where do i begin?
Gosh it’s been so long since I’ve typed in an entry. But this will hopefully take a load of my chest.
I feel so lost right now. At the moment I know what I want to do. Yet I’m so afraid to just take that complete leap of faith. "What if I fail? What if I can’t do it? What if it wasn’t the right thing to do?" taking that one Tuesday to talk it out with numerous people offered minimal but useful help. Everything just seemed to point back to the fact that I had to make this decision on my own. No more relying on others to help me make a decision. Whets really holding me back? My father? With his dreams for me to be a flight attendant like he is? I don't know. Yes when I was younger I definitely had the dream plenty of other girls had, to be an SIA Stewardess with all its glorified privileges. But I’m seriously just facing the facts... they don’t accept girls whom are not the stereotypical skinny type. Heck... you could have the face of a punched out cow but the gorgeous body of a Victoria secrets model and still be accepted in the program. Which then brings me back to me? How could I possibly hold the on the idea... or in my case... illusion that I would be accepted? But how do I break it to my dad?
Somehow I know what I want to do. But do I really cut myself enough slack? Cause all that keeps bothering me is the fact that I’d just give up and fail halfway. Sigh. But I feel different somehow. I admit. I taking up the job at Jean Yip was a very rash and "easy-way-out" solution. I just was lazy to go and source out and make the effort to find out all I could for childcare related jobs or studies. And now I’m stuck in a 2.5yrs bond and payment is my only way out. I honestly never assumed that it be THIS bad. But I won’t go into the whole thing because I reckon my fingers will fall off soon after. ^^ Anyways all I can say is... out of the THREE main criteria’s (Time, People & Money), I hate them all. Time because honestly I don’t have a life anymore. And even while working, threes no sense of any accomplishment or fulfilment. Then there’s Money. At the time I just thought, "Hey I'm being paid to learn now so wth!” But when I actually calculate everything out I’m only getting 560 after CPF cut. Then there’s the makan and makaning at jurong point is no cheap thing. Even with commission it really doesn’t help all that much. And last but definitely not the least. PEOPLE. Being surrounded by (majority Buddhist) colleagues it’s very hard to see eye-to-eye. Especially when they don’t respect my religion. Also my morals are very different from theirs, culture too. I mean I am open and liberal... but that pales in comparison to them. Seriously! If I got a dollar for every lewd comment that was passed by any of them throughout my 4mths working there I’d probably be drowning in money. I also have really low tolerance for dishonesty. Its one thing to know that a person is not earning commission but its another thing to get them to do all the work for you then behind your back not write your name to give you the credit which is supposed to be for service commission as well. I don’t know. I knew I’d meet all kinds in the working world. And I always thought that I had experienced whatever it was. But nothing would have prepared me for working in this kind of place. I mean I know everything happens for a reason and I accept that. And I am grateful, because in coming to work in a place like that I’ve learnt very useful life and work skills. Like how to deal with different people and how to react to others. But then it brings me back to point. I know I have to quit and get out of that place. Cause frankly it isn’t exactly doing wonders for my health either. In a matter of 4mths I had to visit the polyclinic almost 6 or more times all for the same problem. So then I ask myself, “Why am I so afraid to just drop everything?” well for one I’m scared that I’d have no back up plan. What if I can’t secure another job outside? I don’t want to be idle and wasting time like I have been for the past 20years. I want to finally do something with my life. And I’m thinking I already have my plan. I know what I want. So what is this nagging feeling within me? I wish my father was home sooner. But I also want to have a solid proposal to present to him. I’m so sick of myself. I can understand why my dad has become so sceptical of me whenever I tell him “Pa I want to quit. I don’t want to do this anymore!” up till now I’ve never really stuck to anything I’ve said. I always just gave him the ideas and hoped he’d have the solutions for me. So this time I’m not going to wait. I’m going to pluck up my courage and strive for what I want for MYSELF, and not anyone else! I just need to now find that tree to pluck my courage from! -.-“ I really pray that this all works out. I pray the Lord won’t abandon me like I’ve always felt he had.
This coming Tuesday I’ll be attending a Childcare School and sitting in. The principle who happens to be friends with Fr John Wong (whom helped me with all the contacts and setting me on the right path (: ) graciously allowed me to spend the day there and even try taking on a story telling sessions with the 3yr old class. Really looking forward to it. But to say I’m not scared would be a complete lie! We’ll see how it goes!
A BIG THANK YOU to JERRICK, STEPHANIE, AUNTY AGATHA and most of all CHARLENE and FR JOHN WONG. Thank you for your patience in listening to me and giving me the guidance I needed as well as helping me to see, accept and improve on my flaws. God Bless all of you! (:
I feel so lost right now. At the moment I know what I want to do. Yet I’m so afraid to just take that complete leap of faith. "What if I fail? What if I can’t do it? What if it wasn’t the right thing to do?" taking that one Tuesday to talk it out with numerous people offered minimal but useful help. Everything just seemed to point back to the fact that I had to make this decision on my own. No more relying on others to help me make a decision. Whets really holding me back? My father? With his dreams for me to be a flight attendant like he is? I don't know. Yes when I was younger I definitely had the dream plenty of other girls had, to be an SIA Stewardess with all its glorified privileges. But I’m seriously just facing the facts... they don’t accept girls whom are not the stereotypical skinny type. Heck... you could have the face of a punched out cow but the gorgeous body of a Victoria secrets model and still be accepted in the program. Which then brings me back to me? How could I possibly hold the on the idea... or in my case... illusion that I would be accepted? But how do I break it to my dad?
Somehow I know what I want to do. But do I really cut myself enough slack? Cause all that keeps bothering me is the fact that I’d just give up and fail halfway. Sigh. But I feel different somehow. I admit. I taking up the job at Jean Yip was a very rash and "easy-way-out" solution. I just was lazy to go and source out and make the effort to find out all I could for childcare related jobs or studies. And now I’m stuck in a 2.5yrs bond and payment is my only way out. I honestly never assumed that it be THIS bad. But I won’t go into the whole thing because I reckon my fingers will fall off soon after. ^^ Anyways all I can say is... out of the THREE main criteria’s (Time, People & Money), I hate them all. Time because honestly I don’t have a life anymore. And even while working, threes no sense of any accomplishment or fulfilment. Then there’s Money. At the time I just thought, "Hey I'm being paid to learn now so wth!” But when I actually calculate everything out I’m only getting 560 after CPF cut. Then there’s the makan and makaning at jurong point is no cheap thing. Even with commission it really doesn’t help all that much. And last but definitely not the least. PEOPLE. Being surrounded by (majority Buddhist) colleagues it’s very hard to see eye-to-eye. Especially when they don’t respect my religion. Also my morals are very different from theirs, culture too. I mean I am open and liberal... but that pales in comparison to them. Seriously! If I got a dollar for every lewd comment that was passed by any of them throughout my 4mths working there I’d probably be drowning in money. I also have really low tolerance for dishonesty. Its one thing to know that a person is not earning commission but its another thing to get them to do all the work for you then behind your back not write your name to give you the credit which is supposed to be for service commission as well. I don’t know. I knew I’d meet all kinds in the working world. And I always thought that I had experienced whatever it was. But nothing would have prepared me for working in this kind of place. I mean I know everything happens for a reason and I accept that. And I am grateful, because in coming to work in a place like that I’ve learnt very useful life and work skills. Like how to deal with different people and how to react to others. But then it brings me back to point. I know I have to quit and get out of that place. Cause frankly it isn’t exactly doing wonders for my health either. In a matter of 4mths I had to visit the polyclinic almost 6 or more times all for the same problem. So then I ask myself, “Why am I so afraid to just drop everything?” well for one I’m scared that I’d have no back up plan. What if I can’t secure another job outside? I don’t want to be idle and wasting time like I have been for the past 20years. I want to finally do something with my life. And I’m thinking I already have my plan. I know what I want. So what is this nagging feeling within me? I wish my father was home sooner. But I also want to have a solid proposal to present to him. I’m so sick of myself. I can understand why my dad has become so sceptical of me whenever I tell him “Pa I want to quit. I don’t want to do this anymore!” up till now I’ve never really stuck to anything I’ve said. I always just gave him the ideas and hoped he’d have the solutions for me. So this time I’m not going to wait. I’m going to pluck up my courage and strive for what I want for MYSELF, and not anyone else! I just need to now find that tree to pluck my courage from! -.-“ I really pray that this all works out. I pray the Lord won’t abandon me like I’ve always felt he had.
This coming Tuesday I’ll be attending a Childcare School and sitting in. The principle who happens to be friends with Fr John Wong (whom helped me with all the contacts and setting me on the right path (: ) graciously allowed me to spend the day there and even try taking on a story telling sessions with the 3yr old class. Really looking forward to it. But to say I’m not scared would be a complete lie! We’ll see how it goes!
A BIG THANK YOU to JERRICK, STEPHANIE, AUNTY AGATHA and most of all CHARLENE and FR JOHN WONG. Thank you for your patience in listening to me and giving me the guidance I needed as well as helping me to see, accept and improve on my flaws. God Bless all of you! (: