a long rainy walk
Today as I drove home from the hospital, per bus, I had to get out at a village in the middle of the route to home. I had to get a receipt from my doctor who lives there. But something started to get really bad. I lost myself in thoughts about the devil and God and judgment and hell and all that stuff. I also had to think of my friend Indi and what we experienced on her forum 10 years ago. It's scary, mind boggling stuff and there is a lot of temptation in it, at least for me. Back then I was a nutty atheist and I thought I could experiment with God. I didn't do it deliberately and perhaps that's why Jesus forgave me so easily. I had done it in ignorance. But I haven't overcome it all fully yet. I mean, I don't want to control the world with poetry anymore, I don't do any channeling anymore, I try to be really virtuous according to my ability. But it's not so easy to face all these things from my past. I always feel like I never made a real cut. Instead I tried to forget and to ignore this haunting past.
I'm not sure what my friend Indi thinks of all this. I know she suffered too because of it. Perhaps she has also tried to ignore and to forget. I know she has a boyfriend now and we're not in a real relationship, but I know she thinks of me and has kind thoughts for me sometimes. I need to trust in some things in life. It breaks my heart to find my reason leading me into this deep mistrust sometimes. Mistrust is hell. This world, if you want to trust, can give so many reasons for belief. Many christians get most of their faith just from watching the cosmos, knowing it can't have chaos and randomness as its Maker. I don't understand the matter fully, but when I allow myself to think like a child I can also see that in the Cosmos. But I grew up atheistically and although I love christian sentiments now I have my memories of when I thought differently. Sometimes I think our brain is like a clock and our reason is like a cog wheel inside of it. It just makes click and click and our minds are fashioned along what makes click to us. Many atheists find atheism convincing because it clicks in them. The world is bad and therefor there cannot be a good Creator. Click. Scientists say a resurrection is impossible. Click.
Humans always try to base their faith on something. But sometimes we can't just reason ourselves into faith. Faith is a sanity produced by the Holy Spirit. God accomodates us there in many ways, presents the church to us, gave us the Holy Bible, lets us see the good arguments for the existence of God. But faith sometimes must be given blindly. We need to tend to our faith life. We shall make this little plant grow. We must not change our beliefs when life gives us a challenge, instead we must rest and lean on the beliefs, not on the volatile events of life. Many seem to think, I need to have faith then God gives me a million. Instead we need to have faith and God will approve. Sometimes there is more coming after faith, just God being loving, but sometimes there is also nothing coming. These huge expectations inside of ourselves must end. May God do as He pleases! We just have to make the gift of faith personal, thank God always for all things, eye at His goodnes as revealed in the church.
Isn't the church beautiful? So many kind people go there. God is loved. People are loved. That is a huge gift. Then the law of God, to love Him and to love other people like myself. We don't always need huge gifts, we just have to love. Sometimes we feel messed up and need help, and God proves in His christian communities that He does help. But basically we depend the most on each other, in christian love. God is with us in varied ways. Sometimes my faith is weak but my brother's faith is strong. Sometimes my hope is crushed while my sister's hope is not. We can increase each other's faith if we would only learn to live together better, and to function more like a real christian community.
Life wasn't easy today but I feel good now. I think Jesus has it all under control. There will be a happy end for all sincere christians, that much is truly sure.
I'm not sure what my friend Indi thinks of all this. I know she suffered too because of it. Perhaps she has also tried to ignore and to forget. I know she has a boyfriend now and we're not in a real relationship, but I know she thinks of me and has kind thoughts for me sometimes. I need to trust in some things in life. It breaks my heart to find my reason leading me into this deep mistrust sometimes. Mistrust is hell. This world, if you want to trust, can give so many reasons for belief. Many christians get most of their faith just from watching the cosmos, knowing it can't have chaos and randomness as its Maker. I don't understand the matter fully, but when I allow myself to think like a child I can also see that in the Cosmos. But I grew up atheistically and although I love christian sentiments now I have my memories of when I thought differently. Sometimes I think our brain is like a clock and our reason is like a cog wheel inside of it. It just makes click and click and our minds are fashioned along what makes click to us. Many atheists find atheism convincing because it clicks in them. The world is bad and therefor there cannot be a good Creator. Click. Scientists say a resurrection is impossible. Click.
Humans always try to base their faith on something. But sometimes we can't just reason ourselves into faith. Faith is a sanity produced by the Holy Spirit. God accomodates us there in many ways, presents the church to us, gave us the Holy Bible, lets us see the good arguments for the existence of God. But faith sometimes must be given blindly. We need to tend to our faith life. We shall make this little plant grow. We must not change our beliefs when life gives us a challenge, instead we must rest and lean on the beliefs, not on the volatile events of life. Many seem to think, I need to have faith then God gives me a million. Instead we need to have faith and God will approve. Sometimes there is more coming after faith, just God being loving, but sometimes there is also nothing coming. These huge expectations inside of ourselves must end. May God do as He pleases! We just have to make the gift of faith personal, thank God always for all things, eye at His goodnes as revealed in the church.
Isn't the church beautiful? So many kind people go there. God is loved. People are loved. That is a huge gift. Then the law of God, to love Him and to love other people like myself. We don't always need huge gifts, we just have to love. Sometimes we feel messed up and need help, and God proves in His christian communities that He does help. But basically we depend the most on each other, in christian love. God is with us in varied ways. Sometimes my faith is weak but my brother's faith is strong. Sometimes my hope is crushed while my sister's hope is not. We can increase each other's faith if we would only learn to live together better, and to function more like a real christian community.
Life wasn't easy today but I feel good now. I think Jesus has it all under control. There will be a happy end for all sincere christians, that much is truly sure.