color me loved.
it breaks my heart when i sit across the room from my gradnfather, who is lying in a hospital bed that sits in the place of his favorite chair and resting as cancer eats away at his helpless body. he is nothing but skin colored bones, now. nothing but a wasted away version of what he once was.
that's the reality of it. the reality is that he's dying. he's not expected to make it through the night. he wasn't expected to make it through the afternoon. to expect him to live any longer than he has would be selfish. to expect him to always answer the phone when i call, to expect him to smile when i visit him, to expect him to lift his arms up to give me a hug - it's all selfish.
this is the man who showed me what a father was. he took me into his home and his heart at a time when i needed it the most. sure, he was cynical and grouchy and, well, just a normal old person. but he was a mentor, a friend, a great grandfather, father, and husband. he was a religious man. he would do anything for the church if asked. he had this sort of dry humor that made me laugh so hard at times. but he also had this stern way of speaking that would let me know when i'd done wrong.
he was a great man. he is a great man. and i don't want him to go. truth be told, he is the biggest reason most of my family hasn't killed each other yet. he loves his family so much. he loves me so much. and he'd do anything for me.
what hurts me the most is that i know that he's suffering so much right now. to have had cancer slowly eating away at his body for months (that we know of) and to be helpless to stop it - it has to be painful. and he seemed to be getting better. he was beginning to eat. and my hopes had found their way up again. then, a horrible turn.
there's not a place on his body that you can touch without causing him to hurt. bathing him is torturing him. hugging him is hurting him. why does it have to end this way? why did he have to suffer for so long? and so cruelly?
it just reiterates the say "bad things always happen to good people."
but i really don't want to believe that. because i am a good person. and i don't want that to be true.
sympathy isn't necessary. this post wasn't for you. it was for me.
for me to remember.
---
and, pawpaw, i wish you would be alert so i could tell you how much i admire you. and how much i do look up to you. in the past, i've told you things that were mean and i've been a little brat at times and i know that i haven't always been a role model for the younger grand children. but i love you. and i wish that when i told you this in person, your eyes could be open to hear me. and i wish that i could hug you. and i wish that i'd have hugged you more. and i wish that i wouldn't have so many regrets when it came to you.
and i hope that, tomorrow - if you're still awake, that i'll be able to tell you that i will make you proud. i will go on to become a great woman, wife, and mother. i will go on to be a great role model. and, believe me, mawmaw has enough strength in her kids and grandkids to help her through this difficult time, so don't be afraid to leave her.
and i know, pawpaw, that you won't suffer in the afterlife. and i know you'll always be in my mind and heart, guiding me through life. i think you're going to make a marvelous guardian angel.
---
it's only a matter of time before the tears run freely on my end.
but i'm going to be okay.
i'm always ok.
always.
i love you, pawpaw.
that's the reality of it. the reality is that he's dying. he's not expected to make it through the night. he wasn't expected to make it through the afternoon. to expect him to live any longer than he has would be selfish. to expect him to always answer the phone when i call, to expect him to smile when i visit him, to expect him to lift his arms up to give me a hug - it's all selfish.
this is the man who showed me what a father was. he took me into his home and his heart at a time when i needed it the most. sure, he was cynical and grouchy and, well, just a normal old person. but he was a mentor, a friend, a great grandfather, father, and husband. he was a religious man. he would do anything for the church if asked. he had this sort of dry humor that made me laugh so hard at times. but he also had this stern way of speaking that would let me know when i'd done wrong.
he was a great man. he is a great man. and i don't want him to go. truth be told, he is the biggest reason most of my family hasn't killed each other yet. he loves his family so much. he loves me so much. and he'd do anything for me.
what hurts me the most is that i know that he's suffering so much right now. to have had cancer slowly eating away at his body for months (that we know of) and to be helpless to stop it - it has to be painful. and he seemed to be getting better. he was beginning to eat. and my hopes had found their way up again. then, a horrible turn.
there's not a place on his body that you can touch without causing him to hurt. bathing him is torturing him. hugging him is hurting him. why does it have to end this way? why did he have to suffer for so long? and so cruelly?
it just reiterates the say "bad things always happen to good people."
but i really don't want to believe that. because i am a good person. and i don't want that to be true.
sympathy isn't necessary. this post wasn't for you. it was for me.
for me to remember.
---
and, pawpaw, i wish you would be alert so i could tell you how much i admire you. and how much i do look up to you. in the past, i've told you things that were mean and i've been a little brat at times and i know that i haven't always been a role model for the younger grand children. but i love you. and i wish that when i told you this in person, your eyes could be open to hear me. and i wish that i could hug you. and i wish that i'd have hugged you more. and i wish that i wouldn't have so many regrets when it came to you.
and i hope that, tomorrow - if you're still awake, that i'll be able to tell you that i will make you proud. i will go on to become a great woman, wife, and mother. i will go on to be a great role model. and, believe me, mawmaw has enough strength in her kids and grandkids to help her through this difficult time, so don't be afraid to leave her.
and i know, pawpaw, that you won't suffer in the afterlife. and i know you'll always be in my mind and heart, guiding me through life. i think you're going to make a marvelous guardian angel.
---
it's only a matter of time before the tears run freely on my end.
but i'm going to be okay.
i'm always ok.
always.
i love you, pawpaw.