A Year in Review, The holidays, Decemberitis.
I know a lot of people don't like this time of year. I know I have complained about it previously. People get nasty around Christmas, and are just generally mean to each other. I love the summer the stickiness the sun, the beach, the longer days. It has been a long time since I have felt as alive as I have this summer. It is a strange thing because it has been a long time, since I have felt this involved and enjoyed life this much. Sure I am still emo as hell, and am very sad about the loss of certain friendships this year. However I think I have come to terms with the flagellation of earlier in the year. On the whole I feel really good about life. I feel really capable, even if things aren't where I would like them to be, I feel hope about things. I am not unhealthily fixated on anything.
I am so glad. Unfortunately Christmas means that families feel like they need to talk to each other. My immediate family did fine with Christmas day we had a nice lunch and exchanged socks and underwear and hung out till my bro and I went to work. However, over the past couple of days my parents have been moody children, because they talked to their families of origin. Unfortunately I suffered the brunt of this, the other night. It's no mystery that I have stacked on some serious weight while the Eva dramas were happening. I was eating sugar like it was going out of fashion. I wasn't binging, but I wasn't eating healthily, so I stacked on weight. I was aware of the weighht gain and was complaining about it to mum when she returned from the northern territory. So when made a proclamation of my weight gain the other night I didn't really know how to respond. I was hurt and I knew it wasn't necessary for her to remind me but I wasn't certain at the time whether this was a malicious action on her part so I took it. It festered the next day and I processed it. Yes it was true, But no I did not need to be reminded? What was the point of her telling me I was a fatty boom sticks? I have been working to change it, but not in the detrimental ways I have in the past. It sucks yes, but until she said that despite me being fat it is the most comfortable I have ever felt in my own body... maybe not my jeans right now. But I didn't want to crawl out of my own skin or hide in my aloof thoughts as I have in previous stages in my life. So I got mad, because I could feel my head running around in a shame cycle and I felt like doing something drastic and unhealthy. I attempted to be diplomatic, and approach her about it. I am not really sure if I succeeded. I explained how I found her comment hurtful and unnecessary because she knew I knew I was not physically fit. She tried to say she thought maybe I didn't know??? As the discussion progressed, she started talking about her mother and sister, and how she didn't want that relationship. I tried to explain to her that when she did things that were so blatantly hurtful that she was trying to re-enact her that relationship. I think it kind of got through. I said that I would appreciate her support in my weight loss but not her criticism. I was really happy it didn't end up in a passive aggressive bitch fight that lasted months. However, it has made me reconsider the longevity of my stay in parents household. Can they help trying to relive the unhealthy relationships of their childhood with me? How do I stay uninvolved? How do I protect myself? I don't want to do that eating disorder depression bullshit again.
In the meantime, I am really glad I decided to go back to uni. I really enjoy the course work and have made some really down to earth friends. I really enjoy their company, they are no bullshit folk, who are interested and involved in life. I won't lie, that first semester was brutal, and I failed a subject last semester. I really think I have chosen the right thing to do. More and more I have a difficult time imagining myself in a healing profession. I don't have the ego for it. I like the puzzles and the team work involved in much of the engineering work.
This was a difficult year with my ridiculous text boy drama, living with my parents, the deterioration of an important friendship, heightened anxiety due to overconsumption of caffeine, feeling like an alien at uni. I am glad this year happened, I have learnt so much, and forgiven myself for my many blunders. I have even protected myself from being harmed again, while still remaining open to new possibilities. I feel genuine hope for the first time in a long time. I am so glad this year is nearly over, because I see a lot of possibility and joy in next year. I also will be glad when December is no more. Anyone have a cute Jewish man for me so I can convert? Christmas is so not my thing.
I am so glad. Unfortunately Christmas means that families feel like they need to talk to each other. My immediate family did fine with Christmas day we had a nice lunch and exchanged socks and underwear and hung out till my bro and I went to work. However, over the past couple of days my parents have been moody children, because they talked to their families of origin. Unfortunately I suffered the brunt of this, the other night. It's no mystery that I have stacked on some serious weight while the Eva dramas were happening. I was eating sugar like it was going out of fashion. I wasn't binging, but I wasn't eating healthily, so I stacked on weight. I was aware of the weighht gain and was complaining about it to mum when she returned from the northern territory. So when made a proclamation of my weight gain the other night I didn't really know how to respond. I was hurt and I knew it wasn't necessary for her to remind me but I wasn't certain at the time whether this was a malicious action on her part so I took it. It festered the next day and I processed it. Yes it was true, But no I did not need to be reminded? What was the point of her telling me I was a fatty boom sticks? I have been working to change it, but not in the detrimental ways I have in the past. It sucks yes, but until she said that despite me being fat it is the most comfortable I have ever felt in my own body... maybe not my jeans right now. But I didn't want to crawl out of my own skin or hide in my aloof thoughts as I have in previous stages in my life. So I got mad, because I could feel my head running around in a shame cycle and I felt like doing something drastic and unhealthy. I attempted to be diplomatic, and approach her about it. I am not really sure if I succeeded. I explained how I found her comment hurtful and unnecessary because she knew I knew I was not physically fit. She tried to say she thought maybe I didn't know??? As the discussion progressed, she started talking about her mother and sister, and how she didn't want that relationship. I tried to explain to her that when she did things that were so blatantly hurtful that she was trying to re-enact her that relationship. I think it kind of got through. I said that I would appreciate her support in my weight loss but not her criticism. I was really happy it didn't end up in a passive aggressive bitch fight that lasted months. However, it has made me reconsider the longevity of my stay in parents household. Can they help trying to relive the unhealthy relationships of their childhood with me? How do I stay uninvolved? How do I protect myself? I don't want to do that eating disorder depression bullshit again.
In the meantime, I am really glad I decided to go back to uni. I really enjoy the course work and have made some really down to earth friends. I really enjoy their company, they are no bullshit folk, who are interested and involved in life. I won't lie, that first semester was brutal, and I failed a subject last semester. I really think I have chosen the right thing to do. More and more I have a difficult time imagining myself in a healing profession. I don't have the ego for it. I like the puzzles and the team work involved in much of the engineering work.
This was a difficult year with my ridiculous text boy drama, living with my parents, the deterioration of an important friendship, heightened anxiety due to overconsumption of caffeine, feeling like an alien at uni. I am glad this year happened, I have learnt so much, and forgiven myself for my many blunders. I have even protected myself from being harmed again, while still remaining open to new possibilities. I feel genuine hope for the first time in a long time. I am so glad this year is nearly over, because I see a lot of possibility and joy in next year. I also will be glad when December is no more. Anyone have a cute Jewish man for me so I can convert? Christmas is so not my thing.