Welcome back!
Is it just me or does life really have a way of turning around and biting you in the ass? Every time everything’s going wonderful things just seems to head downhill. Not that I’m really complaining, my life is absolutely wonderful and I wouldn’t give up or change a thing, but seriously, does this bother anyone other than me? Its not even an extreme difference but its most definitely noticeable. It’s a pattern. I hate patterns, I really do. Unless its for artistic purposes of course.
I originally set out to complain and vent and so on, and then I realized what I’d be venting about is just one small piece of what my life this summer is. As far as I’m concerned everything’s sectioned off. There’s work, relationships, friends, free time, individual… whatever, and so on. So far work sucks, but it always does, the people are awesome though. Brian and I are fine, we haven’t bitten each others heads off yet so I consider that an accomplishment. I don’t get enough free time but whatever I DO get is usually spent happily enough. I’m always busy, ALWAYS! But I guess its better than being bored. Individually I’ve always been a little off but that’s normal for me now I guess but I’m not an emotional wreck and I genuinely content with myself, physically and mentally, so we’re still doing good.
Then it gets down to the whole friend thing and that’s where problems start to pop up. I’ve got tons of friends so its not lacking them its just the division between certain groups and everything. One group doesn’t like someone from another, just as an example. So far that particular example hasn’t formally risen its ugly head but I have a feeling its about to and its all going to come crashing down on me. Don’t you hate knowing that you’re the problem? I sure do. In this instance I really have nothing else to believe except that some giant conspiracy is forming around me and its because I did something that I’m not completely aware of. Either way I’m screwed because I’m certainly not going to do anything about it. I never do. I always get extremely frustrated, I vent to random people who show up at the wrong place at the wrong time, one of those people tells someone directly involved, all hell breaks loose, I go crazy, I cry, and eventually something’s lost. Yet again we’re back to a pattern, the same god damned pattern that’s been continually popping up throughout my entire high school career. I figured that since high school was done and over with that I might get lucky and the stupid pattern would quit but, none such luck.
I don’t know. What am I supposed to say? Bah… I hate confrontation with people I love. I really do. It’s all good if its someone I don’t really care about. It can actually be fun. But it sucks royal arse to do it with someone or people who know everything about you because then it becomes way too personal and I have a tendency to hit below the waist when it comes to verbal arguments. Then I feel like a bitch and nothing good ever comes and its all because I let another one of the horrible things my mind tells me to say out of my mouth. Now its almost 5 A.M and I know damn sure I’m not sleeping tonight. All I can think about is what i could have done or what rational reasons could be causing this. I’m hoping everything is just one giant misunderstanding but the way things are going I’m expecting some huge cover up. You know when you’re mad at someone and they come out and ask why and you smile and laugh and pretend everything’s fine in front of them but inside you’re writhing because you’ve spent the last few weeks, possibly months, talking crap about that person. So the person is left believing everything’s cool and that it was just bad circumstances that led to a huge misunderstanding. Well I’m usually the one putting on that lovely fake smile and letting the other person believe what they want and continuing on my merry way to rant to fellow friends who dislike that kid about how bad they are or whatever. In this case, it’s the complete opposite, or so I suspect. And because its just suspicion on my part I’m almost positive that fake or real, I’m going to keep on believing its all a huge act. Which, as we all know, isn’t good fuel for friendship and once a friendship exhausts everything it has and looses all hope of ever getting any shred of what it once had back we all know what happens from there.
I’m starting my live journal back up for no reason other than I need to rant and at this point in time I really don’t care who sees it. Hopefully no one will, but as far as I can tell, my luck sucks. I’ll let you guys know when the good spark happens but I’m not expecting anything for a couple more days. I really hope it comes faster than it normally does. I’m sick of feeling like a pathetic, defenseless little prat. I’m really ready for college……
ON the bright side I’d like to say we just got a call from my brother-in-law, my sister had a healthy baby boy. (Dad didn’t mention his name and I was too excited to ask.) He’s apparently 8 pounds. Hope we get to go up an see him before my sister throws a fit about not seeing this kid too. I’m excited though, I’m an aunt times 2! :-D
Off to bed so I can try to lull myself to sleep. I’ll figure out how once I get in my room. Don’t ask, I’m going crazy. Work tomorrow at 2 so I get to sleep in. :-D Should be an interesting day… sigh. I’m not overly excited about it. Not at all.
<3
I originally set out to complain and vent and so on, and then I realized what I’d be venting about is just one small piece of what my life this summer is. As far as I’m concerned everything’s sectioned off. There’s work, relationships, friends, free time, individual… whatever, and so on. So far work sucks, but it always does, the people are awesome though. Brian and I are fine, we haven’t bitten each others heads off yet so I consider that an accomplishment. I don’t get enough free time but whatever I DO get is usually spent happily enough. I’m always busy, ALWAYS! But I guess its better than being bored. Individually I’ve always been a little off but that’s normal for me now I guess but I’m not an emotional wreck and I genuinely content with myself, physically and mentally, so we’re still doing good.
Then it gets down to the whole friend thing and that’s where problems start to pop up. I’ve got tons of friends so its not lacking them its just the division between certain groups and everything. One group doesn’t like someone from another, just as an example. So far that particular example hasn’t formally risen its ugly head but I have a feeling its about to and its all going to come crashing down on me. Don’t you hate knowing that you’re the problem? I sure do. In this instance I really have nothing else to believe except that some giant conspiracy is forming around me and its because I did something that I’m not completely aware of. Either way I’m screwed because I’m certainly not going to do anything about it. I never do. I always get extremely frustrated, I vent to random people who show up at the wrong place at the wrong time, one of those people tells someone directly involved, all hell breaks loose, I go crazy, I cry, and eventually something’s lost. Yet again we’re back to a pattern, the same god damned pattern that’s been continually popping up throughout my entire high school career. I figured that since high school was done and over with that I might get lucky and the stupid pattern would quit but, none such luck.
I don’t know. What am I supposed to say? Bah… I hate confrontation with people I love. I really do. It’s all good if its someone I don’t really care about. It can actually be fun. But it sucks royal arse to do it with someone or people who know everything about you because then it becomes way too personal and I have a tendency to hit below the waist when it comes to verbal arguments. Then I feel like a bitch and nothing good ever comes and its all because I let another one of the horrible things my mind tells me to say out of my mouth. Now its almost 5 A.M and I know damn sure I’m not sleeping tonight. All I can think about is what i could have done or what rational reasons could be causing this. I’m hoping everything is just one giant misunderstanding but the way things are going I’m expecting some huge cover up. You know when you’re mad at someone and they come out and ask why and you smile and laugh and pretend everything’s fine in front of them but inside you’re writhing because you’ve spent the last few weeks, possibly months, talking crap about that person. So the person is left believing everything’s cool and that it was just bad circumstances that led to a huge misunderstanding. Well I’m usually the one putting on that lovely fake smile and letting the other person believe what they want and continuing on my merry way to rant to fellow friends who dislike that kid about how bad they are or whatever. In this case, it’s the complete opposite, or so I suspect. And because its just suspicion on my part I’m almost positive that fake or real, I’m going to keep on believing its all a huge act. Which, as we all know, isn’t good fuel for friendship and once a friendship exhausts everything it has and looses all hope of ever getting any shred of what it once had back we all know what happens from there.
I’m starting my live journal back up for no reason other than I need to rant and at this point in time I really don’t care who sees it. Hopefully no one will, but as far as I can tell, my luck sucks. I’ll let you guys know when the good spark happens but I’m not expecting anything for a couple more days. I really hope it comes faster than it normally does. I’m sick of feeling like a pathetic, defenseless little prat. I’m really ready for college……
ON the bright side I’d like to say we just got a call from my brother-in-law, my sister had a healthy baby boy. (Dad didn’t mention his name and I was too excited to ask.) He’s apparently 8 pounds. Hope we get to go up an see him before my sister throws a fit about not seeing this kid too. I’m excited though, I’m an aunt times 2! :-D
Off to bed so I can try to lull myself to sleep. I’ll figure out how once I get in my room. Don’t ask, I’m going crazy. Work tomorrow at 2 so I get to sleep in. :-D Should be an interesting day… sigh. I’m not overly excited about it. Not at all.
<3