And I Digress
I just thought it high time I cleared my mind. Just say whatever, see where it goes and where it doesn't. It would suck to be pregnant; I'm sooooooo glad I'm not. Bess, one of queen Elizabeth's "ladies in waiting," got her eggo preggo with Sir Walter's baby. They got married, without the queen's permission, so Liz lets her have it, screaming at her
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2. I am happy to hear you say whatever, especially things that honestly express your thoughts and feelings. I think that honest self expression is one of the most helpful and most neglected (at least at Wheaton) abilities of humankind. And I will try not to be judgmental about anything you say since I know, at least for myself that I change so much from day to day and hour to hour that to hold anything negative I say against me would be almost pointless.
3. If I had a suggestion: just don't think about all of those people and society. I used to hate them a lot more. I don't intellectually hate them any more. The best way that I can put it is to say that I can't stomach them. Something in me rises in revolt when I have to be around them or hear them talk. Like I want to vomit and I want to vomit on them and I want the stench of what is inside of me to teach them something that no amount of words I say ever can.
You are a fine and wonderful person, and really your life is between you and God. If our lives match up with what society or Wheaton expects, it is just a happy coincidence of God's work happening to run alongside their expectations eh? They are something else entirely. Like aliens. And yet God loves them, and they profess to love him and want to be closer to him and I can't believe that such perfect people would lie. So I must believe that he is working on their lives as he is working on mine. I have not yet figured out how this works. Besides, there may be things that He can do with them that he cannot do with me or with you. I don't know how this works either, I don't know to what extent they cannot help how they are and to what extent they really could use the voice of a prophet to wake them up and make them see that they've been standing in life as deep as a kiddie pool. But you know prophets are usually killed or something. But yes, I have been puzzling how much of all our differences is just our natures, and how much our experience, and how much our effort, and how much God's effort. I have also been thinking that one of the reasons that I hate these people is that they have consistantly had what I have not had, that is, happiness and friends. But that is not a good reason to hate them. And I don't see why God can't use them at least as well if not better than he can use me. So maybe it is good that some of them are how they are. But I can't help but hate them sometimes, as if they take the world away from me because, as you said, we praise certain people and often neglect others who are just as good.
4.This is on my wall: the test of a first rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. - F. Scott Fitzgerald. I usually cast this in terms of hope vs. the unending atrocities of man. I note that Fitzgerald doesn't even say that we have to figure out how the two are congruous or how they make sense together
5. I highly agree with you that someone should do something about the sexless existence of the Christian youth in a world where people are, as you said, getting married later or not at all. I have no idea what to do about this anymore.
... I had more thoughts floating around up in my brain, but I am starting to get a headache from trying to think of them all so I think I will stop there. I hope it is complete enough.
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I'm sorry I gave you a headache, hun. But I thank you for your openness and acceptance. It means so much, really. Thank you for your encouragement; expression means a lot to me. You are a true friend.
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