That time again.
So it's February 13th again, and it's 11 years today since my father, Peter died. Today the hot weather broke at about 5am, and it started raining. Raining enough that my empty rainwater tank is almost full. The garden is full of plants slowly reviving out of defensive wilts. It's cool rather than cold, and I spent nearly an hour out in it, remembering the man who is gone forever, like tears in the rain.
I don't know if Dad ever watched 'Blade Runner', but tonight I will do what I do every year on this date and watch 'The Crimson Pirate', his favourite movie. There may be curry; it's too wet for kites; there will be Pete Seeger singing 'The Midnight Special'.
It's odd. I've never had this day go by without waking up knowing what it was. I've never remembered the anniversary of my mother's death on the day. But while I miss Dad in a 'love you, wish you were here' kind of absent way, I miss Denise in a more visceral way - the conversations I want to have, mostly. Maybe it's because she died just before my birthday, maybe it's because she died only 5 years ago this year, most likely it's because they seperated when I was six months old, I lived with her, and by the time I was 8 Dad was far more absent than present in my life, something that just got greater as I got older. Dad was always someone dearly loved but rarely there; most of my life was lived with his abcence. Denise was always there, unless I deliberately removed myself from the equation.
I miss them both. I don't want the 9th of May to be another trigger day to be glad of grey skies and rain. So from now on, this day will be my day of love. Not Valentines sugar and spite, but sorrow and loss and sharing loved things. So, Karen Alexander on the record player, and roasted apple, and let's see if I can find the original 'Prince Valient'.
Because true love never dies.
I don't know if Dad ever watched 'Blade Runner', but tonight I will do what I do every year on this date and watch 'The Crimson Pirate', his favourite movie. There may be curry; it's too wet for kites; there will be Pete Seeger singing 'The Midnight Special'.
It's odd. I've never had this day go by without waking up knowing what it was. I've never remembered the anniversary of my mother's death on the day. But while I miss Dad in a 'love you, wish you were here' kind of absent way, I miss Denise in a more visceral way - the conversations I want to have, mostly. Maybe it's because she died just before my birthday, maybe it's because she died only 5 years ago this year, most likely it's because they seperated when I was six months old, I lived with her, and by the time I was 8 Dad was far more absent than present in my life, something that just got greater as I got older. Dad was always someone dearly loved but rarely there; most of my life was lived with his abcence. Denise was always there, unless I deliberately removed myself from the equation.
I miss them both. I don't want the 9th of May to be another trigger day to be glad of grey skies and rain. So from now on, this day will be my day of love. Not Valentines sugar and spite, but sorrow and loss and sharing loved things. So, Karen Alexander on the record player, and roasted apple, and let's see if I can find the original 'Prince Valient'.
Because true love never dies.