*stifling gigglefits to type*
Comments from my last entry whipped into something vaguely resembling a storyline for your reading pleasure. Minor edits to make things flow and fit and such.
This is crack.
And all your fault.
Credit for insanity goes to: bookscrazygirl, bookworm_faith, drharper, JadeTarma, kyra_neko_rei, nekohitori, sanjuno, vericus and wereinotmyself. (If I've missed anyone, apologies, crack giggles affect my cognitive functions. Ping me and I'll add you in.)
Edited to include more comment ficcing.
*Megatron calls Optimus out of recharge to complain about the missing desk*
Optimus:*still groggy* Megatron, wha...?
Megatron: My desk is missing!
Optimus:*confused*
Megatron: Your damn Ops stole it!
Optimus: Now let’s not jump to conclusions.
Megatron: I'm not! That was my favorite desk and I want it back before it’s tainted for good.
*in the background Starscream falls over laughing*
Prowl: Jazz? Where is my desk?
Jazz: Right there *points*
Prowl: That is not my desk. In fact, it looks a great deal like the desk Megatron had in the surveillance footage from your last mission.
Jazz: If it were in Meg's office then it would be his, but since it's in your office...
= = =
*Next Day*
Optimus: Prowl... is that a new desk?
Prowl:*scowls* It is a gift from Jazz and the other Op mechs.
Optimus:o_O
Prowl: Now Jazz is talking about a 'christening' so maybe you better not be around when he comes back
Optimus: *backs out slowly and enters the land of denial*
Now every Autobot who's ever received a present from one of that group is going to be looking at it carefully...
OP: "Jazz, it never occurred to me to ask, but just where did that energon dispenser you gave Elita and I for our anniversary come from?"
*In the Nemesis Megarton grumbles about having to go to the common mess, cursing the Autobots all the way*
Random Minibot: "Hey Cliffjumper, did you ever get around to using that med kit Mirage gave you as a peace offering?"
*Mixmaster again curses that his last experimental concoctions have gone missing*
Cliffjumper: ...does anyone else see those flying monkeys with mauve fur over there? I think they're making rude gestures at me, but I'd have to look up human conventions on Teletraan to be sure.
Mirage: I would like to point out that I never intended for Cliffjumper to use it - he was supposed to have it on him the next time he saw Ratchet. Subtlety is lost on you lot…
Blaster: "Err, thanks for the present Bumblebee. Do you mind if I ask why it appears to be wriggling underneath the wrapping?"
*Meahwhile Soundwave wonders where Ratbat has got to..."
Hound: Um... *holding Megatron's helmet*
Mirage: Do you like it?
Hound: ... Um. Where am I supposed to put it?
Mirage: We can use it as a flower pot! You like flowers, don’t you?
Bumblebee: Here Spike, I got you something!
Spike: ... Is that Megatron's fusion cannon?!
Bee: Now he can't shoot at you anymore!
Megatron: PRIME! Stop letting your mechs steal my belongings!
Optimus: Well, I'm not letting them do it so much as I can't stop them from doing it. And technically, we are at war.
Megatron: So?
Optimus: So, according to them, it's, um... war booty.
Megatron: ... I hate you all.
Starscream: *collapses in hysterics*
= = =
Yet another day…
Megatron- "Prime! Get your fragging Ops mechs to return Starscream's Null rays right now! Or else I'll be forced to...
*Unearthly wailing is heard in the background*
"What is that noise!"
At the same time…
UPS guy: Evening sir, you have a delivery from the Ark, Oregon- Eep! *ducks weapons blast*
Other UPS guy: ... I want hazard pay, and work insurance had better cover this...
Soundwave- "Null rays, returned. Accompanying note: "Thanks for the lend! Prowl says thanks too!" Starscream: unable to process. Shrieking is result."
Megatron- "... Never mind Prime. I'll let this pass."
*Transmission ends*
OP - *turns to Prowl who is banging his head against the wall* "I really DON'T want to know do I?"
Prowl: No, no you do not.
Jazz: Imma have to borrow them again sometime. Last night was wild. Prowl's Megatron impression... Mrowr! *leers*
Optimus: 0_0 *fizzt*
Prowl: *facepalm* Thank you, Jazz. Now we have to drag him down to Ratchet, and hope our CMO doesn't ask questions.
Jazz: Why? Ol' Ratch' got a thing for Megsy's voice too?
Ratchet: What? Again! Fraggit Jazz, can't you go a day without...
Jazz: Nope!
Ratchet: *sigh* just put him on the berth next to Red Alert.
Prowl: Red Alert? What happened this time?
Ratchet: He found out where Spike got the materials for his latest project.
Prowl: His "Ode to the Purple Griffin" Sculpture for the Rec Room? The one the twins wanted to remember the battle? How could that...
Jazz: Ah! That's what 'Bee wanted it for!
Prowl *slowly*: Wanted WHAT for?
Jazz: Err... he just wanted a little help shifting something, so me 'n 'Rage gave him a hand.
Ratchet: For Primus' sake Jazz, just spit it out! What did you miscreants take this time?
Jazz: Just some sheet metal! Honest!
Prowl: And you couldn't use our supplies, why?
Jazz: None the right colour.
Skywarp: Hey TC!
Thundercracker: What?
SW: Did we always share a room with the Coneheads?
TC: ... I need to talk to Swindle.
SW: Why?
TC: Because when I bet that they'd end up stealing the walls next I never expected it to pay out.
Prowl: *sigh*
Jazz: What? An orange griffin wouldn't have the same effect, or the same... pathos.
Swindle: *paying out to Thundercracker* This is the last time I'm taking bets on what those Autobots steal next.
TC: Yeah, and I'm the Queen of England. Bet they'll steal one of us next.
Swindle: You're on.
= = =
And of course…
Ops mechs: Skyfire! We got you something from the 'Con base too!
Skyfire: 0_0;; *has seen what the others got* Ah... Thanks?
Ops mechs: No problem! Enjoy! *drops off a muchly beribboned (and gagged) Starscream (who isn't really fighting very hard to get loose*
Thundercracker: *grinning as he collects his winnings from a cranky Swindle*
Skywarp: ‘Cracker, can we play too?
TC: … Why not. You can teleport in, right?
Skyfire: So... why aren't you fighting? *untying*
Starscream: Because I'm finding this all far too amusing to want it to stop. And seeing Megatron lose it over harmless theft makes me giggle. *gleefully rubs hands once free*
Skyfire: ... Ah. You do realise that you're an Autobot prisoner now?
Starscream: No I'm not.
Skyfire: ... You're not?
Stasrscream: No. *wicked smirk* I'm an Autobot gift.
Skyfire: Of course. *should have remembered Seekers are crazy*
Ops mechs: Where's Blaster? We didn't forget him either! *point to similarly beribboned Soundwave*
Skyfire: =_=;; I... don't know.
Soundwave: ... Situation: Uncomfortable
Ops mechs: That'll get better once we find the mech.
Skyfire: I... need to go check the energon dispensers...
Skyfire: *attempts to escape the crazy*
Ops Mechs: *follow carrying Soundwave*
Starscream: *Saunters along behind making faces at Soundwave*
Skyfire: ... Why are you following me?
Jazz: Well, we're not following you so much as heading in the same general direction.
Mirage: And Blaster may be in the Rec room, it's his break time right about now.
Bee: And if there's a problem with the energon dispensers then Blaster may still be there.
Soundwave: *sqirming* Suggestion: Allow me to walk.
Starscream: Now, now Soundwave. Presents don't walk until after they're opened!
Soundwave: *death glare*
Starscream: *grins*
Skyfire: ... *wondering if all Ops mechs are actually Seekers in disguise, as they share the same crazy*
Skyfire: *chugging highgrade*
Blaster: *stares* So... what exactly am I supposed to do with him?
Soundwave: Suggestion: Release me.
Starscream: Or he would make a very nice paperweight. *waves at various Autobots and snickers as they run into walls/tables/chairs/doorframes while busy staring*
Optimus Prime: ... I don't think I want to know. *backs away slowly*
Ops Mechs: *evil grins*
Ops mechs: *to Blaster* *cumulative leer* You need ideas?
Blaster: 0_0;; NothankyouIcanhandleitonmyown!
Skyfire: *whisper* Frag, Prowl. How did you not develop a drinking problem?
Prowl: *nonchalantly* I had one before coming here. Sentinel’s fault.
Skyfire: 0_0!
Prowl: *sotto voce* Amazing what a bit of programming can do to mitigate the effects of high grade. All the buzz, none of the consequences if I'm careful.
Skyfire: 0_0!
Prowl: Ratchet knows, I shared the coding with him, but don't tell the rest of the Ark. I'm not about to ease the consequences of their overcharging sessions. Why should I be the only one suffering?
Next day…
Thundercracker: Hey Optimus, just thought I’d check, with Starscream and Soundwave gone, me and Skywarp are the interim Decepticon Second and Third. So, should we head on over and save your Ops bots the trip?
Skywarp: *in background* I found ribbons!
Optimus: *stare*
Prowl: *discrete sip* *shrug*
Jazz: *grins* Really? That’s awful nice of you two.
SW: What can we say? ‘Screamer rubs off on a mech… It really is too damn funny to see Megatron flail.
= = =
Soon after, Skywarp decides to join the fun.
Spike: *sitting in a little box hidden as best Skywarp knows how* You know, this was amusing the first time, but after a while this getting kidnapped every Friday gets kinda boring
Carly: *doodling aimlessly* At least we get rescued every Saturday?
*Bumblebee arrives*
Spike: Dammit,'Bee! Get me outta here.
BB: I'm on it. *gets little (by Cybertronian standards) box from hiding spot*
Spike: *mutters* I feel like a damn trading card.
BB: *innocent look*
= = =
And finally, Prime, in a moment of processor fritz induced genius, finds a solution to the war on the Earth front. Have Prowl and Jazz turn every major energy production site into one of their *ahem* playgrounds and Megatron won't dare touch it.
Megatron: Prime! Keep a fragging leash on your mechs!
Optimus: *innocent* Please don't remind me of what they get up to behind my back...
Megatron: *twitch*
Jazz: You know what they say, Megsy! Make love, not war!
Prowl: I somehow doubt the originators of that phrase had this in mind.
Jazz: *snorts* You complainin'?
Prowl: Of course not. *sudden snog*
Megatron: AAAARRRRRGGGHHHH!! MY OPTICS!
*suddenly Jazz and Prowl become the least shot at mechs on the battlefield by Megatron, because an injury to one will prompt the other to 'kiss it better'*
*Prime realises this*
Prime: *looks around and realizes they are about to be overrun by the Decepticons* Prowl! Interface with Jazz immediately!
Prowl: WHAT?!
Prime: That's an order!
Jazz: Hey, no objections from this corner.
Prowl: That's because you're an exhibitionist.
Jazz: Gotta flaunt what you got, and I got a hot mech who's just been ordered to 'face with me. *leer*
Megatron: ... You know what, I'm going home.
Rest of 'Cons: Okay, but we're staying for the show!
Jazz: >:3 Showtime, babe!
Prowl: @_@;;
And the human military swoops in to get the drop on the 'Cons while both them AND the Autobots are distracted.
Jazz: Dude! Way to spoil the mood!
Prowl: *doesn't know if he should be relieved or frustrated*
Random 'Con: Why is Megatron the only one not with voyeuristic tendencies? I mean, if he said "We'll arrange to leave the human energy plant workers alive as long as you keep sending us videos", I'd be all for it.
Random 'Con 2 (and the rest of the Decepticon army): Frag YES!
Additions start here:
Begin transmission:
Megatron: Prime, I've called to, uh...
Prime: Yes, Megatron?
Megatron: Could you possibly control those two? My entire army is out there watching them!
Prime: No, I can't, and why would this be a problem?
Megatron: You can't fight a war without an army!
Prime: So you're calling to concede?
Megatron:...*fumes*...maybe?
Optimus: Now all we have to worry about is how to phrase the archival data.
Jazz: What? 'Rabid interfacing on the parts of Optimus Prime's Second and Third distracted the 'Cons and caused Megatron to surrender due to lack of resources' won't work?
Prowl: We're going for something that won't cause spark attacks in the generations that have to read it in the future.
Jazz: Hey, at least they'll pay attention in History class. I know I didn't.
Prowl: If they use it in History. The rate we're going, this will end up in the archives as the Cybertronian Karma Sutra, with 'the war ended and the Decepticons surrendered' as a footnote.
Optimus: *wonders if he was better off with the war still going on*
Skywarp: I like being distracted, and the ribbons are shiney.
Thundercracker: Can you show us that thing with the cuffs again?
Starscream: What with how fond you Autobots are of bondage, our descendants are all going to think that the war was a long, elaborate role playing scene.
Autobots: *stare*
Optimus: ... Have you been here the whole time?
Seekers: Yep.
Starscream: *waves Reflector camera around* I've been recording everything for prosterity as well!
Prowl: *pulls out flask from hip compartment*
Prime: *motions to Prowls drink*
Prowl & Prime: *pass flash back and forth while Seekers and Ops discuss methods of "bringing the spark back into your interfacing life"*
Optimus: ... How did you deal with this under Sentinel?
Prowl: With high grade. *sip*
Optimus: And you are not fritzed by high grade abuse, how?
Prowl: *is not about to tell Prime his secret* Who says I'm not? I let this continue, didn't I?
Optimus: *stare* *twitch*
Prowl: The overloads really do make up for everything else.
Jazz: Hey, Prowler! Get over here, we wanna try something!
Prowl: They're singing my song. Toodles, Prime.
Optimus: *fizzt*
Prowl: *sigh* Skywarp, 'port him down to Ratchet, please.
SW: Why should I?
Prowl: You can 'port away, so Ratchet can't hit you, and there are a number of different points on a seeker frame, that, when subjected to certain pressures and voltages, will suspend the mech in an extended, drawn out riot of pleasure that ends in an overload when the applying bot wants it to. If you want me to do this to you-
SW (+ Prime): *bamf*
Jazz: ... Why haven't we done that?
Prowl: You aren't a seeker, the points are different for your frame, and you offlined the last time. Then, you had to block the memory because you were fragging useless for anything else.
Jazz: ... Oh.
SW: *ports in* Medic! *drops Prime on a berth and ports out*
Ratchet: Primus fraggit! Not again. *wings a wrench at Prime for lack of a better target* All the wisdom of past Autobot leaders and you can't handle a little innuendo?
Prime: *fizzt!*
=/=
Spike: *stares at door to command center, from which the most unholy of noises are emerging* What the hell are they doing in there?
Bee: I think Prowl is demonstrating to the Seekers how he managed to snag Jazz and keep him hopelessly devoted.
Carly: ... Wow. Mech must be something else.
Bee: Oh, you have no idea.
Spike: Huh, really? I suppose you never know with the quiet ones. But I still don't see what's so great about it that you'd call off the war.
Carly: You've got a point. I mean, humans have started wars for love and sex, but we've never actually stopped one for that reason.
Spike: I guess it's a Cybertronian thing.
Bee: ... *idea!* Hey Whee~eelja~ack! Can you do me a small favour?
Humans: ??
=Later...=
Seekers: *stupidly happy grins*
Jazz: *same*
Prowl: *exhausted but smug*
Reflector: *caught it all on tape! whee!*
Jazz: Sweet Primus, I can't believe you three outlasted me, what with how pented up you must've been.
Screamer: Just because Megatron's a prude, doesn't mean we are. The three of us are just as active as you.
Cracker: Plus, it's not the first time we've had that little trick pulled on us.
Jazz: ... Someone else knows that trick? Who?
Warp: Soundwave.
Jazz: Really?
Warp; Yeah, but he's got six kids to take care of, so he doesn't have the time to indulge us very often.
Prowl: Does anyone else hear screaming?
All: *look out into hall*
Bee: *very pleased with self*
Spike: Bee! I'm a robot again! Why am I a robot again!? Don't you remember waht happened the last time I was a robot!?
Carly: Hey, I'm a robot too.
Bee: And you both make very nice looking Cybertronians. Now come on, let me explain to you exactly why the war ended the way it did.
Spike: *squeaks when Bee grabs him*
Carly: *intrigued as Bee pulls them both into empty room*
Prowl: Ah. I was wondering when Bumblebee would get around to doing that.
Jazz: Hey yeah. 'Jack fixed the transfer process a while ago didn't he?
Prowl: Mmm, yes. But the humans still need to absorb a significant portion of our spark radiation until the transfer is possible.
Screamer: Interesting...
Warp: I'm kind of jealous.
Jazz: Of Bee? Why?
Warp: Becuase he just bagged himself two complete virgins to play with.
Cracker: ... Dammit. Now I'm jealous.
Screamer & Jazz: *look at each other and drag the others back into the room and shut the door*
Prowl: Again? ... Oh very well.
Jazz & Seekers: Yay!
Spike: *flopped over 'Bee's frame* ... Okay, I think I see your point.
Carly: *also flopped over her mechs, smirking* ... I dunno. I'm not so convinced...
'Bee: *smirk* Wait 'till I show you the rest of it.
Spike: 0_0 'Rest of it'?
'Bee: It can wait 'till we've all caught some recharge. *happy purr*
Over in the Seeker+Porsche+Datsun just onlining afterglow pile...
Jazz: So... How did Soundwave learn that trick?
Prowl: I learnt it from him actually.
Jazz: o_0
Prowl: The mech has six sparklings. He didn't get them on his own. *to Seekers* Has he done *detailed description of incredibly kinky act* to you?
Seekers: O_O ... No.
(Skywarp: That's legal? TC: That's possible? SS: That's unfair. Why did Prowl get to experience it and not us?)
Prowl: Ah. I suppose the sparklings really do take up a lot of time.
Seekers: *pout*
Soundwave: *popping in* Query: Energon dispensers, working again?
Prowl: *waves from pileup* Should be.
Soundwave: Thank you. Additional query: Time to Seekers begging for release?
Prowl: *smirk* Half-breem average.
Soundwave: *impressed look* Blaster: Took whole breem.
Prowl: You tried the back of his neck?
Soundwave: Recommendation: Acceptable. Will use next time.
Prowl: No problem.
Seekers: So... about this thing Soundwave hasn't done to us...
Jazz: My mech, boyos. I get first dibs.
Prowl: Later, Jazz. The Ark doesn't run itself. *wriggles free and saunters out*
SS: ... How does he do that?
Jazz: *shrug* Pit if I know. Mech's like the fragging Energiser Bunny. Quick recharge time and all.
SW: Nice aft too.
TC: A nice aft that's out of our line of sight now :(
SS: Hey, if you can get up and follow him, be my guest.
Jazz: *snuggles close*
TC+SW: Um... We'll just wait here.
SS: Good choice.
=Still later yet...=
Spike: Holy slag.
Carly: Okay, I think I'm very thoroughly convinced now.
Bee: Told ya. *smug!*
Spike & Carly: *exchange look* *pounce Bee!*
Bee: *happy purr*
=/=
Screamer: Skyfire! Watch this for me will you? *drops of crate and runs off*
Skyfire: ... *opens crate despite self*
Cassette Cons & Bots: *look up at Skyfire from sleepy pile*
Ratbat: Light off! *wails*
Eject: Tryin' a sleep... *whines*
Skyfire: *closes crate* ... the slag?
=/=
Seekers: *port into Blasters quarters*
Soundwave and Blaster: *in the middle of incedibly kinky act*
Warp: Hey! ^_^
Blaster: Eeep!
Soundwave: Query: Reason for inturruption?
Warp: First off, ther is no slagging way a boom box can outlast us.
Cracker: Secondly, we've arranged for someone trustworthy to watch the kids for the next long while.
Screamer: And thirdly, we've got first dibs. Now you either play with us or go away.
Blaster: *whimpers*
Wave: Seekers: Cute when jealous.
Seekers: We'll show you cute. *pounce*
Blaster: Imma never understand you Cons... *is grabbed* Meep! O.O
=/=
Prime: *humming* Good evening Prowl, Jazz.
Bots: *stare as Prime blithely continues past the two mechs practically interfaceing in the hallway*
Jack: Ratchet, what did you do to him.
Ratchet: Nothing! He just woke up that way. I think that last fritz burned out a connector, and now he's in happy denial land.
Jack: Ah. Maybe it's for the best.
Ratchet: Now that the Prime's settled, it's my turn to get some. *grabs Wheeljack*
Jack: ^_^ *glee*
And even more later still...
Skyfire: *sticks head into Blaster's quarters* Blaster, Soundwave, your cassettes want in. Now.
Blaster: *tired & snuggled up with Soundwave* M'kay.
Cassettes: *pile onto both tape players to continue recharge*
Soundwave: *still in recharge, curls around Blaster*
Skyfire: *sigh* *looks about for seekers* *spots seeker pile* Hmmm...
SS: *wakes up* WTFrag! *is tied up with...* *checks* *with ribbon?* 0_0;;
Skyfire: Morning, Starscream.
SS: ... Let me go?
SF: I don't think so. *purr* Because it's occurred to me that while I got to unwrap my present, I never got to play with it. And I wouldn't want the Ops mechs to think I was ungrateful, would I? *devious smirk*
SS: *gasping* ... No, don't want that at all- ah!
TC: 'Warp, where's Screamer?
*shrieking*
SW: There he is! ^_^ He and Skyfire sound busy. Leave 'em alone for now?
TC: *shrug* Why not? We have to find Reflector and process the pictures anyway.
And... Elsewhere.
Trailbreaker: *pokes at Mirage's latest gift to Hound* I dunno if I should be jealous or relieved.
Hound: o_O I'll let you know as soon as I've figured out how I'm supposed to react. *also pokes*
Mirage: *pounces both* *purrs* The seekers just shared some very interesting techniques for... interrogation. Help me practise? *enticing wiggling*
Hound: 0_0;;
Trailbreaker: 0_0;;
Mirage: >:3 I take your silence to mean agreement. *drags off to quarters*
*hours later*
TB: *attempts to twap Hound from where he's laying* You need to learn to share more often.
Mirage: :3 ♥ *agreeing purr is agreeing*
Hound: I'm sure I'd agree if I could process code right now.
Trailbreaker: You'd better.
Mirage: Can you do that thing with the forcefields again?
TB: 'Raj, not that I'm complaining, but didn't we just go for a couple of hours? Kinda need a break here...
Mirage: Tsk, we really need to work on your stamina. *anticipatory look* Which means you need practice. Lots of it.
Mirage: *after some pondering* Hey 'Breaker, how detailed of a shape can you make your forcefields?
TB: Why do you ask?
Mirage: Well, forcefield plus one of Hound's holograms equals extra partner without any of the potentially obnoxious personality. ^-^
Hound & TB: -_-;;
TB: Frag, Mirage. I had no idea you were this kinky. *thump*
Hound: Towers mech. They're horribly repressed.
Mirage: I'll show you repressed! *growl! *pounce*
*out in the hallway*
Mech 1: What was that?
Mech 2: What was what?
*muffled thumps and yelps come out of the room*
Mech 1: That!
Mech 2: Oh, that. Don't worry about it, it's nothing.
Mech 1: It sounds like someone's getting hurt!
From the Room: Aaaaaaaah!
Mech 1: See?!
Mech 2: *listens to more of the muffled "clangboombang"* Nah, that's just Mirage making up for lost time.
This is crack.
And all your fault.
Credit for insanity goes to: bookscrazygirl, bookworm_faith, drharper, JadeTarma, kyra_neko_rei, nekohitori, sanjuno, vericus and wereinotmyself. (If I've missed anyone, apologies, crack giggles affect my cognitive functions. Ping me and I'll add you in.)
Edited to include more comment ficcing.
*Megatron calls Optimus out of recharge to complain about the missing desk*
Optimus:*still groggy* Megatron, wha...?
Megatron: My desk is missing!
Optimus:*confused*
Megatron: Your damn Ops stole it!
Optimus: Now let’s not jump to conclusions.
Megatron: I'm not! That was my favorite desk and I want it back before it’s tainted for good.
*in the background Starscream falls over laughing*
Prowl: Jazz? Where is my desk?
Jazz: Right there *points*
Prowl: That is not my desk. In fact, it looks a great deal like the desk Megatron had in the surveillance footage from your last mission.
Jazz: If it were in Meg's office then it would be his, but since it's in your office...
= = =
*Next Day*
Optimus: Prowl... is that a new desk?
Prowl:*scowls* It is a gift from Jazz and the other Op mechs.
Optimus:o_O
Prowl: Now Jazz is talking about a 'christening' so maybe you better not be around when he comes back
Optimus: *backs out slowly and enters the land of denial*
Now every Autobot who's ever received a present from one of that group is going to be looking at it carefully...
OP: "Jazz, it never occurred to me to ask, but just where did that energon dispenser you gave Elita and I for our anniversary come from?"
*In the Nemesis Megarton grumbles about having to go to the common mess, cursing the Autobots all the way*
Random Minibot: "Hey Cliffjumper, did you ever get around to using that med kit Mirage gave you as a peace offering?"
*Mixmaster again curses that his last experimental concoctions have gone missing*
Cliffjumper: ...does anyone else see those flying monkeys with mauve fur over there? I think they're making rude gestures at me, but I'd have to look up human conventions on Teletraan to be sure.
Mirage: I would like to point out that I never intended for Cliffjumper to use it - he was supposed to have it on him the next time he saw Ratchet. Subtlety is lost on you lot…
Blaster: "Err, thanks for the present Bumblebee. Do you mind if I ask why it appears to be wriggling underneath the wrapping?"
*Meahwhile Soundwave wonders where Ratbat has got to..."
Hound: Um... *holding Megatron's helmet*
Mirage: Do you like it?
Hound: ... Um. Where am I supposed to put it?
Mirage: We can use it as a flower pot! You like flowers, don’t you?
Bumblebee: Here Spike, I got you something!
Spike: ... Is that Megatron's fusion cannon?!
Bee: Now he can't shoot at you anymore!
Megatron: PRIME! Stop letting your mechs steal my belongings!
Optimus: Well, I'm not letting them do it so much as I can't stop them from doing it. And technically, we are at war.
Megatron: So?
Optimus: So, according to them, it's, um... war booty.
Megatron: ... I hate you all.
Starscream: *collapses in hysterics*
= = =
Yet another day…
Megatron- "Prime! Get your fragging Ops mechs to return Starscream's Null rays right now! Or else I'll be forced to...
*Unearthly wailing is heard in the background*
"What is that noise!"
At the same time…
UPS guy: Evening sir, you have a delivery from the Ark, Oregon- Eep! *ducks weapons blast*
Other UPS guy: ... I want hazard pay, and work insurance had better cover this...
Soundwave- "Null rays, returned. Accompanying note: "Thanks for the lend! Prowl says thanks too!" Starscream: unable to process. Shrieking is result."
Megatron- "... Never mind Prime. I'll let this pass."
*Transmission ends*
OP - *turns to Prowl who is banging his head against the wall* "I really DON'T want to know do I?"
Prowl: No, no you do not.
Jazz: Imma have to borrow them again sometime. Last night was wild. Prowl's Megatron impression... Mrowr! *leers*
Optimus: 0_0 *fizzt*
Prowl: *facepalm* Thank you, Jazz. Now we have to drag him down to Ratchet, and hope our CMO doesn't ask questions.
Jazz: Why? Ol' Ratch' got a thing for Megsy's voice too?
Ratchet: What? Again! Fraggit Jazz, can't you go a day without...
Jazz: Nope!
Ratchet: *sigh* just put him on the berth next to Red Alert.
Prowl: Red Alert? What happened this time?
Ratchet: He found out where Spike got the materials for his latest project.
Prowl: His "Ode to the Purple Griffin" Sculpture for the Rec Room? The one the twins wanted to remember the battle? How could that...
Jazz: Ah! That's what 'Bee wanted it for!
Prowl *slowly*: Wanted WHAT for?
Jazz: Err... he just wanted a little help shifting something, so me 'n 'Rage gave him a hand.
Ratchet: For Primus' sake Jazz, just spit it out! What did you miscreants take this time?
Jazz: Just some sheet metal! Honest!
Prowl: And you couldn't use our supplies, why?
Jazz: None the right colour.
Skywarp: Hey TC!
Thundercracker: What?
SW: Did we always share a room with the Coneheads?
TC: ... I need to talk to Swindle.
SW: Why?
TC: Because when I bet that they'd end up stealing the walls next I never expected it to pay out.
Prowl: *sigh*
Jazz: What? An orange griffin wouldn't have the same effect, or the same... pathos.
Swindle: *paying out to Thundercracker* This is the last time I'm taking bets on what those Autobots steal next.
TC: Yeah, and I'm the Queen of England. Bet they'll steal one of us next.
Swindle: You're on.
= = =
And of course…
Ops mechs: Skyfire! We got you something from the 'Con base too!
Skyfire: 0_0;; *has seen what the others got* Ah... Thanks?
Ops mechs: No problem! Enjoy! *drops off a muchly beribboned (and gagged) Starscream (who isn't really fighting very hard to get loose*
Thundercracker: *grinning as he collects his winnings from a cranky Swindle*
Skywarp: ‘Cracker, can we play too?
TC: … Why not. You can teleport in, right?
Skyfire: So... why aren't you fighting? *untying*
Starscream: Because I'm finding this all far too amusing to want it to stop. And seeing Megatron lose it over harmless theft makes me giggle. *gleefully rubs hands once free*
Skyfire: ... Ah. You do realise that you're an Autobot prisoner now?
Starscream: No I'm not.
Skyfire: ... You're not?
Stasrscream: No. *wicked smirk* I'm an Autobot gift.
Skyfire: Of course. *should have remembered Seekers are crazy*
Ops mechs: Where's Blaster? We didn't forget him either! *point to similarly beribboned Soundwave*
Skyfire: =_=;; I... don't know.
Soundwave: ... Situation: Uncomfortable
Ops mechs: That'll get better once we find the mech.
Skyfire: I... need to go check the energon dispensers...
Skyfire: *attempts to escape the crazy*
Ops Mechs: *follow carrying Soundwave*
Starscream: *Saunters along behind making faces at Soundwave*
Skyfire: ... Why are you following me?
Jazz: Well, we're not following you so much as heading in the same general direction.
Mirage: And Blaster may be in the Rec room, it's his break time right about now.
Bee: And if there's a problem with the energon dispensers then Blaster may still be there.
Soundwave: *sqirming* Suggestion: Allow me to walk.
Starscream: Now, now Soundwave. Presents don't walk until after they're opened!
Soundwave: *death glare*
Starscream: *grins*
Skyfire: ... *wondering if all Ops mechs are actually Seekers in disguise, as they share the same crazy*
Skyfire: *chugging highgrade*
Blaster: *stares* So... what exactly am I supposed to do with him?
Soundwave: Suggestion: Release me.
Starscream: Or he would make a very nice paperweight. *waves at various Autobots and snickers as they run into walls/tables/chairs/doorframes while busy staring*
Optimus Prime: ... I don't think I want to know. *backs away slowly*
Ops Mechs: *evil grins*
Ops mechs: *to Blaster* *cumulative leer* You need ideas?
Blaster: 0_0;; NothankyouIcanhandleitonmyown!
Skyfire: *whisper* Frag, Prowl. How did you not develop a drinking problem?
Prowl: *nonchalantly* I had one before coming here. Sentinel’s fault.
Skyfire: 0_0!
Prowl: *sotto voce* Amazing what a bit of programming can do to mitigate the effects of high grade. All the buzz, none of the consequences if I'm careful.
Skyfire: 0_0!
Prowl: Ratchet knows, I shared the coding with him, but don't tell the rest of the Ark. I'm not about to ease the consequences of their overcharging sessions. Why should I be the only one suffering?
Next day…
Thundercracker: Hey Optimus, just thought I’d check, with Starscream and Soundwave gone, me and Skywarp are the interim Decepticon Second and Third. So, should we head on over and save your Ops bots the trip?
Skywarp: *in background* I found ribbons!
Optimus: *stare*
Prowl: *discrete sip* *shrug*
Jazz: *grins* Really? That’s awful nice of you two.
SW: What can we say? ‘Screamer rubs off on a mech… It really is too damn funny to see Megatron flail.
= = =
Soon after, Skywarp decides to join the fun.
Spike: *sitting in a little box hidden as best Skywarp knows how* You know, this was amusing the first time, but after a while this getting kidnapped every Friday gets kinda boring
Carly: *doodling aimlessly* At least we get rescued every Saturday?
*Bumblebee arrives*
Spike: Dammit,'Bee! Get me outta here.
BB: I'm on it. *gets little (by Cybertronian standards) box from hiding spot*
Spike: *mutters* I feel like a damn trading card.
BB: *innocent look*
= = =
And finally, Prime, in a moment of processor fritz induced genius, finds a solution to the war on the Earth front. Have Prowl and Jazz turn every major energy production site into one of their *ahem* playgrounds and Megatron won't dare touch it.
Megatron: Prime! Keep a fragging leash on your mechs!
Optimus: *innocent* Please don't remind me of what they get up to behind my back...
Megatron: *twitch*
Jazz: You know what they say, Megsy! Make love, not war!
Prowl: I somehow doubt the originators of that phrase had this in mind.
Jazz: *snorts* You complainin'?
Prowl: Of course not. *sudden snog*
Megatron: AAAARRRRRGGGHHHH!! MY OPTICS!
*suddenly Jazz and Prowl become the least shot at mechs on the battlefield by Megatron, because an injury to one will prompt the other to 'kiss it better'*
*Prime realises this*
Prime: *looks around and realizes they are about to be overrun by the Decepticons* Prowl! Interface with Jazz immediately!
Prowl: WHAT?!
Prime: That's an order!
Jazz: Hey, no objections from this corner.
Prowl: That's because you're an exhibitionist.
Jazz: Gotta flaunt what you got, and I got a hot mech who's just been ordered to 'face with me. *leer*
Megatron: ... You know what, I'm going home.
Rest of 'Cons: Okay, but we're staying for the show!
Jazz: >:3 Showtime, babe!
Prowl: @_@;;
And the human military swoops in to get the drop on the 'Cons while both them AND the Autobots are distracted.
Jazz: Dude! Way to spoil the mood!
Prowl: *doesn't know if he should be relieved or frustrated*
Random 'Con: Why is Megatron the only one not with voyeuristic tendencies? I mean, if he said "We'll arrange to leave the human energy plant workers alive as long as you keep sending us videos", I'd be all for it.
Random 'Con 2 (and the rest of the Decepticon army): Frag YES!
Additions start here:
Begin transmission:
Megatron: Prime, I've called to, uh...
Prime: Yes, Megatron?
Megatron: Could you possibly control those two? My entire army is out there watching them!
Prime: No, I can't, and why would this be a problem?
Megatron: You can't fight a war without an army!
Prime: So you're calling to concede?
Megatron:...*fumes*...maybe?
Optimus: Now all we have to worry about is how to phrase the archival data.
Jazz: What? 'Rabid interfacing on the parts of Optimus Prime's Second and Third distracted the 'Cons and caused Megatron to surrender due to lack of resources' won't work?
Prowl: We're going for something that won't cause spark attacks in the generations that have to read it in the future.
Jazz: Hey, at least they'll pay attention in History class. I know I didn't.
Prowl: If they use it in History. The rate we're going, this will end up in the archives as the Cybertronian Karma Sutra, with 'the war ended and the Decepticons surrendered' as a footnote.
Optimus: *wonders if he was better off with the war still going on*
Skywarp: I like being distracted, and the ribbons are shiney.
Thundercracker: Can you show us that thing with the cuffs again?
Starscream: What with how fond you Autobots are of bondage, our descendants are all going to think that the war was a long, elaborate role playing scene.
Autobots: *stare*
Optimus: ... Have you been here the whole time?
Seekers: Yep.
Starscream: *waves Reflector camera around* I've been recording everything for prosterity as well!
Prowl: *pulls out flask from hip compartment*
Prime: *motions to Prowls drink*
Prowl & Prime: *pass flash back and forth while Seekers and Ops discuss methods of "bringing the spark back into your interfacing life"*
Optimus: ... How did you deal with this under Sentinel?
Prowl: With high grade. *sip*
Optimus: And you are not fritzed by high grade abuse, how?
Prowl: *is not about to tell Prime his secret* Who says I'm not? I let this continue, didn't I?
Optimus: *stare* *twitch*
Prowl: The overloads really do make up for everything else.
Jazz: Hey, Prowler! Get over here, we wanna try something!
Prowl: They're singing my song. Toodles, Prime.
Optimus: *fizzt*
Prowl: *sigh* Skywarp, 'port him down to Ratchet, please.
SW: Why should I?
Prowl: You can 'port away, so Ratchet can't hit you, and there are a number of different points on a seeker frame, that, when subjected to certain pressures and voltages, will suspend the mech in an extended, drawn out riot of pleasure that ends in an overload when the applying bot wants it to. If you want me to do this to you-
SW (+ Prime): *bamf*
Jazz: ... Why haven't we done that?
Prowl: You aren't a seeker, the points are different for your frame, and you offlined the last time. Then, you had to block the memory because you were fragging useless for anything else.
Jazz: ... Oh.
SW: *ports in* Medic! *drops Prime on a berth and ports out*
Ratchet: Primus fraggit! Not again. *wings a wrench at Prime for lack of a better target* All the wisdom of past Autobot leaders and you can't handle a little innuendo?
Prime: *fizzt!*
=/=
Spike: *stares at door to command center, from which the most unholy of noises are emerging* What the hell are they doing in there?
Bee: I think Prowl is demonstrating to the Seekers how he managed to snag Jazz and keep him hopelessly devoted.
Carly: ... Wow. Mech must be something else.
Bee: Oh, you have no idea.
Spike: Huh, really? I suppose you never know with the quiet ones. But I still don't see what's so great about it that you'd call off the war.
Carly: You've got a point. I mean, humans have started wars for love and sex, but we've never actually stopped one for that reason.
Spike: I guess it's a Cybertronian thing.
Bee: ... *idea!* Hey Whee~eelja~ack! Can you do me a small favour?
Humans: ??
=Later...=
Seekers: *stupidly happy grins*
Jazz: *same*
Prowl: *exhausted but smug*
Reflector: *caught it all on tape! whee!*
Jazz: Sweet Primus, I can't believe you three outlasted me, what with how pented up you must've been.
Screamer: Just because Megatron's a prude, doesn't mean we are. The three of us are just as active as you.
Cracker: Plus, it's not the first time we've had that little trick pulled on us.
Jazz: ... Someone else knows that trick? Who?
Warp: Soundwave.
Jazz: Really?
Warp; Yeah, but he's got six kids to take care of, so he doesn't have the time to indulge us very often.
Prowl: Does anyone else hear screaming?
All: *look out into hall*
Bee: *very pleased with self*
Spike: Bee! I'm a robot again! Why am I a robot again!? Don't you remember waht happened the last time I was a robot!?
Carly: Hey, I'm a robot too.
Bee: And you both make very nice looking Cybertronians. Now come on, let me explain to you exactly why the war ended the way it did.
Spike: *squeaks when Bee grabs him*
Carly: *intrigued as Bee pulls them both into empty room*
Prowl: Ah. I was wondering when Bumblebee would get around to doing that.
Jazz: Hey yeah. 'Jack fixed the transfer process a while ago didn't he?
Prowl: Mmm, yes. But the humans still need to absorb a significant portion of our spark radiation until the transfer is possible.
Screamer: Interesting...
Warp: I'm kind of jealous.
Jazz: Of Bee? Why?
Warp: Becuase he just bagged himself two complete virgins to play with.
Cracker: ... Dammit. Now I'm jealous.
Screamer & Jazz: *look at each other and drag the others back into the room and shut the door*
Prowl: Again? ... Oh very well.
Jazz & Seekers: Yay!
Spike: *flopped over 'Bee's frame* ... Okay, I think I see your point.
Carly: *also flopped over her mechs, smirking* ... I dunno. I'm not so convinced...
'Bee: *smirk* Wait 'till I show you the rest of it.
Spike: 0_0 'Rest of it'?
'Bee: It can wait 'till we've all caught some recharge. *happy purr*
Over in the Seeker+Porsche+Datsun just onlining afterglow pile...
Jazz: So... How did Soundwave learn that trick?
Prowl: I learnt it from him actually.
Jazz: o_0
Prowl: The mech has six sparklings. He didn't get them on his own. *to Seekers* Has he done *detailed description of incredibly kinky act* to you?
Seekers: O_O ... No.
(Skywarp: That's legal? TC: That's possible? SS: That's unfair. Why did Prowl get to experience it and not us?)
Prowl: Ah. I suppose the sparklings really do take up a lot of time.
Seekers: *pout*
Soundwave: *popping in* Query: Energon dispensers, working again?
Prowl: *waves from pileup* Should be.
Soundwave: Thank you. Additional query: Time to Seekers begging for release?
Prowl: *smirk* Half-breem average.
Soundwave: *impressed look* Blaster: Took whole breem.
Prowl: You tried the back of his neck?
Soundwave: Recommendation: Acceptable. Will use next time.
Prowl: No problem.
Seekers: So... about this thing Soundwave hasn't done to us...
Jazz: My mech, boyos. I get first dibs.
Prowl: Later, Jazz. The Ark doesn't run itself. *wriggles free and saunters out*
SS: ... How does he do that?
Jazz: *shrug* Pit if I know. Mech's like the fragging Energiser Bunny. Quick recharge time and all.
SW: Nice aft too.
TC: A nice aft that's out of our line of sight now :(
SS: Hey, if you can get up and follow him, be my guest.
Jazz: *snuggles close*
TC+SW: Um... We'll just wait here.
SS: Good choice.
=Still later yet...=
Spike: Holy slag.
Carly: Okay, I think I'm very thoroughly convinced now.
Bee: Told ya. *smug!*
Spike & Carly: *exchange look* *pounce Bee!*
Bee: *happy purr*
=/=
Screamer: Skyfire! Watch this for me will you? *drops of crate and runs off*
Skyfire: ... *opens crate despite self*
Cassette Cons & Bots: *look up at Skyfire from sleepy pile*
Ratbat: Light off! *wails*
Eject: Tryin' a sleep... *whines*
Skyfire: *closes crate* ... the slag?
=/=
Seekers: *port into Blasters quarters*
Soundwave and Blaster: *in the middle of incedibly kinky act*
Warp: Hey! ^_^
Blaster: Eeep!
Soundwave: Query: Reason for inturruption?
Warp: First off, ther is no slagging way a boom box can outlast us.
Cracker: Secondly, we've arranged for someone trustworthy to watch the kids for the next long while.
Screamer: And thirdly, we've got first dibs. Now you either play with us or go away.
Blaster: *whimpers*
Wave: Seekers: Cute when jealous.
Seekers: We'll show you cute. *pounce*
Blaster: Imma never understand you Cons... *is grabbed* Meep! O.O
=/=
Prime: *humming* Good evening Prowl, Jazz.
Bots: *stare as Prime blithely continues past the two mechs practically interfaceing in the hallway*
Jack: Ratchet, what did you do to him.
Ratchet: Nothing! He just woke up that way. I think that last fritz burned out a connector, and now he's in happy denial land.
Jack: Ah. Maybe it's for the best.
Ratchet: Now that the Prime's settled, it's my turn to get some. *grabs Wheeljack*
Jack: ^_^ *glee*
And even more later still...
Skyfire: *sticks head into Blaster's quarters* Blaster, Soundwave, your cassettes want in. Now.
Blaster: *tired & snuggled up with Soundwave* M'kay.
Cassettes: *pile onto both tape players to continue recharge*
Soundwave: *still in recharge, curls around Blaster*
Skyfire: *sigh* *looks about for seekers* *spots seeker pile* Hmmm...
SS: *wakes up* WTFrag! *is tied up with...* *checks* *with ribbon?* 0_0;;
Skyfire: Morning, Starscream.
SS: ... Let me go?
SF: I don't think so. *purr* Because it's occurred to me that while I got to unwrap my present, I never got to play with it. And I wouldn't want the Ops mechs to think I was ungrateful, would I? *devious smirk*
SS: *gasping* ... No, don't want that at all- ah!
TC: 'Warp, where's Screamer?
*shrieking*
SW: There he is! ^_^ He and Skyfire sound busy. Leave 'em alone for now?
TC: *shrug* Why not? We have to find Reflector and process the pictures anyway.
And... Elsewhere.
Trailbreaker: *pokes at Mirage's latest gift to Hound* I dunno if I should be jealous or relieved.
Hound: o_O I'll let you know as soon as I've figured out how I'm supposed to react. *also pokes*
Mirage: *pounces both* *purrs* The seekers just shared some very interesting techniques for... interrogation. Help me practise? *enticing wiggling*
Hound: 0_0;;
Trailbreaker: 0_0;;
Mirage: >:3 I take your silence to mean agreement. *drags off to quarters*
*hours later*
TB: *attempts to twap Hound from where he's laying* You need to learn to share more often.
Mirage: :3 ♥ *agreeing purr is agreeing*
Hound: I'm sure I'd agree if I could process code right now.
Trailbreaker: You'd better.
Mirage: Can you do that thing with the forcefields again?
TB: 'Raj, not that I'm complaining, but didn't we just go for a couple of hours? Kinda need a break here...
Mirage: Tsk, we really need to work on your stamina. *anticipatory look* Which means you need practice. Lots of it.
Mirage: *after some pondering* Hey 'Breaker, how detailed of a shape can you make your forcefields?
TB: Why do you ask?
Mirage: Well, forcefield plus one of Hound's holograms equals extra partner without any of the potentially obnoxious personality. ^-^
Hound & TB: -_-;;
TB: Frag, Mirage. I had no idea you were this kinky. *thump*
Hound: Towers mech. They're horribly repressed.
Mirage: I'll show you repressed! *growl! *pounce*
*out in the hallway*
Mech 1: What was that?
Mech 2: What was what?
*muffled thumps and yelps come out of the room*
Mech 1: That!
Mech 2: Oh, that. Don't worry about it, it's nothing.
Mech 1: It sounds like someone's getting hurt!
From the Room: Aaaaaaaah!
Mech 1: See?!
Mech 2: *listens to more of the muffled "clangboombang"* Nah, that's just Mirage making up for lost time.