(no subject)
who am i kidding.
what can i do to bring this life of mine back around to something that i love.
wheres the passion
wheres the excitement
wheres the fun
i find that i miss so much from my past. and i know that these changes i made in my life were to make things better and make my future happier.
where did i go wrong.
when i find myself here, thinking that i am kidding myself everyday that i get out of bed and hope that this day will be better. will it ever be? i can feel myself lose interest in the day to day. i do love what i do. i do love my coworkers. i dont like the town. the situation in which i let myself take a position in a small town that i dont feel i can be myself in. that isnt what i wanted in my move out of humboldt. i wanted the freedom to be me and love who i please and show that love without being looked down on. how can i do that here?
i cant.
so now i reconsider everything. the move, the job, the situation. i know i want some things to stay, but nothing can remain the same as it is. i hate knowing that deep down there are things that must be done, when i know that these are things i would rather never have to deal with.
so i think that a move to sacramento is in order. i dont know when. i dont know what the situation will be. i dont know if that is going to solve everything. i just know that here is not the place, despite the fact that i have met amazing people, learned many things, both about me and for my job, but this is not for me.
so maybe i am kidding myself and everyone around me. so maybe i dont know what i want at all. i wouldnt be surprised. i am not yet 25, i dont want to be married with a wife and kids. i have so many things i wish to do and see with my life and i am not ready to "settle down" and feel that married-life just yet. i am an adventurous person. i may not always show it, but given the right motivation i like to explore many different things. i dont want to fit in this little box i have backed into. i want to know that i can break free of it. i want to feel the space around me. i dont think i am cut out for all of this.
i want to hear my heart laugh again.
what can i do to bring this life of mine back around to something that i love.
wheres the passion
wheres the excitement
wheres the fun
i find that i miss so much from my past. and i know that these changes i made in my life were to make things better and make my future happier.
where did i go wrong.
when i find myself here, thinking that i am kidding myself everyday that i get out of bed and hope that this day will be better. will it ever be? i can feel myself lose interest in the day to day. i do love what i do. i do love my coworkers. i dont like the town. the situation in which i let myself take a position in a small town that i dont feel i can be myself in. that isnt what i wanted in my move out of humboldt. i wanted the freedom to be me and love who i please and show that love without being looked down on. how can i do that here?
i cant.
so now i reconsider everything. the move, the job, the situation. i know i want some things to stay, but nothing can remain the same as it is. i hate knowing that deep down there are things that must be done, when i know that these are things i would rather never have to deal with.
so i think that a move to sacramento is in order. i dont know when. i dont know what the situation will be. i dont know if that is going to solve everything. i just know that here is not the place, despite the fact that i have met amazing people, learned many things, both about me and for my job, but this is not for me.
so maybe i am kidding myself and everyone around me. so maybe i dont know what i want at all. i wouldnt be surprised. i am not yet 25, i dont want to be married with a wife and kids. i have so many things i wish to do and see with my life and i am not ready to "settle down" and feel that married-life just yet. i am an adventurous person. i may not always show it, but given the right motivation i like to explore many different things. i dont want to fit in this little box i have backed into. i want to know that i can break free of it. i want to feel the space around me. i dont think i am cut out for all of this.
i want to hear my heart laugh again.