(no subject)
no relief. alone again. alone always? its just that there is a type of affection that my mother cant give me. anymore. and i keep thinking that i hear people walking around in my house but there is no one? see i cant even tell i feel like i am unstable and i am only writing this because the thought of other people reading this comforts me because its some sort of interpersonal connection. i think that isolation would drive me insane. i think that is what i am most afraid of probably because more than anything i love connecting with people in a real way. god damn its so hard everything is so hard and so easy. everything is the same and yet so different. i dont even know if you or i know what i am getting at. when i am lonely i get desperate and want to do things that i should not do and use people in a way that is superficial and only temporarily gratifying. for me its all about validation. right now i feel invalidated and unwanted and undesireable. i am just being honest with you, because without honesty what have we now? i feel somewhat forgotten about and that is ok cause all i need is one good person. i guess i am just searching still and searching i will be with a passive eye and a tongue so dry it could cut you. fuck. i see people together and they look desperate even with eachother. they seem lonely when they are together, looking in the wrong places for the right thing, settling for less. i never settle for less. never. maybe thats my problem. i know it will benefit me in the end but until i get there its a rocky road to travel.