(no subject)
I couldnt think of a witty subject haha. It fits my mood, blank. Its weird because I honestly dont feel like I have any 'feelings' right now but I'm sad, upset, angry, happy, axious, jealous (crazy I know), excited. Ijust don't know what to do with them. What I do know, however, is I've wasted about 20 dollars on journal paper in last week. And it seems like my handwriting gets sloppier and sloppier as the pages go on and on and on...and on and on some more. I know a lot of this 'feeling' crap has too do with the death of my grandpa and the crazy ass stress that has been going on in the tori/mandy apt. for quite some time now. As I was writing last night I realized just how emotional I really am I just don't express it like 'normal' girls do. I dont cry and whine (ok yeah I whine, all of you shut up) like a baby I let it out in my journal. And my poor little journal is falling apart. I havent gotten around to using my new one because im so attached but the strings dont stay tied because they are so word and the binding is all crackly. Enough about that haha.
Lets see, I'm sad because obviously my papaw died. And I'm heartbroken. I seriously feel like a little kid, really just beside myself. I don't have the slightest idea how to act. Everyone in my family is crushed but they all cry and wimper around and everyone expects me to do things like find a caterer and find a place to house 150 people for a few hours and they expect me to be the strong one. Like always. I'm really not though, I'll tell you I'm fine until I'm blue in the face, or at least until I say that so much I have no choice but to believe it myself. I wish for a minute I would just let someone in, long enough to at least tell me everything will be okay. Minus you but your far far away. And thank you for everthing. I just don't know about it.
I'm upset/angry because Mandy isnt going Saturday. (papaws funeral) I know its selfish, I really do but I never in a million years thought she wouldnt at least want to go. I'm not into detail about why she isnt going but its not a reason that would keep me from something that was important to her. Shes my best friend, I thought that is what friends were supposed to do. Who know I'm probably just an idiot. And school is pissing me off but its only because I'm stressed about other things.
I'm happy because now papaw is in a better place, honestly. And that I will see family and get to hang out with my gramma and help her through this. I'm worried about her, shes so far away. And I'm happy because someone is buying my team america seriously my new favorite movie. I thought it was going to be so dumb and I would just be laughing to be nice but ohmygosh its so funny. I've watched it almost 5 times and out of the five I've rented it 4. haha. I love it.
I'm just anxious about the funeral.
And I'm jealous. For no good reason haha. And I wasnt until about 2.2 seconds ago. I'm not saying why because it's stupid but still. It ties into why I'm angry well angry at myself. I have this wonderful habit of pushing people away because I'm scared. Seriously everthing in my power, one person I was just mean too and another I annoyed to death. haha. I'm not THAT annoying, I was ready to stab out my own eyeballs. So sorry to both of you.
Wow, I've never really been so public about some 'feelin's'. I don't feel better haha. Isnt that happens after you write things, you feel better. I must be really odd, okay yeah I know I am but thats okay.
Okay on to another topic. A friend and I were talking about what we want in a boyfriend. Not that either of us really want a 'boyfriend' but something might be nice. So we were pointing out things about each other that these boy 'friends' are going to have to like about us.
Mine goes as follows....
This person has to love the fact that my attention span is about the size of a 4 year olds,
that I'm loud and opinionated
I'm honest, most always
I LOVE animals, probably more that this person
I'm not a fan of sleeping
I love to read, all the time
I'm not overly emotional and even if I'm not okay, I won't admit it to this person or you for that matter
I'm married already, to my job
I'm bossy
I love fashion and will go to New York duing Fashion Week
I like gossip and trashy magazines.
Mac and cheese, mashed potatoes and hot dogs are my favorite foods
My best friends are gay.
They come first. (friends in general that is.)
... the list goes on forever. those are a few of my favorite. Okay, I just dont want to type them anymore.
And this entry is filled with so many spelling errors I should be ashamed. So just overlook them folks. And overlook that fact that I can't type in sensible english :).
Goodnight.
Lets see, I'm sad because obviously my papaw died. And I'm heartbroken. I seriously feel like a little kid, really just beside myself. I don't have the slightest idea how to act. Everyone in my family is crushed but they all cry and wimper around and everyone expects me to do things like find a caterer and find a place to house 150 people for a few hours and they expect me to be the strong one. Like always. I'm really not though, I'll tell you I'm fine until I'm blue in the face, or at least until I say that so much I have no choice but to believe it myself. I wish for a minute I would just let someone in, long enough to at least tell me everything will be okay. Minus you but your far far away. And thank you for everthing. I just don't know about it.
I'm upset/angry because Mandy isnt going Saturday. (papaws funeral) I know its selfish, I really do but I never in a million years thought she wouldnt at least want to go. I'm not into detail about why she isnt going but its not a reason that would keep me from something that was important to her. Shes my best friend, I thought that is what friends were supposed to do. Who know I'm probably just an idiot. And school is pissing me off but its only because I'm stressed about other things.
I'm happy because now papaw is in a better place, honestly. And that I will see family and get to hang out with my gramma and help her through this. I'm worried about her, shes so far away. And I'm happy because someone is buying my team america seriously my new favorite movie. I thought it was going to be so dumb and I would just be laughing to be nice but ohmygosh its so funny. I've watched it almost 5 times and out of the five I've rented it 4. haha. I love it.
I'm just anxious about the funeral.
And I'm jealous. For no good reason haha. And I wasnt until about 2.2 seconds ago. I'm not saying why because it's stupid but still. It ties into why I'm angry well angry at myself. I have this wonderful habit of pushing people away because I'm scared. Seriously everthing in my power, one person I was just mean too and another I annoyed to death. haha. I'm not THAT annoying, I was ready to stab out my own eyeballs. So sorry to both of you.
Wow, I've never really been so public about some 'feelin's'. I don't feel better haha. Isnt that happens after you write things, you feel better. I must be really odd, okay yeah I know I am but thats okay.
Okay on to another topic. A friend and I were talking about what we want in a boyfriend. Not that either of us really want a 'boyfriend' but something might be nice. So we were pointing out things about each other that these boy 'friends' are going to have to like about us.
Mine goes as follows....
This person has to love the fact that my attention span is about the size of a 4 year olds,
that I'm loud and opinionated
I'm honest, most always
I LOVE animals, probably more that this person
I'm not a fan of sleeping
I love to read, all the time
I'm not overly emotional and even if I'm not okay, I won't admit it to this person or you for that matter
I'm married already, to my job
I'm bossy
I love fashion and will go to New York duing Fashion Week
I like gossip and trashy magazines.
Mac and cheese, mashed potatoes and hot dogs are my favorite foods
My best friends are gay.
They come first. (friends in general that is.)
... the list goes on forever. those are a few of my favorite. Okay, I just dont want to type them anymore.
And this entry is filled with so many spelling errors I should be ashamed. So just overlook them folks. And overlook that fact that I can't type in sensible english :).
Goodnight.