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[anti_asterisk]

Yes, it's been long. I know. I had to step away from the journal for awhile, even though the time that elapsed seemed to be full of noteworthy events, I could seem to put them down. For the most part, my thoughts spew through my mind faster than I can write down and once I've posted it in my mind, it seemed pointless and hollow to try to duplicate

Comments

[cecelicious]

You seem a nomad at heart. Nothing nor nobody can keep you for very long. You're always looking for the next best thing. Maybe you should just go with it. Travel, see where that takes you.

[anti_asterisk]

I'm not looking for the next best thing. In fact, I don't want to look at all. I just want to feel at home, to know I am safe to let my guard down and exhale. I want to build a life but have been lacking the foundation to start from.

[isthmene]

"I just want to feel at home, to know I am safe to let my guard down and exhale."

That's all I ever wanted for you too.

[isthmene]

and for me.

[anti_asterisk]

I know that, babe. But how could I let down my guard when at any time my character or intentions may be called into question? I could never completely win your trust and if you couldn't know you were safe from harm with me, I could never feel safe from your doubt. From there, it snowballed into other things, but that was the backbone of everything. I think we can both admit things would have been alot different if our battles were directed outside of us, back to back, instead of between ourselves.

[isthmene]

It was hard for me to give you my complete trust when you didn't know if you wanted to be with me, or even loved me. You always seemed so poised to leave. It scared me.

But then you couldn't relax and stay with me, if i was afraid.

Kind of a chicken and egg thing. Nasty little circle.

I trusted you more than anyone, ever. Which for me meant great potential, but to you it was a deficiency. I truly am sorry that I couldn't just fully let everything go. For so many reasons.

[anti_asterisk]

I always wanted to be with you and I always loved you, that was never a question, for me at least. I agree, it was indeed a shitty catch 22. It was the 'you not being able to trust me' which made me think about if this was right for me. I didn't know if I could be 'in love' with someone who was poised to hurt me (in defense, I know, but the need for defense was the root of the problem.) My uncertainty then only fueling your insecurity and vice versa.
I never saw it as a deficiency, just a defense mechanism, one that I didn't know could ever be unarmed. It felt like there was this level we couldn't reached cause there was all this messed up shit inbetween. I too wish you could have let go, that both of us could have.

[isthmene]

I can let go.

I just need you to do so at the same time.

Then we can meet eye to eye.