remind him. It doesn't help that I'm very much like him, and find it much easier to push things that need to be done aside. While I think I've grown out of that for myself, I apparently haven't for other people. I'm struggling between he needs to do it on his own, and he needs help doing it. Which is right, which is smart? If I help him, if I pay off his debt, or make the call for him, will he ever learn? Two years of this is fine, can I handle 20 years? I know I can't, but I want him to be a person that I can marry. I don't care if he makes a lot of money, but I can't handle someone that doesn't take care of their issues (for the long term, anyway).
Am I crazy for staying with him, for loving him even though he's made a lot of really stupid, irresponsible mistakes? I want to believe he can change, and I know he can if he really, really tries, but I'm slowly losing faith with each new mistake he makes. It makes me panic. What makes it worse is that it's so easy to fix, and yet at times it feels incredibly unattainable.
Sorry if this is a lot of babble and nonsense.
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