Memory and regret
Another bad day. Another bad time of year. Things seem to be pretty consistently awful at this season, or at least they have been for the last three years or so. My journals don't go back any farther than that, so I can't be sure if it's been longer.
Tonight I made some unsuccessful carrot-cake-muffin-things. I tried, and failed, to describe them to both Aunty Deluvian and the Professor, and the best I could come up with was that they looked like some kind of collapsed floppy hats. They taste more or less okay, but are structurally unsound.
I think it's the 1-2-3 show that's giving me the most trouble right now. I'm wishing I hadn't submitted anything to it, because it's reminding me of all the intensely horrible stuff that was going on at this time last year, and in connection with last year's show. I wish I could stop remembering. I don't know how to not remember. How does one induce amnesia? What kind of brain damage would it take for me to get rid of all these things that used to be myself? I just want them to stop.
Two years ago, I was visiting Cornish for the first time, and torturing myself over a guy who had never liked me in the first place. A year ago, I was struggling with Cornish and torturing myself over a guy who had treated me like shit from the beginning. This year...is null. If nothing at all happens, it will be an improvement over the past, I suppose. School is still hell, of course, and I'm still in pretty much pain over the worthless scumbags I was in love with, but at least they're not still trying to tell me they want to be friends.
Sometimes I wonder how I got myself here. I never wanted to be a bitter, lonely, thirty-year-old art student, who can't quite be friends with anyone because I can never quite bring myself to trust them not to hurt me. This is not want I wanted to be. It's not a fate I would wish on anyone. I wish I could think of something different, and then do it. But of course, I've spent the last several years trying things that were different than what I'd been doing before, and it only made my life worse. So I guess I don't quite trust myself, either.
At what point do I get to just give up?
Tonight I made some unsuccessful carrot-cake-muffin-things. I tried, and failed, to describe them to both Aunty Deluvian and the Professor, and the best I could come up with was that they looked like some kind of collapsed floppy hats. They taste more or less okay, but are structurally unsound.
I think it's the 1-2-3 show that's giving me the most trouble right now. I'm wishing I hadn't submitted anything to it, because it's reminding me of all the intensely horrible stuff that was going on at this time last year, and in connection with last year's show. I wish I could stop remembering. I don't know how to not remember. How does one induce amnesia? What kind of brain damage would it take for me to get rid of all these things that used to be myself? I just want them to stop.
Two years ago, I was visiting Cornish for the first time, and torturing myself over a guy who had never liked me in the first place. A year ago, I was struggling with Cornish and torturing myself over a guy who had treated me like shit from the beginning. This year...is null. If nothing at all happens, it will be an improvement over the past, I suppose. School is still hell, of course, and I'm still in pretty much pain over the worthless scumbags I was in love with, but at least they're not still trying to tell me they want to be friends.
Sometimes I wonder how I got myself here. I never wanted to be a bitter, lonely, thirty-year-old art student, who can't quite be friends with anyone because I can never quite bring myself to trust them not to hurt me. This is not want I wanted to be. It's not a fate I would wish on anyone. I wish I could think of something different, and then do it. But of course, I've spent the last several years trying things that were different than what I'd been doing before, and it only made my life worse. So I guess I don't quite trust myself, either.
At what point do I get to just give up?