Rumination with a gold fish.

[ant_farm]

I am meant to be meditating on safety and hiding. This is a problem for 2 reasons. I struggle with meditation. Being mindful is rather agonising for me. I try I struggle and I rarely succeed. So meditation usually pisses me off because I zone out and all of the sudden I have to be present in all of the bullshit that is around me. Eeep see there I

Comments

[invig]

I think mediation and a bad memory go together.

I think meditation disturbs and distorts the brains normal emotional mechanisms, and interferes with memory formation as a result (my brother has a shocking memory and he meditates, so the sample size is restricted to one, sorry)

I think there might be a deeper problem u need to solve.

PS: I only skim read yr post (tired as I am) but if u wish I can read it in detail.

[ant_farm]

How curious.

I think there is quite a bit of research that would suggest otherwise with the meditiation and bad memory. However, I tend to concur with your empirical knowledge. Having gone to hippy school for quite a few years and observed their hideous fish bowl memories and inclinations to meditate.

My post are just whingey self indulgent stuff. I tend to repeat myself alot, so its probably best to skim.

Are you someone I know or a random?

[invig]

Yeah but regarding that research I think they are reflecting the fact that simply relaxing oneself is better than feeling stressed out. So meditation allows the mind/body to relax, but when taken to extremes, it interferes with mental operation.

Its especially bad when used as a band-aid for deeper problems. Which everyone tends to have, at least to some extent from my experience (something to do with an individualistic society). But the stress ('negative emotion') is not completely undesirable. It is your mind telling u that reality is not correlating well with your internal models of how the world 'should' work. Meditation is good for managing the stress short term, but it IS a message that should not be ignored. That could be why so many hippies have such childish views of the world: they have not challenged their beliefs in a systemic fashion and matured their ideas by doing so.

Self indulgent? Thats what blogs are for ;)

I'm a brother of look_a_unicorn. So if u know him, i guess I'm not random.

[ant_farm]

Thanks for your comments they are thoughtful which is nice to see. I am intrigued by what you are saying about there being an incongruence in what one thinks of the world and what the world actually is resulting in stress. I have been letting my brain stew with that for a while. I definately see that in a lot of angry people's lives. (I think hippies can be quite angry people)

I think my current negative emotion has to do with me not wanting to accept nihlism. Trying to understand that I need to be selfish sometimes inorder to live more effectively and happily.

[invig]

I've really been enjoying reading your blog for the first time this morning. Especially the stuff about God and truth and being close to people.

Without preempting anything too much, I don't think that nihlism (in the context I believe you mean) has to imply selfishness or lack of meaning. I think it can simply mean understanding the premise upon which you relate to others (on an individual basis), and taking your role on the basis of that premise seriously

[ant_farm]

I genuinely appreciate my delusions being challenged. It is one of my values which is why sometimes I am obnoxious and intrude on the people I care about with my version of the "truth".

I do understand that "truth" is very relative, you need to contextualise it, social propriety is a very confusing factor. Truth is so dependent on perception that you can argue it into oblivion. I think that the more perceptions, especially ones coming form outside my world are incredibly valuble. Occasionally another perspective allows you to look at something in a way that would never be presented to you in normal circumstances.(social propriety again dictates the people that care about me feel like they shouldn't point out certian delusions of mine)Ultimately I just like things that are different.

My "problems" are very trivial. I am sure I have stated that I use this journal as a place to spill my guts when I am at the height of being a crazy lady. I have admit I am slightly embarrassed that you have been reading through.

[invig]

I have only read some entries from the first 'page' but will now stop.

My apologies, it was an intrusion into a personal space. I should have followed my own advice and waited until permission has been established until I presumed to do so.

[ant_farm]

No worries.

I am often embarrassed. I painfully aware I am a bit of a twat. I have added you as a friend so if your really intrigued you can read my friends only entries which tend to be on the same level as all the others.

My journal gets repetive and boring. You can swap some names around and it generally is about the same stuff. If you find it interesting, and the total lack of spelling and grammar aren't deterants, read away.