Differentiated
Oddly enough I had to cut off matt last night. It is a good thing. I feel really hurt. I hate leaving people behind. Its not something I am good at. I don't know what to do when he contacts me next. I am angry enough that I would like to tell him to get fucked. But I know that will achieve nothing. I just am letting it go. He is dead to me. I wish we could still be friends but he wants to push my buttons or disregard my emotions then I need to protect myself and to do that I need to cut him out. I really don't like doing this but I have to come to terms with it.
I think I need to stay away from guys for a while. Focus on me and things that I like. Things that aren't people. Some how my love of the oddities of people turned into a devotion to odd people. I want to nurture my interests in engineering, and start knitting again. I might try to go to more gigs by myself so that I don't have to worry about other people. Music is really cathartic to me. I need to remember I haven't left behind a hole that needs filling. I just need look and see what is already in me and accept it. (sorry i sound a bit too oprah for my own liking)
At the moment though I am hurting alot. He is just a person and this is just shame and saddness. I am not alone. But even if I was I must remember I can look after myself. I don't like being driven away but I will deal with it and forget about him.
I think I need to stay away from guys for a while. Focus on me and things that I like. Things that aren't people. Some how my love of the oddities of people turned into a devotion to odd people. I want to nurture my interests in engineering, and start knitting again. I might try to go to more gigs by myself so that I don't have to worry about other people. Music is really cathartic to me. I need to remember I haven't left behind a hole that needs filling. I just need look and see what is already in me and accept it. (sorry i sound a bit too oprah for my own liking)
At the moment though I am hurting alot. He is just a person and this is just shame and saddness. I am not alone. But even if I was I must remember I can look after myself. I don't like being driven away but I will deal with it and forget about him.