i hate my mind
i don't quite understand why my mind works like this.. its always looking for reason. its always looking for a structure to work with. there should always be a causality for everything that i experience.
its hard, especially when you try to comprehend something very subjective. its hard, especially when growing up is more about accepting things as they are and not really looking for the deep, articulate reasoning for our experiences.
i notice that i grow up in a slower than most people. i notice that can't really mature without having a revised, renewed structure of how to look at things in my mind.
i envy those people who just learn and mature from their experiences by taking their experiences as they are-->not needing detail, structure and reason to grow up from their experiences.
***
i've given myself a bad start this year trying to learn and move on from a past relationship. this is primarily because of my needing reason to move on from her. the thing that really gave me closure was a full understanding of what really happened between the two of us when i was able to talk to her face-to-face last august.
i'm thankful that i have moved on from her. i'm thankful that a lot of baggage has been removed from my heart. on the other hand, there's still a lot of mess to clean up. there's still a lot of things i need to fix which were the result of me trying to cope with the break-up.
a lot of things to fix about myself, a lot to clean up--from ruined friendships to my undesirable reputation as an unstable, emotional person. "fix me" as Coldplay would sing it-"fix myself" as i would say it.
***
i think i've grown up enough today to set into place a situation of redefining myself. redefining myself as someone who understands himself more, and also, someone who understands others in a very high degree.
i want that. i want that for myself. and the only thing that stops me from doing this faster is my mind who always 'vetoes' my emotional growth as a person.
push ansel! kaya mo yan!
its hard, especially when you try to comprehend something very subjective. its hard, especially when growing up is more about accepting things as they are and not really looking for the deep, articulate reasoning for our experiences.
i notice that i grow up in a slower than most people. i notice that can't really mature without having a revised, renewed structure of how to look at things in my mind.
i envy those people who just learn and mature from their experiences by taking their experiences as they are-->not needing detail, structure and reason to grow up from their experiences.
***
i've given myself a bad start this year trying to learn and move on from a past relationship. this is primarily because of my needing reason to move on from her. the thing that really gave me closure was a full understanding of what really happened between the two of us when i was able to talk to her face-to-face last august.
i'm thankful that i have moved on from her. i'm thankful that a lot of baggage has been removed from my heart. on the other hand, there's still a lot of mess to clean up. there's still a lot of things i need to fix which were the result of me trying to cope with the break-up.
a lot of things to fix about myself, a lot to clean up--from ruined friendships to my undesirable reputation as an unstable, emotional person. "fix me" as Coldplay would sing it-"fix myself" as i would say it.
***
i think i've grown up enough today to set into place a situation of redefining myself. redefining myself as someone who understands himself more, and also, someone who understands others in a very high degree.
i want that. i want that for myself. and the only thing that stops me from doing this faster is my mind who always 'vetoes' my emotional growth as a person.
push ansel! kaya mo yan!