Thoughts
I think a large part of my problems last year (Sophomore year) was that I refused to blame myself for what happened three years ago (Freshman year). I had lots of excuses: depression, anxiety, lack of confidence, writing difficulties. These excuses were convenient for convincing the Academic Records Committee to not eject me from the University, but realistically, by failing to take responsibility, I was dooming myself to fail again. I did learn some lessons, and when I splattered this time around, it was far less spectacular. However, the underlying issues were still present, and I was still making excuses for myself. If that's what the University wants to hear, fine (They'd apparently rather believe me incapable due to psychological issues than capable but unwilling). The problem is that I believed those excuses, too. There's absolutely no reason why I couldn't go back today and succeed (except that I'd be coming back in the middle of a semester, and would have a hopelessly large amount of backwork to do). But when I tell myself that I'm not capable, I believe it, and I find reasons not to do the work.
This thinking was sparked by looking through my classwork from last year, as part of my massive spring cleaning (most of it is getting recycled). I realized that I was really interested in and passionate about the stuff we were learning. I started making plans to myself to dig out my textbooks and reread them, teaching myself the material. And I bet I could do it, to. Why, I thought, could I teach myself the material on my own, but not let it be taught to me? Because I didn't take it seriously. I thought that just by being at college, I would become more knowledgeable. I didn't unleash my insatiable and ferocious curiosity on my classes, because I didn't think I needed to. There was my flaw, and I now take full responsibility for it. I'm not blaming my psychological issues (not to say that they're not there), I'm not suggestively mentioning ADD, then failing to ever seriously try to find out if I have it. I'm acknowledging that I made conscious decisions which caused me to get into a lot of trouble, and it was my fault. And now that I know that, I know that it is entirely in my power to fix it. Which is what I intend to do. I will be attending college somewhere this fall, but I don't yet know whether it will be Montgomery Co. Community College or Cornell (or some as-of-yet unthought-of third option). But it will happen, because I will make it happen. You can count on that, and I can count on me.
This thinking was sparked by looking through my classwork from last year, as part of my massive spring cleaning (most of it is getting recycled). I realized that I was really interested in and passionate about the stuff we were learning. I started making plans to myself to dig out my textbooks and reread them, teaching myself the material. And I bet I could do it, to. Why, I thought, could I teach myself the material on my own, but not let it be taught to me? Because I didn't take it seriously. I thought that just by being at college, I would become more knowledgeable. I didn't unleash my insatiable and ferocious curiosity on my classes, because I didn't think I needed to. There was my flaw, and I now take full responsibility for it. I'm not blaming my psychological issues (not to say that they're not there), I'm not suggestively mentioning ADD, then failing to ever seriously try to find out if I have it. I'm acknowledging that I made conscious decisions which caused me to get into a lot of trouble, and it was my fault. And now that I know that, I know that it is entirely in my power to fix it. Which is what I intend to do. I will be attending college somewhere this fall, but I don't yet know whether it will be Montgomery Co. Community College or Cornell (or some as-of-yet unthought-of third option). But it will happen, because I will make it happen. You can count on that, and I can count on me.