Fat girl musings and New lyrics
Hey guys, since I still have no camera and can give you no new videos, I thought I'd post the lyrics of a song I'm working on. Still a work in progress, but I'm liking it so far. But first here's a big crazy rambling:
This song is kind of going back to my roots of uber-personal lyrics that make people slightly uncomfortable. :) Heh. No, actually I was thinking about this whole huge weight-loss journey I'm on and how I've pretty much my whole life been "the fat girl" - like all through school that's just what I was, and frankly it sucks big donkey dong to be defined like that. And while I have a long way to go, eventually, I'll be thinner than I was in high school -- I was around 240 lbs when I graduated in 2000, my eventual goal is to get down to 199 or lower, I just want to be under 200! And I realized that I don't know how to be normal-sized. I've seriously never been an average sized person, I've never been conventionally attractive to reasonable people (and frankly I'm thinking even at 200 I'll be pretty damn hot) and so I honestly don't know how I'll handle it. I don't know how to deal with being flirted with, I don't know how to deal with people wanting to be my friend (and yeah, I know the world is very very shallow and I have every expectation that as I get smaller I'll get more attention in both of those ways). I have always had this fat as a shield -- if someone wanted to get to know me or date me I knew it wasn't because of my looks, it was because of me (unless it was one of those guys who seemed to be interested in me because they figured I'd be desperate and fall for anything - I've encountered several of those), but if I'm not "the fat girl" anymore, I just won't know anymore... and I'll either mistrust everyone and turn into even more of a misanthropic bitch than I am already, or I'll get taken advantage of at every turn because I just won't know how to deal with the new me.
And it weirds me out to know that there are people who wouldn't give me a second look at the size I am now (let alone when i was 35 pounds heavier) but 50 or 100 pounds from now all of a sudden they'll be interested. Hell, I got some of this already, went out for Mardi Gras with some friends and actually got flirted with (unfortunately I was very very drunk and do not recall what the guy looked like or his name, although I think I gave him my card) and yet the whole time I was thinking "8 months ago and without this corset on, this guy wouldn't have even looked my way". And so now I have to distrust the motives of everyone.
But I didn't start this weight loss thing for other people. Being more attractive is merely a side benefit -- this is for me and my health and my self-confidence and my feeling better about myself. I'm in better shape than I've ever been in my life. Last night I jogged/ran 3.2 miles in 50 minutes on the elliptical machine - the farthest I've ever gone. Sure, I was sweating like a beer stein in the sun and my thigh muscles twitched for 20 minutes after, but I did it. And that's awesome.
And at the same time, it kind of makes me feel worse these days because now I care about my weight, and the weight loss is just one more thing for me to beat myself up over and get annoyed with myself for not doing well enough, whereas before it was like "yeah, I'm fat, fuck it, oh well." But now I'm accountable to myself and to the scale and charts on my Wii Fit for my actions, and if I screw up, I have only myself to blame, and now it matters like it didn't before.
I'm growing up, I think, and it's hard. :P
Blah, well, enough babble, I needed to get that out. Now for lyrics!
She was always defined
By her size
She was always the one
They would insensitively mock
And indefinitely rock to her core
But she wanted to be more
than that big girl in the corner
She was always alone
Never bothered to be waiting by the phone, no one calls
She was always at home
Always hiding from rejection
And never letting go of herself
Wanting to be someone else
Than that big girl in the corner
And she cries
And she tries
And she sings
And she thinks
It would be so easy to
Leave this all behind..
She was always defined
by her size
Now she'll always remind them
That a soul has no armor
And you really can harm her with words
Yes, it honestly does hurt
To be the big girl in the corner.
Comments always very welcome! Thanks for reading. :)
This song is kind of going back to my roots of uber-personal lyrics that make people slightly uncomfortable. :) Heh. No, actually I was thinking about this whole huge weight-loss journey I'm on and how I've pretty much my whole life been "the fat girl" - like all through school that's just what I was, and frankly it sucks big donkey dong to be defined like that. And while I have a long way to go, eventually, I'll be thinner than I was in high school -- I was around 240 lbs when I graduated in 2000, my eventual goal is to get down to 199 or lower, I just want to be under 200! And I realized that I don't know how to be normal-sized. I've seriously never been an average sized person, I've never been conventionally attractive to reasonable people (and frankly I'm thinking even at 200 I'll be pretty damn hot) and so I honestly don't know how I'll handle it. I don't know how to deal with being flirted with, I don't know how to deal with people wanting to be my friend (and yeah, I know the world is very very shallow and I have every expectation that as I get smaller I'll get more attention in both of those ways). I have always had this fat as a shield -- if someone wanted to get to know me or date me I knew it wasn't because of my looks, it was because of me (unless it was one of those guys who seemed to be interested in me because they figured I'd be desperate and fall for anything - I've encountered several of those), but if I'm not "the fat girl" anymore, I just won't know anymore... and I'll either mistrust everyone and turn into even more of a misanthropic bitch than I am already, or I'll get taken advantage of at every turn because I just won't know how to deal with the new me.
And it weirds me out to know that there are people who wouldn't give me a second look at the size I am now (let alone when i was 35 pounds heavier) but 50 or 100 pounds from now all of a sudden they'll be interested. Hell, I got some of this already, went out for Mardi Gras with some friends and actually got flirted with (unfortunately I was very very drunk and do not recall what the guy looked like or his name, although I think I gave him my card) and yet the whole time I was thinking "8 months ago and without this corset on, this guy wouldn't have even looked my way". And so now I have to distrust the motives of everyone.
But I didn't start this weight loss thing for other people. Being more attractive is merely a side benefit -- this is for me and my health and my self-confidence and my feeling better about myself. I'm in better shape than I've ever been in my life. Last night I jogged/ran 3.2 miles in 50 minutes on the elliptical machine - the farthest I've ever gone. Sure, I was sweating like a beer stein in the sun and my thigh muscles twitched for 20 minutes after, but I did it. And that's awesome.
And at the same time, it kind of makes me feel worse these days because now I care about my weight, and the weight loss is just one more thing for me to beat myself up over and get annoyed with myself for not doing well enough, whereas before it was like "yeah, I'm fat, fuck it, oh well." But now I'm accountable to myself and to the scale and charts on my Wii Fit for my actions, and if I screw up, I have only myself to blame, and now it matters like it didn't before.
I'm growing up, I think, and it's hard. :P
Blah, well, enough babble, I needed to get that out. Now for lyrics!
She was always defined
By her size
She was always the one
They would insensitively mock
And indefinitely rock to her core
But she wanted to be more
than that big girl in the corner
She was always alone
Never bothered to be waiting by the phone, no one calls
She was always at home
Always hiding from rejection
And never letting go of herself
Wanting to be someone else
Than that big girl in the corner
And she cries
And she tries
And she sings
And she thinks
It would be so easy to
Leave this all behind..
She was always defined
by her size
Now she'll always remind them
That a soul has no armor
And you really can harm her with words
Yes, it honestly does hurt
To be the big girl in the corner.
Comments always very welcome! Thanks for reading. :)