No one ever asks a hobo for tech support
So I got my Dilbert e-newletter thingy today, which always amuses me. And the first paragraph was
"Dogbert’s New Ruling Class has ballooned to 460,000 members. Each one of you has so much animal magnetism that woodland creatures stick to your body when you hike through the forest. In fact, I predict that at least one of you has a mole on your buttocks right now."
Yay for a laugh to start...ok, continue, my day.
More little bits of cynical joy a la "Ask Dogbert"
Dear Dogbert,
My parents are always calling me to come over and fix their computer. I live an hour away, and this is getting annoying. What should I do?
Lawrence
Dear Lowrents,
Get an unlisted phone number and only communicate with your parents by e-mail. That way, when their computer doesn’t work, they won’t be able to ask you to fix it. Also, consider changing your name and living as a hobo. No one ever asks a hobo for tech support.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
I want to invite my boss over for dinner, but my wife is a terrible housekeeper. I like a neat, clean house, but her packrat tendencies are so bad that we have to forge a path through the junk. Any suggestions?
John
Dear Jaundice,
Tell your wife that you bought her a diamond tennis bracelet and it’s hidden beneath one of the piles. After she cleans the entire house looking for it, say, "Just kidding!" Then note the amusing look on her face and say, "I wish I had a camera! Ha ha!" Then hire a food taster because your odds of getting poisoned
will be somewhat higher.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
I work in a CD shop where lots of Induhviduals point to the price sticker on the CD and ask, "Is this the price?" How can I get maximum personal enjoyment out of this?
Wernich
Dear Wiener,
Tell them that the sticker shows "the price, not including gratuities."
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
After saying hello to a coworker in the hall for the first time of the day, how am I to handle seeing him in the hall on successive occasions? Should I say hello again? Should I ignore him?
Micah
Dear Formica,
Try making a dopey face and saying too loudly, "WE’VE GOT TO STOP MEETING LIKE THIS! HA HA HA HA!!!" Eventually, your coworkers will learn to avoid going near you.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
There is a cute guy working in the cubicle near mine, how can I get him to ask me out?
Thanks
Maj
Dear Madcow,
I personally know the guy that sits next to you, and he says he isn’t the least bit interested. But don’t feel bad, because it isn’t you; it’s him not liking your looks and your personality.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
What is the effect of feeding Goldfish Crackers to a sperm whale?
Jorge
Dear (expletive deleted),
That is perfectly okay, except for the part where the sperm whale eats you and later poops you onto a barrier reef. But whatever you do, don’t try to feed a sperm whale to a Goldfish Cracker, because it will anger the whale and ruin the cracker.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert
How can I fashion a time machine so I can use it to go back in time and prevent myself from ever building a time machine?
Buttons
Dear Buttocks,
I will give you the answer to that question yesterday.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
"Dogbert’s New Ruling Class has ballooned to 460,000 members. Each one of you has so much animal magnetism that woodland creatures stick to your body when you hike through the forest. In fact, I predict that at least one of you has a mole on your buttocks right now."
Yay for a laugh to start...ok, continue, my day.
More little bits of cynical joy a la "Ask Dogbert"
Dear Dogbert,
My parents are always calling me to come over and fix their computer. I live an hour away, and this is getting annoying. What should I do?
Lawrence
Dear Lowrents,
Get an unlisted phone number and only communicate with your parents by e-mail. That way, when their computer doesn’t work, they won’t be able to ask you to fix it. Also, consider changing your name and living as a hobo. No one ever asks a hobo for tech support.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
I want to invite my boss over for dinner, but my wife is a terrible housekeeper. I like a neat, clean house, but her packrat tendencies are so bad that we have to forge a path through the junk. Any suggestions?
John
Dear Jaundice,
Tell your wife that you bought her a diamond tennis bracelet and it’s hidden beneath one of the piles. After she cleans the entire house looking for it, say, "Just kidding!" Then note the amusing look on her face and say, "I wish I had a camera! Ha ha!" Then hire a food taster because your odds of getting poisoned
will be somewhat higher.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
I work in a CD shop where lots of Induhviduals point to the price sticker on the CD and ask, "Is this the price?" How can I get maximum personal enjoyment out of this?
Wernich
Dear Wiener,
Tell them that the sticker shows "the price, not including gratuities."
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
After saying hello to a coworker in the hall for the first time of the day, how am I to handle seeing him in the hall on successive occasions? Should I say hello again? Should I ignore him?
Micah
Dear Formica,
Try making a dopey face and saying too loudly, "WE’VE GOT TO STOP MEETING LIKE THIS! HA HA HA HA!!!" Eventually, your coworkers will learn to avoid going near you.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
There is a cute guy working in the cubicle near mine, how can I get him to ask me out?
Thanks
Maj
Dear Madcow,
I personally know the guy that sits next to you, and he says he isn’t the least bit interested. But don’t feel bad, because it isn’t you; it’s him not liking your looks and your personality.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
What is the effect of feeding Goldfish Crackers to a sperm whale?
Jorge
Dear (expletive deleted),
That is perfectly okay, except for the part where the sperm whale eats you and later poops you onto a barrier reef. But whatever you do, don’t try to feed a sperm whale to a Goldfish Cracker, because it will anger the whale and ruin the cracker.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert
How can I fashion a time machine so I can use it to go back in time and prevent myself from ever building a time machine?
Buttons
Dear Buttocks,
I will give you the answer to that question yesterday.
Sincerely,
Dogbert