[Kandel]
by hostilecrayon
Himerus and Eros
Part I: Lust a Prima Vista
Waya wasn't stupid, nor was he blind. He knew from the beginning that Shindou had an interest in Touya that transcended all things sane and rational. So when Shindou started casting appraising glances in Waya's direction, he should have ignored him. Instead, when they found themselves putting their shoes on alone, the last to leave for the day, Waya pinned him against the wall and stuck his tongue down his throat.
It didn't have to be a big deal; they could just experiment for a while, and if Touya ever opened his eyes and saw what was right in front of him, well, Shindou could ride off into the proverbial sunset with him, no harm no foul.
And that's how Waya came to be sort-of-but-not-really-dating his best friend.
It started out innocently enough - a few stolen kisses here and there in between their usual insei schedule. Nothing changed between them, and Waya liked it that way. It wasn't until after the Hokuto Cup that Shindou changed everything.
Waya was asleep when the knock came at his door. He tried to ignore it, but it steadily increased in volume until Waya started to worry about the noise waking the neighbors, and he cracked open bleary eyes and glared at the clock. 2:43 glared back at him.
There was another loud knock.
"I'm coming!" Waya yelled, groaning loudly as he crawled out of his futon. The peephole proved it was Shindou on the other side. "I swear to God, if this isn't a matter of life or death, I'll make it one."
Then Shindou launched himself at Waya, his hands wandering everywhere at once, kissing him like his life really did depend on it. Waya almost lost himself to it, but he managed to pull back long enough to say, "I have neighbors!" He closed the door and Shindou pinned him against it, biting Waya's neck and kneeding at his ass with a desperation Waya hadn't seen in him before.
"Are you okay?" Waya moaned, and Shindou bit his shoulder in response. "Not that I'm complaining or anything, but seriously, what the hell is going on?"
"Frustrated," Hikaru growled, his fingers fumbling with the button on Waya's cargo pants he hadn't bothered to take off before bed.
Ah. Frustrated he lost. Probably frustrated he couldn't do this with Touya, the ignorant ass.
Shindou finally managed to free him from his pants, and they pooled around his ankles as Shindou dropped to his knees and started blowing him. Waya fisted his hands in Shindou's hair, tugging lightly like Waya knows he likes.
Shindou was good at this, and Waya watched his head bob back and forth before letting his own head thunk back against the door and closing his eyes.
He felt something slip between his legs and his eyes shot open. "Shindou?"
"Let me?" Shindou replied, his voice huskier than should be possible, and Waya took a deep breath. They'd never done that before. It had always been fast handjobs and blowjobs. They'd just been fooling around until now.
Waya let out his breath slowly and nodded.
Shindou's mouth engulfed him again, one hand stroking his balls and the other slipping a slick finger inside him. Shindou stretched him with one finger, and then two before standing up and dropping his pants. He must have brought lube with him because he was slathering it on his suddenly condom-clad cock and pulling one of Waya's legs up out of his tangled pants, and then he was pushing inside him, pressing him against the door with a growl low in his throat as he filled Waya in a way that made him see stars.
Shindou was still wearing his shirt and their feet were caught in their pants and Waya didn't care, he just wanted Shindou to hurry up and move already. He bucked his hips and groaned in frustration, and Shindou took the hint, skipping slow and steady and moving straight to trying to fuck him through the door.
Waya's head was knocking against the wood and his fingers were clawing at Shindou's arms and he couldn't believe they hadn't done this before because it felt so much better than a handjob, seriously.
Waya knew he was going to come only seconds before he actually did, spots flashing before his eyes and the heat pooled in his belly exploding out of him with a strangled cry, but Shindou wasn't finished yet, and he pounded into Waya who could do little more than cling to Shindou and ride the residual waves of the most powerful orgasm he'd ever had.
He thought Shindou would never come - how much did he have to wack off to have that much stamina? - and Waya was half hard again and feeling like he might pass out from sensory overload when finally Shindou jerked and shuttered, thrusting erratically until he was fully spent.
Shindou leaned into him and Waya slid down the door to the floor, taking Shindou with him to sit on their half-removed clothes and just focused on breathing for a minute.
"Holy shit," Shindou said shakily, and Waya laughed.
"You're telling me."
When they'd finally caught their breath, they broke apart, trying to sort out their clothes and decide what was salvageable and what had to be washed before it could be worn again. Shindou's shirt was a total loss, having taken the brunt of Waya's orgasm, so he took it off, tossing it in the corner. Shindou bent down to pull up his pants as Waya untwisted his own, and as he removed the condom and tucked away the cock he'd just used to fuck Waya silly, he said, as casually as possible, "What if Touya never figures it out?"
Waya stared at his pants, tugging them on half-heartedly. "Then he's an even bigger idiot than I thought he was. It'll be some kind of record or something."
Shindou held out a hand and pulled Waya to his feet so he could get his pants up over his ass. "No, I mean, what do I do? I've been chasing him for years. I don't know how to do anything else."
Waya looked at the man he'd just given his virginity to and said the words that changed everything.
"You could always be with me."
---
After that night, things got complicated.
It's not like they'd come to any real conclusions or anything. Shindou had just smiled softly and said, "That might be nice," and passed out on his couch.
Not exactly a declaration of commitment.
It's not until Waya sees Shindou with Touya that he realizes just how complicated things had become.
They were at a Go event, the three of them sitting together, Shindou in the middle, playing shidougo with the public. It wasn't a big deal at first - they were much too busy for cross-talk - but as the day wound down and the crowd thinned, it didn't take a rocket scientist to see that Shindou couldn't take his eyes off of Touya.
"You wanna play a game after this?" Shindou asked Touya, and Waya snorted.
"We've been playing all day. Don't you want to eat?"
"Yeah! Hey Touya, want to play a game at the Ramen shop?"
"No ramen," Waya and Touya said at the same time, and Waya glared. Not that Touya noticed, being too busy studying his 'eternal rival's' face.
It made Waya feel sick to his stomach.
"I'd be happy to play with you at a more suitable restaurant, Shindou." Then, as an afterthought, Touya added, "You as well, Waya-san."
"Uh, no thanks. You guys go ahead. I'll get something here."
"Okay," Shindou said, "I'll meet up with you later."
Waya watched them walk out side by side, Shindou laughing and smiling and leaning just a little too far into Touya's personal space.
"You can't keep doing this to yourself," Isumi said softly, and Waya jumped.
"Doing what, exactly?"
"I think you know." He set a take-out container and a styrofoam cup in front of Waya. "And take better care of yourself. You're losing weight."
"It's no big deal. I've just been a little more active than usual." Isumi frowned softly, but didn't comment. "Thanks though. For the food, and stuff."
"Anytime. And I mean that. Anytime you need anything, call."
Isumi left him with his food, and Waya wondered if he was really that damn obvious.
---
Waya was still in the lobby when Shindou got back. He watched them through the glass, Touya flushing at something Shindou said before they entered.
"Waya!" Shindou called out unnecessarily.
"I'll see you in the morning, Shindou. Waya-san." Touya dipped his head politely and walked away.
Shindou stared until Touya disappeared around the corner.
"So, how was your dinner with lover boy, huh?" Waya said snidely.
"Shut up. It's not like that." Shindou scowled.
"Not for lack of trying. If you stared any harder, you'd burn a hole through him."
Shindou shot him a scathing look. Then he sighed. "Yeah, well, obviously the feeling isn't mutual, so what does it matter?"
Waya snorted. The only obvious thing here was that Shindou was as oblivious as Touya. Not that he was going to tell him that. "Whatever. I don't know what you see in that guy, anyway."
Shindou shook his head. "Can I stay with you tonight?"
"Sure."
Ten minutes later, Waya was bent over the bed breathing like an asthmatic without an inhaler.
Shindou always fucked him the hardest on the days he spent with Touya.
---
When Waya woke up, Shindou was already gone. He didn't have to wonder where he went - he knew he was with the New Wave's golden boy, making moony eyes at him that were completely lost on someone with the social skills of a sea slug.
He got up, stretching overworked muscles and wincing a little. He was sorer than usual - they'd gone three rounds before Shindou was satisfied, and he traced the fresh welts from where Shindou had dug his fingers in a little too hard, picking him almost bodily up off the floor to slam Waya back onto his cock over and over again in a way that was almost painful. Waya was half hard just thinking about it.
He decided the world could wait a little longer for his appearance and hopped into the shower. The event was pretty much over anyway, and it's not like anyone was waiting for him. The warm water felt good on his muscles, but he hissed when it hit the scratches from Shindou's blunt nails. At least he'd left a few matching ones on Shindou.
He let the memories of the night before wash over him and tried to forget that it was probably Touya Shindou was imagining when he was fucking him as he wrapped his Go callused hand around his erection and pumped himself roughly, like Shindou would, until he came hard on the shower door with an embarrassing moan.
A few minutes later, he made his way to the lobby to find only Isumi was there.
"I've been waiting for you," Isumi said with a smile. "You sure took your time."
"Sorry, I didn't think anyone would be waiting... I was taking a shower." Isumi levelled a gaze at him that made him feel like Isumi knew that wasn't the whole story, and Waya bit his lip. "So where is everyone?"
Sightseeing. I wanted to go with you, so I stayed behind."
"You did?" Waya said, dumbfounded.
"You mentioned wanting to see the memorial shrine here a while back, and I was thinking we could go together and have lunch there."
"Uh, yeah, that sounds great. I can't believe you remember that, though." Waya rubbed the back of his neck. He felt stupid; the guy he was sleeping with - well, having sex with, since Shindou never slept in the same bed with him after - had left without him while Isumi had not only waited for him but planned an outing based on a throw-away comment he'd made months ago.
He was pretty sure that spoke volumes on the state of his relationship with Shindou, but he didn't want to think too hard about what that was, exactly.
They walked along in a comfortable silence, a nice change from Shindou's constant babbling. Ironically, the only time Shindou was silent was in bed. Waya snorted.
"Thinking about something funny?" Isumi asked, spreading out the blanket he'd brought for them to sit on.
"Not exactly."
Isumi was quiet as he distributed the styrofoam containers, and he took a few bites of his food before saying, "You know, this thing you have with Shindou is killing you."
Waya stared at him with wide eyes. "What do you mean?"
"I've known you a long time. We might not be as close as we used to be, but I see the way you look at Shindou. And I know you can see that he's too busy looking at Touya to see it," he said softly.
Waya looked away. "Does everybody know?"
"I can't speak for the others, but I've seen him sneaking out of your room in the wee hours of the morning every time we travel for events." Isumi gave him a sidelong glance, his expression unreadable.
Waya wanted to deny it, and even opened his mouth to do so, but all that came out was a resigned, "Yeah."
"I don't claim to know exactly what is happening between you two, but you have to know that he's using you."
"It's not like that!" Waya denied. "It's a mutual agreement."
"Is it?" Isumi asked, clearly of a different opinion.
"He never lied to me or anything. I knew exactly what I was getting myself into."
"Maybe. But something changed for you that didn't for him, and if you're not careful, it's going to destroy you."
Waya scrubbed a hand over his face. "Look, I appreciate your concern, I really do, but I can handle it."
Isumi sighed. "I hope so."
The rest of the afternoon was much less comfortable than before.
As soon as they got back, Waya waited for something to distract Shindou from the Shindou magnet, and as soon as one of the event organizers came over to ask him for one final favor, Waya cornered Touya.
"Waya-san." Touya greeted neutrally.
"Shut up." Touya's eyes widened, but he did as he was told, probably more out of shock than anything.
"Between you and Shindou, I'm not sure who the bigger idiot is. No, I take that back. It's definitely you."
Touya's eyes narrowed, some of that inflated ego coming back to him as the shock faded. "Who do you think you are?"
"I think I'm the one getting the raw end of the deal here, that's who. I shouldn't have to spell it out for you, and I won't. But if you don't get your head out of your ass soon, it'll be too fucking late, because I'm here, and I'm willing, and I'm not going to live in your shadow forever. Figure it out, or don't. Whatever. One of these days, he's going to get tired of waiting, and when he does, you'll realize just how big of a fucking idiot you are. Genius my ass."
Touya made some kind of movement, either to stop him or maybe punch him in the face, but Waya was already halfway across the room, resolutely not looking at Shindou or Isumi, both of whom stared at him as he stalked out of the room.
That night was the first night since this whole thing started that Waya refused to open the door for Shindou; not even when he knocked so loud the hotel personnel asked him to either be quiet or leave.
Waya listened to him go and spent the rest of the night staring into the dark.
---
"Open up, Waya."
Shindou had been sitting on the front step of Waya's apartment for a half an hour. Waya was trying to will him away, but it wasn't working.
"Come on, you're my best friend."
Waya snorted. "Are you in the habit of sleeping with your best friends?"
"Well, since you're my only best friend, I guess I am."
It sounded like Shindou was leaning against the door, so Waya did the same on the other side. "Just go away, Shindou."
"I don't have any games for two days. I'm not going anywhere until you let me in."
"I guess it's going to be a long couple of days, then."
He felt more than heard Shindou lean his head back against the door. "What do you want, Shindou?"
"I don't know what's going on anymore. I thought I had it all figured out, but now..."
"Had it all figured out? You?" Waya laughed. "You couldn't find your way out of a paper bag if you had a map."
"I'm being serious here, Waya."
"So am I."
"I don't know what you said to Touya but he's been acting really weird and he's not returning my phone calls, and you won't even let me in. It's all a big mess."
"I suppose you think this is all my fault, too."
Waya thought he could hear a sigh through the door. "As easy as it would be to blame you, this is my fault. I guess it's kinda always been my fault." He sounded like he'd just lost the most important game in his life; like he did when he'd quit Go, and Waya scrubbed a hand over his face, kind of wishing he'd never answered Shindou in the first place.
"I was the one who kissed you first if I remember correctly."
Shindou said nothing, and with a monstrous sigh, Waya got up and opened the door, causing Shindou to fall flat on his back. Waya stared down at him. "Come on, get up so I can close the door. I think we've given my neighbors enough to talk about today."
When Shindou didn't immediately get up, Waya rolled his eyes and held out his hand. Shindou reluctantly took it, and Waya hauled him up and inside so he could at least close the damn door.
Once he had Shindou on the couch, he took a moment to really look at him. He looked like shit. His hair was wild and a little greasy, his eyes looked bruised from lack of sleep and he was hunched in on himself, not meeting Waya's eyes. He looked lost.
Waya knew a little bit about how it felt to be lost.
"Look, this can wait. Why don't you take a shower and get some sleep? We can sort this shit out in the morning."
Shindou just stared at the carpet. "I didn't mean to hurt you, you know."
"Yeah, I know. That's why I haven't punched you in the face. I knew the deal. I just ended up wanting more, I guess. Now go take a shower before you stink up my couch."
Waya sat, listening to the sound of the running water and trying not to think about anything.
When Shindou returned, dripping wet in only his pants, Waya got up to get a blanket. He threw it on Shindou, who was just sitting there staring at the ground, and told him to get some sleep before retiring to his futon.
Thirty minutes later, Shindou was standing over him, looking at him through his bangs with hollow eyes.
"Make love to me."
And what could he say to that? He pulled him down onto the futon with him and just went with it.
It was the first time Waya had done this, but he just mimicked what Shindou would do, kissing him as he stretched him open, nipping at his bottom lip and sucking at his neck. Their rule was no marks above the shirtline, but Waya didn't care; he was making Shindou his, and screw what anyone thought of that.
Then he pulled Shindou's legs up to hook over his shoulders and proceeded to fuck him into the matress. Shindou bucked and flailed and cried out, Waya's name on his lips, and something exploded in his chest as he emptied himself in Shindou, collapsing on him to keep him from leaving. But Shindou seemed content to just lay there, his face pressed against Waya's, staring off into space.
So much for sorting things out in the morning.
Waya rolled off of Shindou, and Shindou moved to lay with him, pressing his warm body to Waya's, an arm slung over him and his head on his chest. "I don't know if I can let him go, but I think maybe I should."
Waya grunted, thinking they really needed to stop talking about Touya after sex, and curled his arm possessively around Shindou. "Try to get some sleep."
As Shindou drifted off to sleep, Waya couldn't help but think that the only possible way this could end is badly.
---
They never did talk about it after that, but with Touya avoiding Shindou, he was spending all of his free time with Waya, and Waya thought that just maybe that could be enough for him.
Touya might have been avoiding Shindou so much because he'd seen the hickey Waya had left on him, but he was okay with that. If he couldn't get it together, he didn't deserve to have Shindou, anyway.
"I don't want to wait anymore," Shindou said one night after a particularly vigorous round of sex.
"So don't," Waya said simply, and Shindou weaved their fingers together. It felt like the most intimate gesture they'd ever shared. Waya smiled.
At some god-awful hour of the morning, Shindou's cell started to ring. Waya ignored it, but then it rang again and again, and finally Waya picked it up and looked at the display as Shindou snored softly.
It was Touya.
Waya flipped it open.
"Shindou? Are you there? We need to talk."
"You're too late," Waya hissed, and flipped the phone closed again.
He looked down at Shindou's sleeping face and knew his days were numbered.
Shindou's eyes fluttered open.
"Hey."
"Hey."
"...Touya called."
Shindou blinked owlishly up at him before rolling onto his back to stare up at the ceiling. "What did he want?"
"I didn't ask."
"Oh."
"Are you going to call him back?"
"...No."
"You want some breakfast? I could order something."
Shindou shook his head, tugging on Waya's arm and pulling him down. "Just... lay with me for a while?"
"Yeah, sure." Shindou wrapped himself around Waya like a man drowning, and Waya felt like he just might drown with him.
If there were unshed tears in Shindou's eyes, well, he pretended not to see them through his own.
---
It wasn't long before Touya cornered Shindou. Waya wasn't surprised; not really. He was surprised when things between them continued as usual, though. He wasn't sure what was said, and he didn't really want to know. Shindou resumed his weekly games with Touya and still came over to fuck him into oblivion afterwards, and that was all the information he needed.
Still, Waya couldn't help but watch closely when they were together.
At the awards ceremony that year, Touya was once again receiving some award to stroke his already massive ego, and Waya would have just not gone if it wasn't expected of him. Instead, he was standing next to Shindou, watching as he tried not to stare at Touya.
Touya walked up to the podium to accept his award, his gaze locked on Shindou, and in a moment of daring, Waya slipped his hand into Shindou's. Shock washed over Touya's face, but Waya was more interested in Shindou's reaction.
Shindou bit his lip, looked from their joined hands to Waya with an unreadable expression and looked back at Touya. He shifted uncomfortably, but didn't take his hand back, and Waya held on tight, not letting go until Touya had left the podium. He could feel Touya's calculating gaze from across the room and Waya locked eyes with him.
Touya looked away first, bolting from the room. Shindou's mouth opened and he twitched like he might call out to him or chase him down or something, but he didn't, a dark cloud taking up residence on his face as he turned back towards the front.
He caught Isumi's disapproving look, but he didn't want to deal with it just then, and he tugged the brooding Shindou out of the room and down the never-used steps, pressing him against the wall to kiss him silly.
Shindou kissed back desperately, and Waya let his hands roam, snaking one down into Shindou's pants to grasp at his half-hard cock, stroking it to full mast right there between floors, scraping his teeth down Shindou's neck as Shindou bucked against him, fucking Waya's hand like a man at the end of his rope.
There was a gasp that didn't belong, and they both turned to look at the unwitting voyeur. Touya, his eyes puffy and red, was staring with wide eyed shock. "I-I'm sorry, I just-" his voice broke and he fled.
"Touya!" Shindou yelled, but Waya pushed him against the wall, hard.
"You're mine now, damn it. You can't just go running off after Touya every time he realizes he fucked up."
"I know." Shindou stared at the spot where Touya had been and Waya sighed, moving to take his hand out of Shindou's pants. "No, don't stop," he pleaded, his eyes dark and distant.
Waya jerked him off hard and fast, pulling Shindou back into the here and now with Waya. Shindou's sharp cry echoed through the stairwell, and Waya took back his hand, wiping it unceremoniously on his pants.
Shindou's hands fluttered towards Waya's waist. "Do you want-"
"No. Let's just go, okay?"
Shindou glanced at the spot where Touya had been and said, "Yeah."
At the top of the stairs, Isumi looked at Waya knowingly, and Waya took Shindou's hand defiantly, leading a docile Shindou out of that cursed building and back to his place where there were no Touyas or Isumis to make Waya want to sink through the floor.
---
It happened a week later. Waya had gone to the Go Institute to watch Isumi's game with Ashiwara, and as the match hall emptied and he walked to the elevator, he heard it. It was low and sensual, and there was no mistaking it.
"Tou... ya..."
Waya stopped dead. Isumi's hand came down on his shoulder, but he broke away, throwing open the closest door, and his heart dropped out of his chest.
There was Shindou, eyes glazed over, head thrown back, his hands bracing himself on the table behind him, his fly open but his pants on like he couldn't even stop to pull them down. And kneeling in front of him was Touya, his tongue wrapped around the cock that had fucked Waya the night before.
"I can see I'm interrupting," he said darkly, turning and taking long strides towards the elevator.
Shindou practically knocked Touya over, everyone staring as he ran after Waya, zipping his pants as he went. "Waya, wait!"
Time skipped, and suddenly Shindou was staring up at him from the ground, his eyes wide and watering. Waya's right hand was on the left side of his body, his knuckles and eyes stinging. Touya was peering down the hallway, looking like he might want to gather Shindou up but knowing better. Everyone from the match hall had come out to see what the commotion was about.
You could hear a pin drop.
"You know what, fuck it. You're not worth it."
He punched the elevator button harshly, willing the doors to open.
"You two are a couple of real assholes, you know that?" It was Isumi's voice, low and dark like Waya had never heard it before, and then the doors opened and Isumi was sliding into behind him and pressing the close door button.
"Feel better?"
"No."
"You guys definitely gave the institute something to talk about."
Waya snorted.
"Want to come back to my place? I'll make food and we can watch cheesy b-movies."
"Thanks, but I kinda want to be alone right now."
"It's an open offer, if you change your mind."
"Thanks."
The doors slid open and Waya fled.
---
Outside of his games, Waya stayed home. Shindou didn't come by to try to explain himself, and Waya wasn't sure if it was because he was afraid to or if he was just too busy making up for lost time with Touya. Not that it mattered. Waya could still hear the emotion in Shindou's voice when he'd said Touya's name.
It was something he'd never heard when Shindou had been with him.
Fucking Shindou. He should have never gotten involved with him in the first place. And now Touya had something else to feed his disgusting ego. In the end, he got everything and left Waya with nothing.
He sees them in his mind, fitting together perfectly in a way that leaves no room for him, and he hates them for it. He kinda regrets hitting Shindou in the same way that he regrets not hitting Touya.
He saw Shindou for the first time at an Ootei match. They were seated a few rows apart, but it wasn't too far to see his split lip, which was still swollen and red even eight days later. Shindou kept stealing glances at him, and it throws Waya off. In the end, they both lose to opponents that should have been easy prey.
Shindou was standing next to the door, looking like he couldn't decide if he should wait or just run the hell away. Waya wasn't going to just stand around in the game room hoping he would go away, so with an inward sigh, he strode towards the door with every intention of walking right by Shindou without a word.
He made it to the hallway before Shindou found the guts to call out to him. "Waya!" He approached him, but this time he left a moderate amount of space between them. "Waya, I-"
"Where's your boyfriend?" Waya cut in smoothly.
"What?"
"I said, where's Touya?"
"...I'm not seeing Touya."
For some reason, that made Waya angrier. "Why the fuck not? You were more than willing to fuck his mouth right here in the Go Institute. Is that all you want? A warm hole for your dick?"
Shindou turned red. "I wanted to sort things out with you."
"Things are as sorted as they're going to get, Shindou. You two fucking deserve each other."
"That's not-"
"What, Shindou? That's not what? Fair? Let me tell you a little something about fair. I have a picture of you with your cock in Touya's mouth burned eternally into my mind. How's that for fair?"
Shindou couldn't meet his eyes and instead stared at the floor. "I'm sorry. I want to fix it, but I don't know how. You're my best friend, Waya."
"I was your best friend." Waya turned to leave, and Shindou tried to stop him with a hand on his arm. Waya ripped it viciously from his grasp. "Don't fucking touch me. You don't have that right anymore."
"Waya, please, I'm sorry, I-"
"I hate you, Shindou."
Tears gathered in Shindou's eyes and Waya walked away before he could see them fall.
Even after everything, he didn't want to see Shindou cry.
---
Waya couldn't just hide out in his apartment forever, so eventually he cleaned up the mountains of take-out containers and started actually going out for things again. He still wasn't seeing anyone - he had no desire to spend any time with people - but he was picking things up instead of getting them delivered, and he finally went to his mom's to do his laundry. Which was a good thing; he was starting to smell.
He played a few low pressure games of Go at a random Go Salon, and it helped calm his nerves a bit, which seemed to be permanently frayed.
He avoided his usual places and just stuck to the outskirts of the city where he didn't know anyone, which is why it blindsided him so badly when he saw them.
They were standing outside of a shop, looking in the window and contemplating going in. Touya had his arm linked with Shindou's, and they were both smiling softly. They were beautiful, like there was no other possible outcome that didn't involve one with the other. They looked right together, and Waya almost lost his lunch right there on the sidewalk.
They went inside, too wrapped up in each other to even notice he was there. He really had never had a chance.
He pulled out his cell phone right then and there, his mouth dry and his stomach in knots.
"Isumi? Is your offer still good? ...I could really use a friend right now."
Isumi didn't ask any questions; just quietly made popcorn and popped in some epic alien B-movie and sat down on the couch. Isumi laughed for Waya at all the bad special effects, and somehow by the end of the movie, Waya was leaning against Isumi and crying like he hadn't since he was a child.
Isumi held onto him through the credits and into the silence.
"It hurts so much. How could he do that to me?" he whispered, and Isumi stroked his hair and squeezed him tight when the tears turned into sobs.
Waya fisted Isumi's shirt and just let everything that he had been bottling up go. He couldn't have held it in if he tried.
Finally, he pulled back slowly, rubbing his nose and eyes and feeling seriously stupid. "I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me."
"Don't you dare apologize. You needed that, and I'm glad you felt you could come to me." Waya met his eyes and could only see a melancholy fondness there; a real concern for him with no other motives behind it. It almost made Waya cry again. "So how about we try a movie that doesn't suck so much?"
A small smile began to blossom on his face. "Yeah, I'd like that."
Isumi changed the disks and Waya leaned lightly into Isumi, feeling for the first time since everything happened that just maybe, things would be okay.
---
Part II: Aim Snap Fall
"So, what do we have planned for today?"
"I was thinking we could try out the new Smash Brothers."
Waya raised an eyebrow. "I didn't know you owned any game consoles."
Isumi shrugged. "Since you're here so often, I figured I may as well get one. I know you like them."
Waya looked at him with wide eyes. "You didn't have to do that."
Isumi smiled. "I know. I wanted to."
Waya flushed slightly. "I don't know what to say."
"Say you're going to teach me how to play, because honestly, I don't have a clue."
Waya laughed. "Sure."
And so it went that most days Waya found himself with Isumi. He'd somehow forgotten how well they got along, and though he still hurt, the smile came easier with Isumi.
"Hey, you wanna go to the movies with me? There's this new zombie flick I've been wanting to see."
"Zombies, huh?" Isumi mused. "I hope it's better than the last one I saw."
"Pfft. It has zombies. What more could you need?"
Isumi rolled his eyes. "Plot would be nice."
Waya grinned. "Plot's overrated."
"Says you."
"So, you wanna?"
"Wouldn't miss it for the world."
Isumi was like that, always willing to do whatever silly thing Waya thought up. It was fun. Comfortable. Waya felt like Isumi wanted him around just for the company. It was a good feeling.
And if he found himself looking forward to days spent with Isumi, he didn't find it strange. It just was; the natural progression of things.
It was a day like any other, the two of them watching TV on the couch, when Waya first noticed.
He felt different. Everything was the same; the same Isumi, the same inane discussion on the merits of a transporter versus the potential risks, and yet...
He wanted to be closer to Isumi.
He missed his conversational cue as butterflies took up residence inside him, and Isumi gave him a sidelong glance. "You alright?"
"Yeah. Just hungry, I think." It was the only thing he could think of on the spot, though he was pretty sure he couldn't eat if his life depended on it.
Isumi looked at the clock, and Waya tried not to stare at the way his hair fell just so across his face. What the hell was wrong with him?
"It is getting pretty late. Should I order something? We haven't had Chinese in a while."
"What? Yeah, that's fine."
"You sure you're feeling okay?"
"Yeah, I'm good."
Isumi went into the kitchen to get the number off the fridge and Waya tried not to think about how he suddenly wanted to know how Isumi's hair would feel if he threaded his fingers through it.
As the days went by, the feeling got stronger. On some days, he found it difficult to talk to Isumi without flushing slightly. On others, it was difficult to keep from sitting a little too close.
He wasn't stupid; he had a pretty good idea what was happening. He just wasn't sure what to do about it. Or if he should do anything at all.
It hadn't worked out so well for him last time. He didn't want to lose Isumi like he had Shindou.
Two months later and he still hadn't spoken to Shindou. He'd seen him at the Institute, stealing surreptitious glances at him, but Waya didn't feel ready to deal with him yet. He wasn't sure if he ever would be, really. The look of hurt on Shindou's face still made him too sad and angry for anything coherent to come out, anyway.
No, he didn't want to take that chance with Isumi. He was too important to him to risk it.
---
Waya tried, he really did, to keep an emotional distance from Isumi while still hanging out with him, but as the days went by, he felt more and more drawn to him. It didn't help that Isumi seemed to have endless amounts of time for him, or that he was always going out of his way to come up with stuff for them to do.
It was at the roller rink when his resolve went out the window.
Waya wasn't all that good at roller skating, so it was just a matter of time before he was barreling towards the wall, unable to stop. Isumi, surprisingly agile on his roller blades, came to his rescue, grabbing his hand to steer him away from his crash course and on a safer path.
Then he just never let go.
Waya looked down at their joined hands and felt a warmth spread through him. Waya tugged on Isumi's hand, making them spin, other skaters shooting him annoyed looks as they went around the new road block. They came to a stop only inches apart, Waya looking up into Isumi's smiling eyes, and with a start he realized there was a quiet longing there that he hadn't noticed before, but now that he did, he could see it in his memories of him for as far back as he could remember.
With a soft smile, Waya started moving again, pulling Isumi along with him.
"Don't let go, okay? I don't want to crash."
"I won't let you."
They skated together like that until the place closed.
---
The day Waya was dreading dawned earlier than he would have liked, but he found it was impossible to go back to sleep.
He got dressed and stood around in his apartment until the nature of the day made the memories of that place unbearable and he headed to the institute two hours early.
Isumi had a game, too, and was already there waiting for him.
"You're here early."
"I thought you might have some trouble sleeping, so I thought I'd keep you company."
Waya offered him a tentative smile. "Thanks."
"Doing okay?"
"Yeah. I mean, it's just a game, right?"
Isumi's look told him just what he thought about that.
"Yeah, okay, maybe not."
They moved into the game room, starting up a game of their own to pass the time. It was familiar and it took his mind off of the next opponent he would face. He was surprised to find it was almost time for the official matches when they entered yose.
He hadn't noticed during the game, but now he could clearly see Shindou hovering by the match board, trying for all the world to look like he was supremely interested in the match ups. Waya sighed and Isumi stood up, putting a reassuring hand on his shoulder.
Then it was coming down to the starting time, and with a squeeze, Isumi retracted his hand and moved to his own board. Shindou walked like a man on his way to the gallows, looking everywhere but at Waya. He dropped into seiza, his knuckles white from his deathgrip on his fan, and stared at the board.
Waya sighed much more forcefully this time. "You can look at me, you know. I'm not going to hit you or anything."
"You sure?" Shindou said, but he looked up anyway.
"Yeah. Though I can't say the same for Touya."
"Listen-"
Waya shook his head. "This isn't the time."
Shindou bit his lip, and Waya noticed the faint scar there. "...Will it ever be the time?"
"I don't know. Probably. It's just-"
He felt like Shindou was staring right into him. "That you hate me?"
"I don't hate you, alright? God, I'm not doing this now."
Shindou nodded, dropping his gaze to the board. The bell rang and they started their game.
The opening moves were standard and passed without any oddities. It was when they moved into chuuban that he could feel Shindou's hesitation in each hand, and Waya pushed hard against his weak stones, breaking Shindou's formations before he could make them.
He had thought this game would be difficult, but it wasn't. Before they ever got to yose, Shindou was forced to resign. Waya felt just a little smug.
Waya was about to get up to mark his win when Shindou said, "Thank you for the game. And for a whole hell of a lot more."
"Thank you for the game," Waya murmured.
By the time he'd stamped his win, Shindou was gone.
"How did it go?" Isumi asked when his game was finished.
"I won."
Isumi just looked at him.
"Not horribly, I guess."
"Are you ever going to forgive him?"
"Yeah. Maybe. I don't know."
"You have every right not to," Isumi said, but it sounded to Waya like he thought he should.
"I probably won't forgive Touya," he muttered darkly. "But Shindou..."
"Is your best friend."
"Was. Was my best friend."
The look on his face said he wasn't so sure about that, but then he slipped his hand in Waya's, right there in front of God and everybody, and Waya let himself be led out of the building, arguing the last thing on his mind.
---
"So, what is this we're doing?"
"...Playing a racing game?"
They were sitting on the couch, Waya leaning against Isumi, and he motioned to their bodies, causing his car to wreck.
"This, I mean."
Isumi set down his controller to give Waya his full attention. "What do you want it to mean?"
"Something. I want it to mean something. And not just to me."
The gaze Isumi levelled at him made his cheeks feel hot. "It does. And not just to you."
"I found out the hard way that it's important to be clear, and I want this. I really want this. But..."
"Waya." Isumi covered his hand with his. "I've wanted this for a long time. But I don't want to push you. I know that you're scared, and I'm willing to wait. Even if it never goes beyond what we have now, I'll be happy. One thing you never have to worry about is my sincerity. You had that long before this," he squeezed Waya's hand, "ever started."
The butterflies morphed into something bigger and he swallowed, his tongue sticking to the roof of his mouth. "Can I kiss you?"
Isumi inclined his head ever so slightly, and Waya brought shaking fingers up to slide across Isumi's face, the tips flirting with his hairline. He leaned in and Isumi met him halfway, gently pressing their lips together in a way that was unfamiliar to Waya. There was no haste or uncontrollable lust there, but it made his chest tight and his body tremble, and he went ahead and slipped his fingers into Isumi's hair just to feel the soft strands against his skin.
Waya ran his tongue across Isumi's lips, and Isumi let him inside, lightly caressing Waya's tongue with his own. He felt a familiar warmth spark to life in his gut, and suddenly his hands were everywhere, pulling at Isumi's shirt as he grinded against him.
"Waya..." Isumi said, and Waya trailed his teeth over Isumi's jaw line and down to his neck.
"Waya," Isumi said more forcefully this time, gently pushing him back so he could look at him.
"But I thought you wanted-"
"I do. I want this - I want you - but I think we're moving too fast. Just being here with you is enough."
Waya looked away. "I don't know any other way to show you how I feel."
"Just be here with me. If we jump right into bed, you might regret it, and I don't want you to regret anything about this."
"Isumi..."
Isumi pulled him close, and Waya just held on, feeling lost.
---
After that, there were kisses - lots of kisses - but it didn't go further than that, and Waya knew that Isumi was right, that he wasn't ready, and the fact that Isumi realized that meant more than he knew how to say.
And damn it, if he didn’t stop running into Shindou every-freaking-where, he was seriously going to break something. Preferably Touya’s face. No matter where he went, there he was, lurking in the corner, trying to look like he wasn’t looking. But he damn well was looking, and most of the time, it made Waya want to scream in frustration, or maybe track down Touya and put his size ten Vans through his skull or something equally gruesome. He was seriously starting to think Shindou was stalking him, which he totally wouldn’t put past him at all, the crazy bastard.
Sometimes though, he feels a pang of longing, because damn it, this thing with Isumi was still new and confusing, and he could really use a best friend to talk about it with. A couple of times, he even has to remind himself that he didn’t have a best friend anymore when he sees Shindou’s miserable face trying hard not to stare.
All in all, aside from the Isumi thing, Waya thought this was a pretty shitty situation to be in.
And then, and then, of all the fucking things that could have happened, the most unthinkable thing in the world came to pass.
Touya Akira actually had the balls to approach him.
“What. The fuck. Do you think. You’re doing?” Waya said, gnashing his teeth so hard, he’s kind of concerned he might break one of them.
Touya flushed a deep purple, but he didn’t back down, and Waya could feel himself involuntarily squeezing his hands into fists. Maybe he could give Touya a scar to match Shindou’s…
“Please forgive Shindou!” Touya suddenly blurted, and though it was more or less what he’d expected, the strain in his voice takes him a little by surprise.
“What I do or don’t do is no business of yours,” Waya snapped, and Touya dropped his eyes, staring at the tile in front of Waya’s feet.
“I’ve never seen him this miserable. Except…” Touya said softly, breaking off at the end there, but there was no doubt about what he was referring to.
“What the fuck do you care, anyway? This shit is pretty much all your fucking fault.”
“I know.” There was shame in his voice, and when he looked up at Waya, his eyes glinted oddly, like he might just cry. “I’m the one who pushed him to do more than he wanted that day, so forgive Shindou!”
“It doesn’t fucking matter who did what, you know. What matters is that he did it, and he fucking did it to me, and I thought he was my best god damned friend. He could have just fucking told me, and I’d have let him go. It’s not like anyone in the whole god damned world really expected that he’d end up with me instead of you.” Waya was using his hands to talk angrily, and he really had no idea why he was telling Touya any of this, except that he had kinda needed to get it off his chest for a long time, and Touya was there, forcing him to think about it, so Touya was going to listen whether he wanted to or not, because he owed him so much that if he tried for the rest of his miserable life, he’d never be able to break even.
“It just… hurts to see him in so much pain,” Touya whispered, almost to himself, and Waya just about loses it, because if Touya wants to talk about pain, he’ll fucking show him pain, and because he just wants to be upset with Shindou without thinking about what that means, and Touya was making that real damn hard just then.
Magically, he managed to keep himself from knocking Touya’s teeth out or something, and managed to bite out, “Go the fuck home, Touya.”
Touya looked like he might just be stubborn about it, but his eyes drifted to Waya’s clenched fists and thought better of it, bowing to him so deep, Waya thought his nose might just be touching the ground. “I am deeply sorry for everything.”
Waya actually cocked his fist back at that, but Touya was apparently smart enough to know to run after that, so Waya punched the wall instead. Then he kinda felt like a lunatic, since he was in a hallway at the Go Institute, and he really, really didn’t need to give anyone anything else to talk about.
---
“Why would he come talk to me? Why?”
“For the sixth time, I have no idea,” Isumi replied, trying hard to hide an amused smile.
“Don’t laugh,” Waya grumbled.
“I’m not laughing,” Isumi said with a smile. “But you’re being just a little melodramatic, don’t you think?”
“No,” Waya huffed, laying his head on Isumi’s shoulder. “I shouldn’t have to see him.”
Isumi snorted. “You work together.”
“Yeah, we should force him to quit or something.”
“You’re cute when you’re indignant.” Waya blushed, and Isumi tilted his head up gently to kiss him.
“He’s not going to go away, is he?” Waya said dejectedly once they broke.
“No, he’s not. Neither is Shindou. You’ll have to figure things out with those two eventually.” Isumi ran soothing fingers up Waya’s back. After a moment of just sitting together like that, Isumi ventured, “Is it really still that bad?”
“No. Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t really think about it like I used to. I mean, it’s not like I still want Shindou.” Waya flushed. “I… I have you.”
Isumi clutched Waya closer to him, sighing into his hair. “You do.”
Waya let out an explosive breath. “It’s more than that. You’re more than that. I… I…”
Isumi made a soothing hushing sound. “I know. It’s okay. There’s no need to explain yourself.”
Waya’s heart lurched in his chest. “I think maybe I should lie down. I’m exhausted.”
“You can use my bed.” A pause. “Did you want me to come with you?”
Waya was ready to say no, that he really just needed to rest a little, but what actually came out of his mouth was, “Yeah. I’d really like that.”
Isumi linked their hands together and led them to the bedroom, pulling back the blankets and sliding into the bed, scooting back to make room for Waya. They laid together in the middle of the bed and just held each other for a while. Waya thought he’d feel like they should be doing more, but he didn’t. He felt comfortable. Safe.
The tension bled out of Waya with each of the small circles Isumi rubbed into his back, and slowly, his breathing evened out and he fell asleep.
---
Waya closed the door behind him and tossed his keys into the bowl next to the door with Isumi’s, turning to take in the rearranged living room. Isumi was arranging a blanket of some sort when Waya realized it was part of something bigger. “Hey, when did you get a kotatsu?”
“I just got it today. It’s starting to get cold, so I figured we could use one.” Isumi was fighting with the blankets, and Waya moved in to help, bumping shoulders with him as they worked to flatten it out.
“Now all we have to do is test it out,” Waya said with a grin.
Isumi smiled back. “Yeah, I guess so.”
A flat goban was produced from a closet and perched precariously on the edge of the table portion of the kotatsu, and Waya and Isumi crawled under the blanket side by side, a goke on either side of them. It was awkward - they had to lean forward and stretch to place their stones - but it was warm and amicable, and Waya felt more at home here than he could ever remember feeling.
Home. It was a strange thought. He’d thought his little apartment was a home, but really, he’d still been living partly with his parents - doing his laundry there and grabbing meals whenever he had the chance. Being here with Isumi was different. Special, somehow. He used to look forward to going home to his own place, but now it just felt empty, like a hotel room he’d been living out of for much too long.
“We should move in together,” Waya blurted out, and Isumi’s eyes went wide. “I mean, you know, I’m always here anyway and… I just, maybe we could think about it?”
“That’s a big step,” Isumi murmured, his voice giving nothing away despite his initial shock.
“I know, you’re right, it’s too soon. Forget I said anything,” Waya mumbled, staring at the board with blank eyes and red cheeks.
Isumi shook his head. “That’s not what I meant.”
Waya turned to blink owlishly at Isumi. “What?”
Isumi’s hand cupped Waya’s cheek, and when their eyes met, the depth of the concern Waya found there was like a physical blow. “I was going to ask you if you were sure, because there is nothing I want more. I just can’t trust my own judgment on this. I want it too much.”
Waya kissed him, long and hard and full of the overwhelming feeling swelling in his chest until he had no choice but to stop to gasp for air. His mind raced, trying to put that feeling to words, but it remained elusive, swirling and raging and storming inside of him. So instead, he simply said, “Me too.”
Waya stayed over that night, clinging to Isumi right there on the floor, warmed by the kotatsu and their shared body heat.
In the morning, Waya went home to pack.
TBC in Part III: This is for Keeps
Himerus and Eros
Part I: Lust a Prima Vista
Waya wasn't stupid, nor was he blind. He knew from the beginning that Shindou had an interest in Touya that transcended all things sane and rational. So when Shindou started casting appraising glances in Waya's direction, he should have ignored him. Instead, when they found themselves putting their shoes on alone, the last to leave for the day, Waya pinned him against the wall and stuck his tongue down his throat.
It didn't have to be a big deal; they could just experiment for a while, and if Touya ever opened his eyes and saw what was right in front of him, well, Shindou could ride off into the proverbial sunset with him, no harm no foul.
And that's how Waya came to be sort-of-but-not-really-dating his best friend.
It started out innocently enough - a few stolen kisses here and there in between their usual insei schedule. Nothing changed between them, and Waya liked it that way. It wasn't until after the Hokuto Cup that Shindou changed everything.
Waya was asleep when the knock came at his door. He tried to ignore it, but it steadily increased in volume until Waya started to worry about the noise waking the neighbors, and he cracked open bleary eyes and glared at the clock. 2:43 glared back at him.
There was another loud knock.
"I'm coming!" Waya yelled, groaning loudly as he crawled out of his futon. The peephole proved it was Shindou on the other side. "I swear to God, if this isn't a matter of life or death, I'll make it one."
Then Shindou launched himself at Waya, his hands wandering everywhere at once, kissing him like his life really did depend on it. Waya almost lost himself to it, but he managed to pull back long enough to say, "I have neighbors!" He closed the door and Shindou pinned him against it, biting Waya's neck and kneeding at his ass with a desperation Waya hadn't seen in him before.
"Are you okay?" Waya moaned, and Shindou bit his shoulder in response. "Not that I'm complaining or anything, but seriously, what the hell is going on?"
"Frustrated," Hikaru growled, his fingers fumbling with the button on Waya's cargo pants he hadn't bothered to take off before bed.
Ah. Frustrated he lost. Probably frustrated he couldn't do this with Touya, the ignorant ass.
Shindou finally managed to free him from his pants, and they pooled around his ankles as Shindou dropped to his knees and started blowing him. Waya fisted his hands in Shindou's hair, tugging lightly like Waya knows he likes.
Shindou was good at this, and Waya watched his head bob back and forth before letting his own head thunk back against the door and closing his eyes.
He felt something slip between his legs and his eyes shot open. "Shindou?"
"Let me?" Shindou replied, his voice huskier than should be possible, and Waya took a deep breath. They'd never done that before. It had always been fast handjobs and blowjobs. They'd just been fooling around until now.
Waya let out his breath slowly and nodded.
Shindou's mouth engulfed him again, one hand stroking his balls and the other slipping a slick finger inside him. Shindou stretched him with one finger, and then two before standing up and dropping his pants. He must have brought lube with him because he was slathering it on his suddenly condom-clad cock and pulling one of Waya's legs up out of his tangled pants, and then he was pushing inside him, pressing him against the door with a growl low in his throat as he filled Waya in a way that made him see stars.
Shindou was still wearing his shirt and their feet were caught in their pants and Waya didn't care, he just wanted Shindou to hurry up and move already. He bucked his hips and groaned in frustration, and Shindou took the hint, skipping slow and steady and moving straight to trying to fuck him through the door.
Waya's head was knocking against the wood and his fingers were clawing at Shindou's arms and he couldn't believe they hadn't done this before because it felt so much better than a handjob, seriously.
Waya knew he was going to come only seconds before he actually did, spots flashing before his eyes and the heat pooled in his belly exploding out of him with a strangled cry, but Shindou wasn't finished yet, and he pounded into Waya who could do little more than cling to Shindou and ride the residual waves of the most powerful orgasm he'd ever had.
He thought Shindou would never come - how much did he have to wack off to have that much stamina? - and Waya was half hard again and feeling like he might pass out from sensory overload when finally Shindou jerked and shuttered, thrusting erratically until he was fully spent.
Shindou leaned into him and Waya slid down the door to the floor, taking Shindou with him to sit on their half-removed clothes and just focused on breathing for a minute.
"Holy shit," Shindou said shakily, and Waya laughed.
"You're telling me."
When they'd finally caught their breath, they broke apart, trying to sort out their clothes and decide what was salvageable and what had to be washed before it could be worn again. Shindou's shirt was a total loss, having taken the brunt of Waya's orgasm, so he took it off, tossing it in the corner. Shindou bent down to pull up his pants as Waya untwisted his own, and as he removed the condom and tucked away the cock he'd just used to fuck Waya silly, he said, as casually as possible, "What if Touya never figures it out?"
Waya stared at his pants, tugging them on half-heartedly. "Then he's an even bigger idiot than I thought he was. It'll be some kind of record or something."
Shindou held out a hand and pulled Waya to his feet so he could get his pants up over his ass. "No, I mean, what do I do? I've been chasing him for years. I don't know how to do anything else."
Waya looked at the man he'd just given his virginity to and said the words that changed everything.
"You could always be with me."
---
After that night, things got complicated.
It's not like they'd come to any real conclusions or anything. Shindou had just smiled softly and said, "That might be nice," and passed out on his couch.
Not exactly a declaration of commitment.
It's not until Waya sees Shindou with Touya that he realizes just how complicated things had become.
They were at a Go event, the three of them sitting together, Shindou in the middle, playing shidougo with the public. It wasn't a big deal at first - they were much too busy for cross-talk - but as the day wound down and the crowd thinned, it didn't take a rocket scientist to see that Shindou couldn't take his eyes off of Touya.
"You wanna play a game after this?" Shindou asked Touya, and Waya snorted.
"We've been playing all day. Don't you want to eat?"
"Yeah! Hey Touya, want to play a game at the Ramen shop?"
"No ramen," Waya and Touya said at the same time, and Waya glared. Not that Touya noticed, being too busy studying his 'eternal rival's' face.
It made Waya feel sick to his stomach.
"I'd be happy to play with you at a more suitable restaurant, Shindou." Then, as an afterthought, Touya added, "You as well, Waya-san."
"Uh, no thanks. You guys go ahead. I'll get something here."
"Okay," Shindou said, "I'll meet up with you later."
Waya watched them walk out side by side, Shindou laughing and smiling and leaning just a little too far into Touya's personal space.
"You can't keep doing this to yourself," Isumi said softly, and Waya jumped.
"Doing what, exactly?"
"I think you know." He set a take-out container and a styrofoam cup in front of Waya. "And take better care of yourself. You're losing weight."
"It's no big deal. I've just been a little more active than usual." Isumi frowned softly, but didn't comment. "Thanks though. For the food, and stuff."
"Anytime. And I mean that. Anytime you need anything, call."
Isumi left him with his food, and Waya wondered if he was really that damn obvious.
---
Waya was still in the lobby when Shindou got back. He watched them through the glass, Touya flushing at something Shindou said before they entered.
"Waya!" Shindou called out unnecessarily.
"I'll see you in the morning, Shindou. Waya-san." Touya dipped his head politely and walked away.
Shindou stared until Touya disappeared around the corner.
"So, how was your dinner with lover boy, huh?" Waya said snidely.
"Shut up. It's not like that." Shindou scowled.
"Not for lack of trying. If you stared any harder, you'd burn a hole through him."
Shindou shot him a scathing look. Then he sighed. "Yeah, well, obviously the feeling isn't mutual, so what does it matter?"
Waya snorted. The only obvious thing here was that Shindou was as oblivious as Touya. Not that he was going to tell him that. "Whatever. I don't know what you see in that guy, anyway."
Shindou shook his head. "Can I stay with you tonight?"
"Sure."
Ten minutes later, Waya was bent over the bed breathing like an asthmatic without an inhaler.
Shindou always fucked him the hardest on the days he spent with Touya.
---
When Waya woke up, Shindou was already gone. He didn't have to wonder where he went - he knew he was with the New Wave's golden boy, making moony eyes at him that were completely lost on someone with the social skills of a sea slug.
He got up, stretching overworked muscles and wincing a little. He was sorer than usual - they'd gone three rounds before Shindou was satisfied, and he traced the fresh welts from where Shindou had dug his fingers in a little too hard, picking him almost bodily up off the floor to slam Waya back onto his cock over and over again in a way that was almost painful. Waya was half hard just thinking about it.
He decided the world could wait a little longer for his appearance and hopped into the shower. The event was pretty much over anyway, and it's not like anyone was waiting for him. The warm water felt good on his muscles, but he hissed when it hit the scratches from Shindou's blunt nails. At least he'd left a few matching ones on Shindou.
He let the memories of the night before wash over him and tried to forget that it was probably Touya Shindou was imagining when he was fucking him as he wrapped his Go callused hand around his erection and pumped himself roughly, like Shindou would, until he came hard on the shower door with an embarrassing moan.
A few minutes later, he made his way to the lobby to find only Isumi was there.
"I've been waiting for you," Isumi said with a smile. "You sure took your time."
"Sorry, I didn't think anyone would be waiting... I was taking a shower." Isumi levelled a gaze at him that made him feel like Isumi knew that wasn't the whole story, and Waya bit his lip. "So where is everyone?"
Sightseeing. I wanted to go with you, so I stayed behind."
"You did?" Waya said, dumbfounded.
"You mentioned wanting to see the memorial shrine here a while back, and I was thinking we could go together and have lunch there."
"Uh, yeah, that sounds great. I can't believe you remember that, though." Waya rubbed the back of his neck. He felt stupid; the guy he was sleeping with - well, having sex with, since Shindou never slept in the same bed with him after - had left without him while Isumi had not only waited for him but planned an outing based on a throw-away comment he'd made months ago.
He was pretty sure that spoke volumes on the state of his relationship with Shindou, but he didn't want to think too hard about what that was, exactly.
They walked along in a comfortable silence, a nice change from Shindou's constant babbling. Ironically, the only time Shindou was silent was in bed. Waya snorted.
"Thinking about something funny?" Isumi asked, spreading out the blanket he'd brought for them to sit on.
"Not exactly."
Isumi was quiet as he distributed the styrofoam containers, and he took a few bites of his food before saying, "You know, this thing you have with Shindou is killing you."
Waya stared at him with wide eyes. "What do you mean?"
"I've known you a long time. We might not be as close as we used to be, but I see the way you look at Shindou. And I know you can see that he's too busy looking at Touya to see it," he said softly.
Waya looked away. "Does everybody know?"
"I can't speak for the others, but I've seen him sneaking out of your room in the wee hours of the morning every time we travel for events." Isumi gave him a sidelong glance, his expression unreadable.
Waya wanted to deny it, and even opened his mouth to do so, but all that came out was a resigned, "Yeah."
"I don't claim to know exactly what is happening between you two, but you have to know that he's using you."
"It's not like that!" Waya denied. "It's a mutual agreement."
"Is it?" Isumi asked, clearly of a different opinion.
"He never lied to me or anything. I knew exactly what I was getting myself into."
"Maybe. But something changed for you that didn't for him, and if you're not careful, it's going to destroy you."
Waya scrubbed a hand over his face. "Look, I appreciate your concern, I really do, but I can handle it."
Isumi sighed. "I hope so."
The rest of the afternoon was much less comfortable than before.
As soon as they got back, Waya waited for something to distract Shindou from the Shindou magnet, and as soon as one of the event organizers came over to ask him for one final favor, Waya cornered Touya.
"Waya-san." Touya greeted neutrally.
"Shut up." Touya's eyes widened, but he did as he was told, probably more out of shock than anything.
"Between you and Shindou, I'm not sure who the bigger idiot is. No, I take that back. It's definitely you."
Touya's eyes narrowed, some of that inflated ego coming back to him as the shock faded. "Who do you think you are?"
"I think I'm the one getting the raw end of the deal here, that's who. I shouldn't have to spell it out for you, and I won't. But if you don't get your head out of your ass soon, it'll be too fucking late, because I'm here, and I'm willing, and I'm not going to live in your shadow forever. Figure it out, or don't. Whatever. One of these days, he's going to get tired of waiting, and when he does, you'll realize just how big of a fucking idiot you are. Genius my ass."
Touya made some kind of movement, either to stop him or maybe punch him in the face, but Waya was already halfway across the room, resolutely not looking at Shindou or Isumi, both of whom stared at him as he stalked out of the room.
That night was the first night since this whole thing started that Waya refused to open the door for Shindou; not even when he knocked so loud the hotel personnel asked him to either be quiet or leave.
Waya listened to him go and spent the rest of the night staring into the dark.
---
"Open up, Waya."
Shindou had been sitting on the front step of Waya's apartment for a half an hour. Waya was trying to will him away, but it wasn't working.
"Come on, you're my best friend."
Waya snorted. "Are you in the habit of sleeping with your best friends?"
"Well, since you're my only best friend, I guess I am."
It sounded like Shindou was leaning against the door, so Waya did the same on the other side. "Just go away, Shindou."
"I don't have any games for two days. I'm not going anywhere until you let me in."
"I guess it's going to be a long couple of days, then."
He felt more than heard Shindou lean his head back against the door. "What do you want, Shindou?"
"I don't know what's going on anymore. I thought I had it all figured out, but now..."
"Had it all figured out? You?" Waya laughed. "You couldn't find your way out of a paper bag if you had a map."
"I'm being serious here, Waya."
"So am I."
"I don't know what you said to Touya but he's been acting really weird and he's not returning my phone calls, and you won't even let me in. It's all a big mess."
"I suppose you think this is all my fault, too."
Waya thought he could hear a sigh through the door. "As easy as it would be to blame you, this is my fault. I guess it's kinda always been my fault." He sounded like he'd just lost the most important game in his life; like he did when he'd quit Go, and Waya scrubbed a hand over his face, kind of wishing he'd never answered Shindou in the first place.
"I was the one who kissed you first if I remember correctly."
Shindou said nothing, and with a monstrous sigh, Waya got up and opened the door, causing Shindou to fall flat on his back. Waya stared down at him. "Come on, get up so I can close the door. I think we've given my neighbors enough to talk about today."
When Shindou didn't immediately get up, Waya rolled his eyes and held out his hand. Shindou reluctantly took it, and Waya hauled him up and inside so he could at least close the damn door.
Once he had Shindou on the couch, he took a moment to really look at him. He looked like shit. His hair was wild and a little greasy, his eyes looked bruised from lack of sleep and he was hunched in on himself, not meeting Waya's eyes. He looked lost.
Waya knew a little bit about how it felt to be lost.
"Look, this can wait. Why don't you take a shower and get some sleep? We can sort this shit out in the morning."
Shindou just stared at the carpet. "I didn't mean to hurt you, you know."
"Yeah, I know. That's why I haven't punched you in the face. I knew the deal. I just ended up wanting more, I guess. Now go take a shower before you stink up my couch."
Waya sat, listening to the sound of the running water and trying not to think about anything.
When Shindou returned, dripping wet in only his pants, Waya got up to get a blanket. He threw it on Shindou, who was just sitting there staring at the ground, and told him to get some sleep before retiring to his futon.
Thirty minutes later, Shindou was standing over him, looking at him through his bangs with hollow eyes.
"Make love to me."
And what could he say to that? He pulled him down onto the futon with him and just went with it.
It was the first time Waya had done this, but he just mimicked what Shindou would do, kissing him as he stretched him open, nipping at his bottom lip and sucking at his neck. Their rule was no marks above the shirtline, but Waya didn't care; he was making Shindou his, and screw what anyone thought of that.
Then he pulled Shindou's legs up to hook over his shoulders and proceeded to fuck him into the matress. Shindou bucked and flailed and cried out, Waya's name on his lips, and something exploded in his chest as he emptied himself in Shindou, collapsing on him to keep him from leaving. But Shindou seemed content to just lay there, his face pressed against Waya's, staring off into space.
So much for sorting things out in the morning.
Waya rolled off of Shindou, and Shindou moved to lay with him, pressing his warm body to Waya's, an arm slung over him and his head on his chest. "I don't know if I can let him go, but I think maybe I should."
Waya grunted, thinking they really needed to stop talking about Touya after sex, and curled his arm possessively around Shindou. "Try to get some sleep."
As Shindou drifted off to sleep, Waya couldn't help but think that the only possible way this could end is badly.
---
They never did talk about it after that, but with Touya avoiding Shindou, he was spending all of his free time with Waya, and Waya thought that just maybe that could be enough for him.
Touya might have been avoiding Shindou so much because he'd seen the hickey Waya had left on him, but he was okay with that. If he couldn't get it together, he didn't deserve to have Shindou, anyway.
"I don't want to wait anymore," Shindou said one night after a particularly vigorous round of sex.
"So don't," Waya said simply, and Shindou weaved their fingers together. It felt like the most intimate gesture they'd ever shared. Waya smiled.
At some god-awful hour of the morning, Shindou's cell started to ring. Waya ignored it, but then it rang again and again, and finally Waya picked it up and looked at the display as Shindou snored softly.
It was Touya.
Waya flipped it open.
"Shindou? Are you there? We need to talk."
"You're too late," Waya hissed, and flipped the phone closed again.
He looked down at Shindou's sleeping face and knew his days were numbered.
Shindou's eyes fluttered open.
"Hey."
"Hey."
"...Touya called."
Shindou blinked owlishly up at him before rolling onto his back to stare up at the ceiling. "What did he want?"
"I didn't ask."
"Oh."
"Are you going to call him back?"
"...No."
"You want some breakfast? I could order something."
Shindou shook his head, tugging on Waya's arm and pulling him down. "Just... lay with me for a while?"
"Yeah, sure." Shindou wrapped himself around Waya like a man drowning, and Waya felt like he just might drown with him.
If there were unshed tears in Shindou's eyes, well, he pretended not to see them through his own.
---
It wasn't long before Touya cornered Shindou. Waya wasn't surprised; not really. He was surprised when things between them continued as usual, though. He wasn't sure what was said, and he didn't really want to know. Shindou resumed his weekly games with Touya and still came over to fuck him into oblivion afterwards, and that was all the information he needed.
Still, Waya couldn't help but watch closely when they were together.
At the awards ceremony that year, Touya was once again receiving some award to stroke his already massive ego, and Waya would have just not gone if it wasn't expected of him. Instead, he was standing next to Shindou, watching as he tried not to stare at Touya.
Touya walked up to the podium to accept his award, his gaze locked on Shindou, and in a moment of daring, Waya slipped his hand into Shindou's. Shock washed over Touya's face, but Waya was more interested in Shindou's reaction.
Shindou bit his lip, looked from their joined hands to Waya with an unreadable expression and looked back at Touya. He shifted uncomfortably, but didn't take his hand back, and Waya held on tight, not letting go until Touya had left the podium. He could feel Touya's calculating gaze from across the room and Waya locked eyes with him.
Touya looked away first, bolting from the room. Shindou's mouth opened and he twitched like he might call out to him or chase him down or something, but he didn't, a dark cloud taking up residence on his face as he turned back towards the front.
He caught Isumi's disapproving look, but he didn't want to deal with it just then, and he tugged the brooding Shindou out of the room and down the never-used steps, pressing him against the wall to kiss him silly.
Shindou kissed back desperately, and Waya let his hands roam, snaking one down into Shindou's pants to grasp at his half-hard cock, stroking it to full mast right there between floors, scraping his teeth down Shindou's neck as Shindou bucked against him, fucking Waya's hand like a man at the end of his rope.
There was a gasp that didn't belong, and they both turned to look at the unwitting voyeur. Touya, his eyes puffy and red, was staring with wide eyed shock. "I-I'm sorry, I just-" his voice broke and he fled.
"Touya!" Shindou yelled, but Waya pushed him against the wall, hard.
"You're mine now, damn it. You can't just go running off after Touya every time he realizes he fucked up."
"I know." Shindou stared at the spot where Touya had been and Waya sighed, moving to take his hand out of Shindou's pants. "No, don't stop," he pleaded, his eyes dark and distant.
Waya jerked him off hard and fast, pulling Shindou back into the here and now with Waya. Shindou's sharp cry echoed through the stairwell, and Waya took back his hand, wiping it unceremoniously on his pants.
Shindou's hands fluttered towards Waya's waist. "Do you want-"
"No. Let's just go, okay?"
Shindou glanced at the spot where Touya had been and said, "Yeah."
At the top of the stairs, Isumi looked at Waya knowingly, and Waya took Shindou's hand defiantly, leading a docile Shindou out of that cursed building and back to his place where there were no Touyas or Isumis to make Waya want to sink through the floor.
---
It happened a week later. Waya had gone to the Go Institute to watch Isumi's game with Ashiwara, and as the match hall emptied and he walked to the elevator, he heard it. It was low and sensual, and there was no mistaking it.
"Tou... ya..."
Waya stopped dead. Isumi's hand came down on his shoulder, but he broke away, throwing open the closest door, and his heart dropped out of his chest.
There was Shindou, eyes glazed over, head thrown back, his hands bracing himself on the table behind him, his fly open but his pants on like he couldn't even stop to pull them down. And kneeling in front of him was Touya, his tongue wrapped around the cock that had fucked Waya the night before.
"I can see I'm interrupting," he said darkly, turning and taking long strides towards the elevator.
Shindou practically knocked Touya over, everyone staring as he ran after Waya, zipping his pants as he went. "Waya, wait!"
Time skipped, and suddenly Shindou was staring up at him from the ground, his eyes wide and watering. Waya's right hand was on the left side of his body, his knuckles and eyes stinging. Touya was peering down the hallway, looking like he might want to gather Shindou up but knowing better. Everyone from the match hall had come out to see what the commotion was about.
You could hear a pin drop.
"You know what, fuck it. You're not worth it."
He punched the elevator button harshly, willing the doors to open.
"You two are a couple of real assholes, you know that?" It was Isumi's voice, low and dark like Waya had never heard it before, and then the doors opened and Isumi was sliding into behind him and pressing the close door button.
"Feel better?"
"No."
"You guys definitely gave the institute something to talk about."
Waya snorted.
"Want to come back to my place? I'll make food and we can watch cheesy b-movies."
"Thanks, but I kinda want to be alone right now."
"It's an open offer, if you change your mind."
"Thanks."
The doors slid open and Waya fled.
---
Outside of his games, Waya stayed home. Shindou didn't come by to try to explain himself, and Waya wasn't sure if it was because he was afraid to or if he was just too busy making up for lost time with Touya. Not that it mattered. Waya could still hear the emotion in Shindou's voice when he'd said Touya's name.
It was something he'd never heard when Shindou had been with him.
Fucking Shindou. He should have never gotten involved with him in the first place. And now Touya had something else to feed his disgusting ego. In the end, he got everything and left Waya with nothing.
He sees them in his mind, fitting together perfectly in a way that leaves no room for him, and he hates them for it. He kinda regrets hitting Shindou in the same way that he regrets not hitting Touya.
He saw Shindou for the first time at an Ootei match. They were seated a few rows apart, but it wasn't too far to see his split lip, which was still swollen and red even eight days later. Shindou kept stealing glances at him, and it throws Waya off. In the end, they both lose to opponents that should have been easy prey.
Shindou was standing next to the door, looking like he couldn't decide if he should wait or just run the hell away. Waya wasn't going to just stand around in the game room hoping he would go away, so with an inward sigh, he strode towards the door with every intention of walking right by Shindou without a word.
He made it to the hallway before Shindou found the guts to call out to him. "Waya!" He approached him, but this time he left a moderate amount of space between them. "Waya, I-"
"Where's your boyfriend?" Waya cut in smoothly.
"What?"
"I said, where's Touya?"
"...I'm not seeing Touya."
For some reason, that made Waya angrier. "Why the fuck not? You were more than willing to fuck his mouth right here in the Go Institute. Is that all you want? A warm hole for your dick?"
Shindou turned red. "I wanted to sort things out with you."
"Things are as sorted as they're going to get, Shindou. You two fucking deserve each other."
"That's not-"
"What, Shindou? That's not what? Fair? Let me tell you a little something about fair. I have a picture of you with your cock in Touya's mouth burned eternally into my mind. How's that for fair?"
Shindou couldn't meet his eyes and instead stared at the floor. "I'm sorry. I want to fix it, but I don't know how. You're my best friend, Waya."
"I was your best friend." Waya turned to leave, and Shindou tried to stop him with a hand on his arm. Waya ripped it viciously from his grasp. "Don't fucking touch me. You don't have that right anymore."
"Waya, please, I'm sorry, I-"
"I hate you, Shindou."
Tears gathered in Shindou's eyes and Waya walked away before he could see them fall.
Even after everything, he didn't want to see Shindou cry.
---
Waya couldn't just hide out in his apartment forever, so eventually he cleaned up the mountains of take-out containers and started actually going out for things again. He still wasn't seeing anyone - he had no desire to spend any time with people - but he was picking things up instead of getting them delivered, and he finally went to his mom's to do his laundry. Which was a good thing; he was starting to smell.
He played a few low pressure games of Go at a random Go Salon, and it helped calm his nerves a bit, which seemed to be permanently frayed.
He avoided his usual places and just stuck to the outskirts of the city where he didn't know anyone, which is why it blindsided him so badly when he saw them.
They were standing outside of a shop, looking in the window and contemplating going in. Touya had his arm linked with Shindou's, and they were both smiling softly. They were beautiful, like there was no other possible outcome that didn't involve one with the other. They looked right together, and Waya almost lost his lunch right there on the sidewalk.
They went inside, too wrapped up in each other to even notice he was there. He really had never had a chance.
He pulled out his cell phone right then and there, his mouth dry and his stomach in knots.
"Isumi? Is your offer still good? ...I could really use a friend right now."
Isumi didn't ask any questions; just quietly made popcorn and popped in some epic alien B-movie and sat down on the couch. Isumi laughed for Waya at all the bad special effects, and somehow by the end of the movie, Waya was leaning against Isumi and crying like he hadn't since he was a child.
Isumi held onto him through the credits and into the silence.
"It hurts so much. How could he do that to me?" he whispered, and Isumi stroked his hair and squeezed him tight when the tears turned into sobs.
Waya fisted Isumi's shirt and just let everything that he had been bottling up go. He couldn't have held it in if he tried.
Finally, he pulled back slowly, rubbing his nose and eyes and feeling seriously stupid. "I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me."
"Don't you dare apologize. You needed that, and I'm glad you felt you could come to me." Waya met his eyes and could only see a melancholy fondness there; a real concern for him with no other motives behind it. It almost made Waya cry again. "So how about we try a movie that doesn't suck so much?"
A small smile began to blossom on his face. "Yeah, I'd like that."
Isumi changed the disks and Waya leaned lightly into Isumi, feeling for the first time since everything happened that just maybe, things would be okay.
---
Part II: Aim Snap Fall
"So, what do we have planned for today?"
"I was thinking we could try out the new Smash Brothers."
Waya raised an eyebrow. "I didn't know you owned any game consoles."
Isumi shrugged. "Since you're here so often, I figured I may as well get one. I know you like them."
Waya looked at him with wide eyes. "You didn't have to do that."
Isumi smiled. "I know. I wanted to."
Waya flushed slightly. "I don't know what to say."
"Say you're going to teach me how to play, because honestly, I don't have a clue."
Waya laughed. "Sure."
And so it went that most days Waya found himself with Isumi. He'd somehow forgotten how well they got along, and though he still hurt, the smile came easier with Isumi.
"Hey, you wanna go to the movies with me? There's this new zombie flick I've been wanting to see."
"Zombies, huh?" Isumi mused. "I hope it's better than the last one I saw."
"Pfft. It has zombies. What more could you need?"
Isumi rolled his eyes. "Plot would be nice."
Waya grinned. "Plot's overrated."
"Says you."
"So, you wanna?"
"Wouldn't miss it for the world."
Isumi was like that, always willing to do whatever silly thing Waya thought up. It was fun. Comfortable. Waya felt like Isumi wanted him around just for the company. It was a good feeling.
And if he found himself looking forward to days spent with Isumi, he didn't find it strange. It just was; the natural progression of things.
It was a day like any other, the two of them watching TV on the couch, when Waya first noticed.
He felt different. Everything was the same; the same Isumi, the same inane discussion on the merits of a transporter versus the potential risks, and yet...
He wanted to be closer to Isumi.
He missed his conversational cue as butterflies took up residence inside him, and Isumi gave him a sidelong glance. "You alright?"
"Yeah. Just hungry, I think." It was the only thing he could think of on the spot, though he was pretty sure he couldn't eat if his life depended on it.
Isumi looked at the clock, and Waya tried not to stare at the way his hair fell just so across his face. What the hell was wrong with him?
"It is getting pretty late. Should I order something? We haven't had Chinese in a while."
"What? Yeah, that's fine."
"You sure you're feeling okay?"
"Yeah, I'm good."
Isumi went into the kitchen to get the number off the fridge and Waya tried not to think about how he suddenly wanted to know how Isumi's hair would feel if he threaded his fingers through it.
As the days went by, the feeling got stronger. On some days, he found it difficult to talk to Isumi without flushing slightly. On others, it was difficult to keep from sitting a little too close.
He wasn't stupid; he had a pretty good idea what was happening. He just wasn't sure what to do about it. Or if he should do anything at all.
It hadn't worked out so well for him last time. He didn't want to lose Isumi like he had Shindou.
Two months later and he still hadn't spoken to Shindou. He'd seen him at the Institute, stealing surreptitious glances at him, but Waya didn't feel ready to deal with him yet. He wasn't sure if he ever would be, really. The look of hurt on Shindou's face still made him too sad and angry for anything coherent to come out, anyway.
No, he didn't want to take that chance with Isumi. He was too important to him to risk it.
---
Waya tried, he really did, to keep an emotional distance from Isumi while still hanging out with him, but as the days went by, he felt more and more drawn to him. It didn't help that Isumi seemed to have endless amounts of time for him, or that he was always going out of his way to come up with stuff for them to do.
It was at the roller rink when his resolve went out the window.
Waya wasn't all that good at roller skating, so it was just a matter of time before he was barreling towards the wall, unable to stop. Isumi, surprisingly agile on his roller blades, came to his rescue, grabbing his hand to steer him away from his crash course and on a safer path.
Then he just never let go.
Waya looked down at their joined hands and felt a warmth spread through him. Waya tugged on Isumi's hand, making them spin, other skaters shooting him annoyed looks as they went around the new road block. They came to a stop only inches apart, Waya looking up into Isumi's smiling eyes, and with a start he realized there was a quiet longing there that he hadn't noticed before, but now that he did, he could see it in his memories of him for as far back as he could remember.
With a soft smile, Waya started moving again, pulling Isumi along with him.
"Don't let go, okay? I don't want to crash."
"I won't let you."
They skated together like that until the place closed.
---
The day Waya was dreading dawned earlier than he would have liked, but he found it was impossible to go back to sleep.
He got dressed and stood around in his apartment until the nature of the day made the memories of that place unbearable and he headed to the institute two hours early.
Isumi had a game, too, and was already there waiting for him.
"You're here early."
"I thought you might have some trouble sleeping, so I thought I'd keep you company."
Waya offered him a tentative smile. "Thanks."
"Doing okay?"
"Yeah. I mean, it's just a game, right?"
Isumi's look told him just what he thought about that.
"Yeah, okay, maybe not."
They moved into the game room, starting up a game of their own to pass the time. It was familiar and it took his mind off of the next opponent he would face. He was surprised to find it was almost time for the official matches when they entered yose.
He hadn't noticed during the game, but now he could clearly see Shindou hovering by the match board, trying for all the world to look like he was supremely interested in the match ups. Waya sighed and Isumi stood up, putting a reassuring hand on his shoulder.
Then it was coming down to the starting time, and with a squeeze, Isumi retracted his hand and moved to his own board. Shindou walked like a man on his way to the gallows, looking everywhere but at Waya. He dropped into seiza, his knuckles white from his deathgrip on his fan, and stared at the board.
Waya sighed much more forcefully this time. "You can look at me, you know. I'm not going to hit you or anything."
"You sure?" Shindou said, but he looked up anyway.
"Yeah. Though I can't say the same for Touya."
"Listen-"
Waya shook his head. "This isn't the time."
Shindou bit his lip, and Waya noticed the faint scar there. "...Will it ever be the time?"
"I don't know. Probably. It's just-"
He felt like Shindou was staring right into him. "That you hate me?"
"I don't hate you, alright? God, I'm not doing this now."
Shindou nodded, dropping his gaze to the board. The bell rang and they started their game.
The opening moves were standard and passed without any oddities. It was when they moved into chuuban that he could feel Shindou's hesitation in each hand, and Waya pushed hard against his weak stones, breaking Shindou's formations before he could make them.
He had thought this game would be difficult, but it wasn't. Before they ever got to yose, Shindou was forced to resign. Waya felt just a little smug.
Waya was about to get up to mark his win when Shindou said, "Thank you for the game. And for a whole hell of a lot more."
"Thank you for the game," Waya murmured.
By the time he'd stamped his win, Shindou was gone.
"How did it go?" Isumi asked when his game was finished.
"I won."
Isumi just looked at him.
"Not horribly, I guess."
"Are you ever going to forgive him?"
"Yeah. Maybe. I don't know."
"You have every right not to," Isumi said, but it sounded to Waya like he thought he should.
"I probably won't forgive Touya," he muttered darkly. "But Shindou..."
"Is your best friend."
"Was. Was my best friend."
The look on his face said he wasn't so sure about that, but then he slipped his hand in Waya's, right there in front of God and everybody, and Waya let himself be led out of the building, arguing the last thing on his mind.
---
"So, what is this we're doing?"
"...Playing a racing game?"
They were sitting on the couch, Waya leaning against Isumi, and he motioned to their bodies, causing his car to wreck.
"This, I mean."
Isumi set down his controller to give Waya his full attention. "What do you want it to mean?"
"Something. I want it to mean something. And not just to me."
The gaze Isumi levelled at him made his cheeks feel hot. "It does. And not just to you."
"I found out the hard way that it's important to be clear, and I want this. I really want this. But..."
"Waya." Isumi covered his hand with his. "I've wanted this for a long time. But I don't want to push you. I know that you're scared, and I'm willing to wait. Even if it never goes beyond what we have now, I'll be happy. One thing you never have to worry about is my sincerity. You had that long before this," he squeezed Waya's hand, "ever started."
The butterflies morphed into something bigger and he swallowed, his tongue sticking to the roof of his mouth. "Can I kiss you?"
Isumi inclined his head ever so slightly, and Waya brought shaking fingers up to slide across Isumi's face, the tips flirting with his hairline. He leaned in and Isumi met him halfway, gently pressing their lips together in a way that was unfamiliar to Waya. There was no haste or uncontrollable lust there, but it made his chest tight and his body tremble, and he went ahead and slipped his fingers into Isumi's hair just to feel the soft strands against his skin.
Waya ran his tongue across Isumi's lips, and Isumi let him inside, lightly caressing Waya's tongue with his own. He felt a familiar warmth spark to life in his gut, and suddenly his hands were everywhere, pulling at Isumi's shirt as he grinded against him.
"Waya..." Isumi said, and Waya trailed his teeth over Isumi's jaw line and down to his neck.
"Waya," Isumi said more forcefully this time, gently pushing him back so he could look at him.
"But I thought you wanted-"
"I do. I want this - I want you - but I think we're moving too fast. Just being here with you is enough."
Waya looked away. "I don't know any other way to show you how I feel."
"Just be here with me. If we jump right into bed, you might regret it, and I don't want you to regret anything about this."
"Isumi..."
Isumi pulled him close, and Waya just held on, feeling lost.
---
After that, there were kisses - lots of kisses - but it didn't go further than that, and Waya knew that Isumi was right, that he wasn't ready, and the fact that Isumi realized that meant more than he knew how to say.
And damn it, if he didn’t stop running into Shindou every-freaking-where, he was seriously going to break something. Preferably Touya’s face. No matter where he went, there he was, lurking in the corner, trying to look like he wasn’t looking. But he damn well was looking, and most of the time, it made Waya want to scream in frustration, or maybe track down Touya and put his size ten Vans through his skull or something equally gruesome. He was seriously starting to think Shindou was stalking him, which he totally wouldn’t put past him at all, the crazy bastard.
Sometimes though, he feels a pang of longing, because damn it, this thing with Isumi was still new and confusing, and he could really use a best friend to talk about it with. A couple of times, he even has to remind himself that he didn’t have a best friend anymore when he sees Shindou’s miserable face trying hard not to stare.
All in all, aside from the Isumi thing, Waya thought this was a pretty shitty situation to be in.
And then, and then, of all the fucking things that could have happened, the most unthinkable thing in the world came to pass.
Touya Akira actually had the balls to approach him.
“What. The fuck. Do you think. You’re doing?” Waya said, gnashing his teeth so hard, he’s kind of concerned he might break one of them.
Touya flushed a deep purple, but he didn’t back down, and Waya could feel himself involuntarily squeezing his hands into fists. Maybe he could give Touya a scar to match Shindou’s…
“Please forgive Shindou!” Touya suddenly blurted, and though it was more or less what he’d expected, the strain in his voice takes him a little by surprise.
“What I do or don’t do is no business of yours,” Waya snapped, and Touya dropped his eyes, staring at the tile in front of Waya’s feet.
“I’ve never seen him this miserable. Except…” Touya said softly, breaking off at the end there, but there was no doubt about what he was referring to.
“What the fuck do you care, anyway? This shit is pretty much all your fucking fault.”
“I know.” There was shame in his voice, and when he looked up at Waya, his eyes glinted oddly, like he might just cry. “I’m the one who pushed him to do more than he wanted that day, so forgive Shindou!”
“It doesn’t fucking matter who did what, you know. What matters is that he did it, and he fucking did it to me, and I thought he was my best god damned friend. He could have just fucking told me, and I’d have let him go. It’s not like anyone in the whole god damned world really expected that he’d end up with me instead of you.” Waya was using his hands to talk angrily, and he really had no idea why he was telling Touya any of this, except that he had kinda needed to get it off his chest for a long time, and Touya was there, forcing him to think about it, so Touya was going to listen whether he wanted to or not, because he owed him so much that if he tried for the rest of his miserable life, he’d never be able to break even.
“It just… hurts to see him in so much pain,” Touya whispered, almost to himself, and Waya just about loses it, because if Touya wants to talk about pain, he’ll fucking show him pain, and because he just wants to be upset with Shindou without thinking about what that means, and Touya was making that real damn hard just then.
Magically, he managed to keep himself from knocking Touya’s teeth out or something, and managed to bite out, “Go the fuck home, Touya.”
Touya looked like he might just be stubborn about it, but his eyes drifted to Waya’s clenched fists and thought better of it, bowing to him so deep, Waya thought his nose might just be touching the ground. “I am deeply sorry for everything.”
Waya actually cocked his fist back at that, but Touya was apparently smart enough to know to run after that, so Waya punched the wall instead. Then he kinda felt like a lunatic, since he was in a hallway at the Go Institute, and he really, really didn’t need to give anyone anything else to talk about.
---
“Why would he come talk to me? Why?”
“For the sixth time, I have no idea,” Isumi replied, trying hard to hide an amused smile.
“Don’t laugh,” Waya grumbled.
“I’m not laughing,” Isumi said with a smile. “But you’re being just a little melodramatic, don’t you think?”
“No,” Waya huffed, laying his head on Isumi’s shoulder. “I shouldn’t have to see him.”
Isumi snorted. “You work together.”
“Yeah, we should force him to quit or something.”
“You’re cute when you’re indignant.” Waya blushed, and Isumi tilted his head up gently to kiss him.
“He’s not going to go away, is he?” Waya said dejectedly once they broke.
“No, he’s not. Neither is Shindou. You’ll have to figure things out with those two eventually.” Isumi ran soothing fingers up Waya’s back. After a moment of just sitting together like that, Isumi ventured, “Is it really still that bad?”
“No. Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t really think about it like I used to. I mean, it’s not like I still want Shindou.” Waya flushed. “I… I have you.”
Isumi clutched Waya closer to him, sighing into his hair. “You do.”
Waya let out an explosive breath. “It’s more than that. You’re more than that. I… I…”
Isumi made a soothing hushing sound. “I know. It’s okay. There’s no need to explain yourself.”
Waya’s heart lurched in his chest. “I think maybe I should lie down. I’m exhausted.”
“You can use my bed.” A pause. “Did you want me to come with you?”
Waya was ready to say no, that he really just needed to rest a little, but what actually came out of his mouth was, “Yeah. I’d really like that.”
Isumi linked their hands together and led them to the bedroom, pulling back the blankets and sliding into the bed, scooting back to make room for Waya. They laid together in the middle of the bed and just held each other for a while. Waya thought he’d feel like they should be doing more, but he didn’t. He felt comfortable. Safe.
The tension bled out of Waya with each of the small circles Isumi rubbed into his back, and slowly, his breathing evened out and he fell asleep.
---
Waya closed the door behind him and tossed his keys into the bowl next to the door with Isumi’s, turning to take in the rearranged living room. Isumi was arranging a blanket of some sort when Waya realized it was part of something bigger. “Hey, when did you get a kotatsu?”
“I just got it today. It’s starting to get cold, so I figured we could use one.” Isumi was fighting with the blankets, and Waya moved in to help, bumping shoulders with him as they worked to flatten it out.
“Now all we have to do is test it out,” Waya said with a grin.
Isumi smiled back. “Yeah, I guess so.”
A flat goban was produced from a closet and perched precariously on the edge of the table portion of the kotatsu, and Waya and Isumi crawled under the blanket side by side, a goke on either side of them. It was awkward - they had to lean forward and stretch to place their stones - but it was warm and amicable, and Waya felt more at home here than he could ever remember feeling.
Home. It was a strange thought. He’d thought his little apartment was a home, but really, he’d still been living partly with his parents - doing his laundry there and grabbing meals whenever he had the chance. Being here with Isumi was different. Special, somehow. He used to look forward to going home to his own place, but now it just felt empty, like a hotel room he’d been living out of for much too long.
“We should move in together,” Waya blurted out, and Isumi’s eyes went wide. “I mean, you know, I’m always here anyway and… I just, maybe we could think about it?”
“That’s a big step,” Isumi murmured, his voice giving nothing away despite his initial shock.
“I know, you’re right, it’s too soon. Forget I said anything,” Waya mumbled, staring at the board with blank eyes and red cheeks.
Isumi shook his head. “That’s not what I meant.”
Waya turned to blink owlishly at Isumi. “What?”
Isumi’s hand cupped Waya’s cheek, and when their eyes met, the depth of the concern Waya found there was like a physical blow. “I was going to ask you if you were sure, because there is nothing I want more. I just can’t trust my own judgment on this. I want it too much.”
Waya kissed him, long and hard and full of the overwhelming feeling swelling in his chest until he had no choice but to stop to gasp for air. His mind raced, trying to put that feeling to words, but it remained elusive, swirling and raging and storming inside of him. So instead, he simply said, “Me too.”
Waya stayed over that night, clinging to Isumi right there on the floor, warmed by the kotatsu and their shared body heat.
In the morning, Waya went home to pack.
TBC in Part III: This is for Keeps