Segmented thoughts
So I have noticed that I really miss my text friend. I know its silly because there is a great deal of embarrassment that goes hand in hand with this friend. We can't keep it clean which is a shame. It was another outlet where I really didn't feel judged and I could just throw crap out there. I know essentially that is what a live journal could or should be, but every time I post I do get quite embarrassed by my forthrightness.
The other problem I have noticed with my text withdrawals is that the things I want to write about are so silly and arbitrary it really isn't worth anyone's time. It was nice with Matt I could just tell him shit and he enjoyed it. Silly musings that sound ridiculous even in my head, but are kind of part of me despite my negative judgments about them.
For the first time ever I am begining to see the appeal of a relationship. I would like to just be able to hang with someone and have them tell me shit and I could do the same. I would like that freedom and lack of judgment. I would like to accept someone and have them accept me. All of me which is the hard part. I keep so many parts of me protected from people, it's hard for me to ever feel accepted. At the same time if want to be accepted, I have to be more accepting of other people. I wonder if I am up for that challenge.
In some ways I feel more closed off and protective than I have ever been. I am very cautious of people who in the past I would have been drawn to because of their oddness. I am not sure if this is a good, neutral, or bad thing. I wonder how I find someone who accepts all of me, can I accept all of that person. I have always in the past said very disparaging things about people I have liked because I have felt unworthy so surely they would have to be flawed if I saw something good in them. I know this is heinously twisted logic. I'd really like to let my guard down and appreciate all of someone and let them do the same for me.
In the meantime I need to note down some silly segmented thoughts that I haven't had the outlet to share with anyone with out sounding like a nutter.
1. I am really enjoying the graffiti on the north shore line, there are some really talented taggers out there its really pretty and making my train journeys home that little bit more enjoyable.
2. I am totally jealous of my father he got called for jury duty. He has to get out of it which seems to be a challenge. I think if he plays up the yankee accent he should be fine. He is really worried because the fine is something astronomical and he can't get out of work because he runs his own business.
3. I wanted to comment on the strange way in which I have taken to thinking in dot points, or text message sized parcels of information. I wonder if it is the influence of things like facebook and texting, or whether I have always thought in such small clunky chunks.
The other problem I have noticed with my text withdrawals is that the things I want to write about are so silly and arbitrary it really isn't worth anyone's time. It was nice with Matt I could just tell him shit and he enjoyed it. Silly musings that sound ridiculous even in my head, but are kind of part of me despite my negative judgments about them.
For the first time ever I am begining to see the appeal of a relationship. I would like to just be able to hang with someone and have them tell me shit and I could do the same. I would like that freedom and lack of judgment. I would like to accept someone and have them accept me. All of me which is the hard part. I keep so many parts of me protected from people, it's hard for me to ever feel accepted. At the same time if want to be accepted, I have to be more accepting of other people. I wonder if I am up for that challenge.
In some ways I feel more closed off and protective than I have ever been. I am very cautious of people who in the past I would have been drawn to because of their oddness. I am not sure if this is a good, neutral, or bad thing. I wonder how I find someone who accepts all of me, can I accept all of that person. I have always in the past said very disparaging things about people I have liked because I have felt unworthy so surely they would have to be flawed if I saw something good in them. I know this is heinously twisted logic. I'd really like to let my guard down and appreciate all of someone and let them do the same for me.
In the meantime I need to note down some silly segmented thoughts that I haven't had the outlet to share with anyone with out sounding like a nutter.
1. I am really enjoying the graffiti on the north shore line, there are some really talented taggers out there its really pretty and making my train journeys home that little bit more enjoyable.
2. I am totally jealous of my father he got called for jury duty. He has to get out of it which seems to be a challenge. I think if he plays up the yankee accent he should be fine. He is really worried because the fine is something astronomical and he can't get out of work because he runs his own business.
3. I wanted to comment on the strange way in which I have taken to thinking in dot points, or text message sized parcels of information. I wonder if it is the influence of things like facebook and texting, or whether I have always thought in such small clunky chunks.