[onigokko]
by verloren1983
Home
(Warning: domestic abuse)
Kaga frowns at the alarm clock next to his bed. 11:21 p.m., and the voices are still coming from the other side of the wall. He wonders if his parents really think that he can't hear the shouting, the screaming, the name calling, everything his father thinks about him that he never wanted to know. Home is supposed to be a safe place for a seven year old, but Kaga doesn't ever remember it being that. What he remembers is his father calling him lazy and useless and how he never should've been born. They wouldn't fight if his mother didn't defend him. Kaga knows this. All of their fights revolve around their waste-of-space son. He feels a little bit guilty for that, but mostly he's grateful that at least his mother tries. She doesn't really understand him, but she loves him and so the effort is there. They would be so much better off without him. Why doesn't his mother leave the jerk already, anyway?
He gets out of bed, grabs his backpack that always has clothes and food in it (though not much else), and leaves the house. He knows how this goes. He's not getting any sleep anyway.
Nobody ever notices he's gone until the morning.
+++
When he comes home the next day after school, his mother is waiting for him.
"I wish you would stop disappearing," she says softly, and Kaga feels ashamed of himself for a moment. "What if something happened to you?"
His chest puffs out in response to this. "I can take care of myself."
"I'm sure you can. I just... come here," she says, opening her arms to him, and he steps forward to allow his mother to hug him.
"It's my job to worry about you."
"I couldn't sleep," Kaga admits.
"Oh."
They're both quiet then, holding and being held. It's kind of nice, even if Kaga is in second grade and he doesn't need stuff like this anymore. At least, that's what he tells himself. He's practically a grown up. Then again, if being a grown up means being like his father, then he doesn't ever want to do it.
"Why does he hate me so much? Is it because of Go?" he asks finally. He's asked before, but she's always deflected, saying things like 'of course he doesn't hate you' and quickly distracting him to another topic. This time, though, she sighs. Kaga can feel her breath ruffle through his hair.
"I don't know."
+++
He's not sure when his father started drinking. It might've been before Kaga was even born for all he knows. What he IS sure of is that alcohol does something terrible to a person. His father is mean to begin with, there's no denying that. Every truly despicable thing the man has ever called Kaga has been when he was sober. But get some drinks in him and he gets violent. Unlike a lot of violent drunks, though, his favorite target isn't his spouse. Kaga Saburo goes after his son. The only time Kaga's mother gets hurt is when she tries to protect him.
Which, inevitably, she always does.
Kaga feels small and helpless after these drinking binges, watching his mother in front of the bathroom mirror carefully plastering on makeup to hide the bruises on her face and arms. He refuses, however, to let her put the coverup on him. He's a boy. He doesn't wear makeup.
It's probably contributed a great deal to his reputation as a trouble-maker even as a young boy.
The first time someone notices, really notices, Kaga is eight. His father had beaten the hell out of him a couple of nights previous, though thankfully nothing on his face this time. He's at school and they're changing into their sports uniforms when one of the other boys sees the marks on his back.
"Holy crap, you must've gotten in some fight."
For a heartbeat, Kaga freezes, wondering if the kid knows somehow, if he's going to get crap for this. Then he smirks, hiding any trace of anxiety. He can't be weak. He has to be strong, no matter what.
"You should see the other guy."
Kaga has always been arrogant, it's simply part of how his brain is wired, but it's at this point that it becomes more smoke and mirrors than anything else.
+++
When Kaga hits junior high, he does two things that piss off his father to no end: he joins the shougi club, renouncing any previous attachment to Go, and he starts working out obsessively. It's actually only the first that's deliberately meant to anger the old man. The second is really for his own peace of mind. He's always carried a lot of guilt about not being able to protect himself or his mother. Mostly his mother. He's determined that no one will ever hurt either of them again.
It doesn't quite work out that way, but it does make it harder for the old man to lay a hand on him. Eventually it only happens when Kaga's caught off guard or his father is exceptionally drunk and unpredictable. By then, though, he makes it a point to be at home as little as possible anyway. Anywhere but home.
He's thirteen when he discovers sex for the first time, with a girl that he's supposed to be researching a History project with, as if. A few weeks later, he tries the same same thing with a guy from his shop class. He finds that he doesn't really care about the particulars either way. As long as everyone involved gets off, it's all good to his mind.
Kaga gets a reputation for that, too.
+++
Somehow it comes as a shock when this particular aspect of his reputation bites him in the ass. He's seventeen. He's used to getting what he wants now, maybe a little too used to it, if the look on Tsutsui's face is any indication.
"What was that?" Tsutsui demands. He's bright red and pushing Kaga away to arms length.
Kaga smirks. "What, you live in a bubble or something?"
"No, of course I- I know..." he stammers, not finishing. "Why?"
"Because I wanted to?"
"But why? I'm not..."
Kaga ignores the hands still pushing him away and puts a hand on Tsutsui's arm.
"You're not what?"
"I'm not like that. I'm not someone you can just mess around with."
"Who says I'm messing around?"
He also ignores the little sound of protest and kisses Tsutsui again.
+++
Tsutsui looks like he wants to ask questions when he opens his bedroom window to let Kaga in, but he doesn't. He knows not to by now, like he seems to know that Kaga just needs this sometimes. Kaga kisses him hard and starts stripping. He doesn't talk, that's not how they play this- except when he pushes Tsutsui on his bed, Tsutsui gasps.
"What happened?"
"Shut up."
"Kaga!"
"What?"
"You're hurt!" Tsutsui says, reaching up to touch Kaga's chest
Kaga doesn't have to look. He knows that there's a bruise where the other boy's fingers linger.
"We're not talking about that."
Tsutsui frowns up at him, but doesn't continue to push the issue. Yes, Tsutsui knows better. Tsutsui is the only one that Kaga can be like this with. He's not sure exactly when that happened, but there it is. Kaga presses him down against the mattress and kisses him again, as if it will take away the pain for a little while.
It does. It always does.
+++
It's supposed to be one of the best days of his life. Kaga, somehow, has managed to pass everything he needs despite hardly ever being in school, preferring to study human anatomy over anything else. Instead, he watches in horror as his father stumbles into the graduation ceremony. Everyone turns to stare at him. Kaga would blush if he was prone to such things, but he does look away with a cringe. Tsutsui looks away from the spectacle and over at him with soft eyes. He takes Kaga's hand, their fingers intertwining, and Tsutsui smiles. He's graduating. He and Tsutsui are moving into an apartment together at the end of the week. He's an adult, dammit, his father can't hurt him anymore.
Kaga tries not to notice when the old man stumbles back out before his name is even called.
+++
They've been in their apartment for a few weeks now. It's... amazing. It's totally worth the crap his father spewed upon finding out that Kaga was going to be sharing a place with another man, totally worth the weird looks their landlord gives them sometimes, totally worth the fact that the apartment is ridiculously small and they're practically tripping over each other whenever one of them moves. This is worth it because it's them and Kaga has never been able to be like this before. It's like.... like he's home for the first time. Tsutsui would probably say that they're happy or something mushy like that, but Kaga's not sure. He's never really been that happy, so he has nothing to compare it to. He doesn't know what it's supposed to feel like.
He looks at Tsutsui sleeping next to him and can't help but smile. Happy? Maybe. He's not sure how he got so lucky, but he thinks he can deal with it.
"Fuckin' perfect," Kaga says against his cheek. He'll deny it if anyone ever found out about it, of course, but there's no harm in admitting it to himself, is there? Tsutsui is... kind of ridiculous sometimes, and kind of a geek, and maybe he blushes too much, but... if there's somebody that's absolutely fucking perfect for him and everything that he is, it's Tsutsui. Kind of funny how that's worked out.
Kaga wraps an arm around him and lets himself fall asleep, the rhythm of his breathing naturally matching with Tsutsui's. Yes, he could deal with this. He's home.
Home
(Warning: domestic abuse)
Kaga frowns at the alarm clock next to his bed. 11:21 p.m., and the voices are still coming from the other side of the wall. He wonders if his parents really think that he can't hear the shouting, the screaming, the name calling, everything his father thinks about him that he never wanted to know. Home is supposed to be a safe place for a seven year old, but Kaga doesn't ever remember it being that. What he remembers is his father calling him lazy and useless and how he never should've been born. They wouldn't fight if his mother didn't defend him. Kaga knows this. All of their fights revolve around their waste-of-space son. He feels a little bit guilty for that, but mostly he's grateful that at least his mother tries. She doesn't really understand him, but she loves him and so the effort is there. They would be so much better off without him. Why doesn't his mother leave the jerk already, anyway?
He gets out of bed, grabs his backpack that always has clothes and food in it (though not much else), and leaves the house. He knows how this goes. He's not getting any sleep anyway.
Nobody ever notices he's gone until the morning.
+++
When he comes home the next day after school, his mother is waiting for him.
"I wish you would stop disappearing," she says softly, and Kaga feels ashamed of himself for a moment. "What if something happened to you?"
His chest puffs out in response to this. "I can take care of myself."
"I'm sure you can. I just... come here," she says, opening her arms to him, and he steps forward to allow his mother to hug him.
"It's my job to worry about you."
"I couldn't sleep," Kaga admits.
"Oh."
They're both quiet then, holding and being held. It's kind of nice, even if Kaga is in second grade and he doesn't need stuff like this anymore. At least, that's what he tells himself. He's practically a grown up. Then again, if being a grown up means being like his father, then he doesn't ever want to do it.
"Why does he hate me so much? Is it because of Go?" he asks finally. He's asked before, but she's always deflected, saying things like 'of course he doesn't hate you' and quickly distracting him to another topic. This time, though, she sighs. Kaga can feel her breath ruffle through his hair.
"I don't know."
+++
He's not sure when his father started drinking. It might've been before Kaga was even born for all he knows. What he IS sure of is that alcohol does something terrible to a person. His father is mean to begin with, there's no denying that. Every truly despicable thing the man has ever called Kaga has been when he was sober. But get some drinks in him and he gets violent. Unlike a lot of violent drunks, though, his favorite target isn't his spouse. Kaga Saburo goes after his son. The only time Kaga's mother gets hurt is when she tries to protect him.
Which, inevitably, she always does.
Kaga feels small and helpless after these drinking binges, watching his mother in front of the bathroom mirror carefully plastering on makeup to hide the bruises on her face and arms. He refuses, however, to let her put the coverup on him. He's a boy. He doesn't wear makeup.
It's probably contributed a great deal to his reputation as a trouble-maker even as a young boy.
The first time someone notices, really notices, Kaga is eight. His father had beaten the hell out of him a couple of nights previous, though thankfully nothing on his face this time. He's at school and they're changing into their sports uniforms when one of the other boys sees the marks on his back.
"Holy crap, you must've gotten in some fight."
For a heartbeat, Kaga freezes, wondering if the kid knows somehow, if he's going to get crap for this. Then he smirks, hiding any trace of anxiety. He can't be weak. He has to be strong, no matter what.
"You should see the other guy."
Kaga has always been arrogant, it's simply part of how his brain is wired, but it's at this point that it becomes more smoke and mirrors than anything else.
+++
When Kaga hits junior high, he does two things that piss off his father to no end: he joins the shougi club, renouncing any previous attachment to Go, and he starts working out obsessively. It's actually only the first that's deliberately meant to anger the old man. The second is really for his own peace of mind. He's always carried a lot of guilt about not being able to protect himself or his mother. Mostly his mother. He's determined that no one will ever hurt either of them again.
It doesn't quite work out that way, but it does make it harder for the old man to lay a hand on him. Eventually it only happens when Kaga's caught off guard or his father is exceptionally drunk and unpredictable. By then, though, he makes it a point to be at home as little as possible anyway. Anywhere but home.
He's thirteen when he discovers sex for the first time, with a girl that he's supposed to be researching a History project with, as if. A few weeks later, he tries the same same thing with a guy from his shop class. He finds that he doesn't really care about the particulars either way. As long as everyone involved gets off, it's all good to his mind.
Kaga gets a reputation for that, too.
+++
Somehow it comes as a shock when this particular aspect of his reputation bites him in the ass. He's seventeen. He's used to getting what he wants now, maybe a little too used to it, if the look on Tsutsui's face is any indication.
"What was that?" Tsutsui demands. He's bright red and pushing Kaga away to arms length.
Kaga smirks. "What, you live in a bubble or something?"
"No, of course I- I know..." he stammers, not finishing. "Why?"
"Because I wanted to?"
"But why? I'm not..."
Kaga ignores the hands still pushing him away and puts a hand on Tsutsui's arm.
"You're not what?"
"I'm not like that. I'm not someone you can just mess around with."
"Who says I'm messing around?"
He also ignores the little sound of protest and kisses Tsutsui again.
+++
Tsutsui looks like he wants to ask questions when he opens his bedroom window to let Kaga in, but he doesn't. He knows not to by now, like he seems to know that Kaga just needs this sometimes. Kaga kisses him hard and starts stripping. He doesn't talk, that's not how they play this- except when he pushes Tsutsui on his bed, Tsutsui gasps.
"What happened?"
"Shut up."
"Kaga!"
"What?"
"You're hurt!" Tsutsui says, reaching up to touch Kaga's chest
Kaga doesn't have to look. He knows that there's a bruise where the other boy's fingers linger.
"We're not talking about that."
Tsutsui frowns up at him, but doesn't continue to push the issue. Yes, Tsutsui knows better. Tsutsui is the only one that Kaga can be like this with. He's not sure exactly when that happened, but there it is. Kaga presses him down against the mattress and kisses him again, as if it will take away the pain for a little while.
It does. It always does.
+++
It's supposed to be one of the best days of his life. Kaga, somehow, has managed to pass everything he needs despite hardly ever being in school, preferring to study human anatomy over anything else. Instead, he watches in horror as his father stumbles into the graduation ceremony. Everyone turns to stare at him. Kaga would blush if he was prone to such things, but he does look away with a cringe. Tsutsui looks away from the spectacle and over at him with soft eyes. He takes Kaga's hand, their fingers intertwining, and Tsutsui smiles. He's graduating. He and Tsutsui are moving into an apartment together at the end of the week. He's an adult, dammit, his father can't hurt him anymore.
Kaga tries not to notice when the old man stumbles back out before his name is even called.
+++
They've been in their apartment for a few weeks now. It's... amazing. It's totally worth the crap his father spewed upon finding out that Kaga was going to be sharing a place with another man, totally worth the weird looks their landlord gives them sometimes, totally worth the fact that the apartment is ridiculously small and they're practically tripping over each other whenever one of them moves. This is worth it because it's them and Kaga has never been able to be like this before. It's like.... like he's home for the first time. Tsutsui would probably say that they're happy or something mushy like that, but Kaga's not sure. He's never really been that happy, so he has nothing to compare it to. He doesn't know what it's supposed to feel like.
He looks at Tsutsui sleeping next to him and can't help but smile. Happy? Maybe. He's not sure how he got so lucky, but he thinks he can deal with it.
"Fuckin' perfect," Kaga says against his cheek. He'll deny it if anyone ever found out about it, of course, but there's no harm in admitting it to himself, is there? Tsutsui is... kind of ridiculous sometimes, and kind of a geek, and maybe he blushes too much, but... if there's somebody that's absolutely fucking perfect for him and everything that he is, it's Tsutsui. Kind of funny how that's worked out.
Kaga wraps an arm around him and lets himself fall asleep, the rhythm of his breathing naturally matching with Tsutsui's. Yes, he could deal with this. He's home.