writting's on the wall...
...they'll sing.
So this is the first time I've written since things with Hanna and I ended. Sweet.
Let me continue were the story left off. My last entry I was making was cut incredibly short because Hanna showed up at my door.
We proceeded to have an absolutely amazing night. She brought down her computer and went through her itunes library showing me all the music she was into because i really didn't have an idea as to what she's really into besides bob dylan.
anyways, so she had told me earlier that day that she really wasn't sure about our situation and that she just wanted a couple days to figure it out. I told her that was fine but that I wanted to know if i should treat her any differently during that time period. She said no.
So when she showed up that night, everything was just as normal.
A-fucking-MAZING.
You know what really makes me fall in love with a girl? Those moments that we share that I just never get out of my fucking head. In these moments something happens that I just find so incredibly endearing and touching that I just can't fucking forget about how amazing they make me feel, and i remember them so well...
I've had so many of those with Hanna...that's why I grew to love her, because she just did the most absolutely incredible things that made me fall in love.
Anyways, we were hanging out, and I had another one of those moments with her. We were just sitting side by side on my bed and she was scrolling through her music, then she just leaned over and rested her head on my shoulder for a second while her free right hand gently tugged on my left sleeve.
And then the kissing started, it's always so fucking amazing kissing hanna.
Like literally, truly unbelievable.
Granted, we didn't have a very long time when we were together, but we kissed so fucking much, and it NEVER got old AT ALL.
The night was going sooo incredibly amazingly. We were listening to Frou Frou's album on repeat and it was just so fucking insane.
Then it just came out of nowhere. She started telling me about how complicated I made her life. How incredibly intoxicating I was. How the "rational" part of her knew that we weren't right for each other. That it was just so hard for her to get over that I'm the most attractive boy she's ever been with as well as the best kisser. That I'm just so calming that it isn't fair.
She stuck by her guns though, she insisted we were finished for good. That she couldn't continue this not being in a relationship and that we couldn't have one because we are so wrong for each other.
I could never make her "emotionally happy." She said that while she was happy with me she "wasn't as happy as she should have been."
It was around this point that I began to cry. I told her that I had never kissed a girl knowing that it would be the last time I would kiss them.
She said that she would miss me, then she tried to kiss me.
I couldn't do it.
I want the last kiss of Hanna and I to be one were she really fucking cared about me, when all she was thinking about was how absolutely amazing we are together.
There was a lot of hugging and crying between us for the next half and hour or so before she left my room. Then she left, I sat down on my chair, and just broke down.
I haven't cried that hard in a long time. I didn't cry a river, but it the most in a really long time.
Two days later, facebook informs me that she is in a relationship with jacob harksen.
roflfuckingcopter.
this...this was incredibly hard for me to take, harder perhaps then her leaving me because it REALLY made me doubt the reasons she gave me for ending out situation and ALL the things she had been telling me over the course of our relationship.
I can't imagine him making her feel like I did when we were together.
The nights that Hanna and I have shared...the way I know we made each other feel, it has been unparalleled in my life. Only Kayla ever made me feel that way, only she has ever kissed me that well, and that was one day.
I love Hanna.
But she has broken my fucking heart...and the thing is...I don't even feel that terribly about it...or I do in the worst kind of way...
I just...don't know how I feel about the way everything ended now...now with her dating this other guy.
Even though they've had history (she cheated on tommy with him) and saying she did really really mean all those things she told me over the course of our relationship, (which i really believe she did, I honestly do) how could she fucking get over "us" so quickly?
I don't know that she has gotten over it completely...
But there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. She turned her back on me, on our situation completely. If she still has lingering feelings...I don't know.
I would take her back, but our situation would be tainted...and what if that ruined it for me?
This is so fucking terrible. I'm just so discontent right now.
I've got that feeling again...that feeling like I had in my relationship with Allie.
That I was in the best situation of my life and I'll never get that feeling back again.
So this is the first time I've written since things with Hanna and I ended. Sweet.
Let me continue were the story left off. My last entry I was making was cut incredibly short because Hanna showed up at my door.
We proceeded to have an absolutely amazing night. She brought down her computer and went through her itunes library showing me all the music she was into because i really didn't have an idea as to what she's really into besides bob dylan.
anyways, so she had told me earlier that day that she really wasn't sure about our situation and that she just wanted a couple days to figure it out. I told her that was fine but that I wanted to know if i should treat her any differently during that time period. She said no.
So when she showed up that night, everything was just as normal.
A-fucking-MAZING.
You know what really makes me fall in love with a girl? Those moments that we share that I just never get out of my fucking head. In these moments something happens that I just find so incredibly endearing and touching that I just can't fucking forget about how amazing they make me feel, and i remember them so well...
I've had so many of those with Hanna...that's why I grew to love her, because she just did the most absolutely incredible things that made me fall in love.
Anyways, we were hanging out, and I had another one of those moments with her. We were just sitting side by side on my bed and she was scrolling through her music, then she just leaned over and rested her head on my shoulder for a second while her free right hand gently tugged on my left sleeve.
And then the kissing started, it's always so fucking amazing kissing hanna.
Like literally, truly unbelievable.
Granted, we didn't have a very long time when we were together, but we kissed so fucking much, and it NEVER got old AT ALL.
The night was going sooo incredibly amazingly. We were listening to Frou Frou's album on repeat and it was just so fucking insane.
Then it just came out of nowhere. She started telling me about how complicated I made her life. How incredibly intoxicating I was. How the "rational" part of her knew that we weren't right for each other. That it was just so hard for her to get over that I'm the most attractive boy she's ever been with as well as the best kisser. That I'm just so calming that it isn't fair.
She stuck by her guns though, she insisted we were finished for good. That she couldn't continue this not being in a relationship and that we couldn't have one because we are so wrong for each other.
I could never make her "emotionally happy." She said that while she was happy with me she "wasn't as happy as she should have been."
It was around this point that I began to cry. I told her that I had never kissed a girl knowing that it would be the last time I would kiss them.
She said that she would miss me, then she tried to kiss me.
I couldn't do it.
I want the last kiss of Hanna and I to be one were she really fucking cared about me, when all she was thinking about was how absolutely amazing we are together.
There was a lot of hugging and crying between us for the next half and hour or so before she left my room. Then she left, I sat down on my chair, and just broke down.
I haven't cried that hard in a long time. I didn't cry a river, but it the most in a really long time.
Two days later, facebook informs me that she is in a relationship with jacob harksen.
roflfuckingcopter.
this...this was incredibly hard for me to take, harder perhaps then her leaving me because it REALLY made me doubt the reasons she gave me for ending out situation and ALL the things she had been telling me over the course of our relationship.
I can't imagine him making her feel like I did when we were together.
The nights that Hanna and I have shared...the way I know we made each other feel, it has been unparalleled in my life. Only Kayla ever made me feel that way, only she has ever kissed me that well, and that was one day.
I love Hanna.
But she has broken my fucking heart...and the thing is...I don't even feel that terribly about it...or I do in the worst kind of way...
I just...don't know how I feel about the way everything ended now...now with her dating this other guy.
Even though they've had history (she cheated on tommy with him) and saying she did really really mean all those things she told me over the course of our relationship, (which i really believe she did, I honestly do) how could she fucking get over "us" so quickly?
I don't know that she has gotten over it completely...
But there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. She turned her back on me, on our situation completely. If she still has lingering feelings...I don't know.
I would take her back, but our situation would be tainted...and what if that ruined it for me?
This is so fucking terrible. I'm just so discontent right now.
I've got that feeling again...that feeling like I had in my relationship with Allie.
That I was in the best situation of my life and I'll never get that feeling back again.