Pondering
I'm feeling a little adrift. I don't have many friends, so this past week getting to help out some friends with a few things was a real joy, but those things ending for one reason and another was kind of a letdown, and made me realise how empty my life has become. Worse, I'm not sure what to fill it with. More friends? Sure. But true friends take time to develop (and IMO even longer to find! ;) ). I"m not the sort to open up and let everyone in immediately. I can have plenty of fun with people but not consider them part of my "inner circle" as it were. That's just how I am. Conversely, once you're in, you tend to stay in unless you earn an out. And on the other other hand, just because I don't talk to you for ages doesn't mean I've given up on you and have cast you to the outer darkness. Thankfully, most of my friends seem to understand that.
I"m also missing a special friend. More than a friend. A lover, a partner, that classic "someone to spend my life with." If I've learned one thing in the wake of a truly horrible 2005, it's that I've been very lonely. I gained and lost something very precious, and I'm afraid of it being a pattern. I've always been dubious of being able to attract a partner---girlfriend, actually---thanks to my being transgender. I'd hoped that my pre-op/non-op status would make me more palatable, but that hasn't proven to be the case. Otherwise, I feel I really do have a lot to offer a woman. I just don't know how to make women see that. It's all fine and good to say that one day the perfect woman will see past the surface to the true me blah blah, but that doesn't help. I can only gauge the future by what's happened in the past, and in that case, the outlook is pretty bleak. I refuse to go the route of some of my TG friends and insist that I will never find anyone ever; I don't believe it. I'm not even sure I could for very long. But, perhaps selfishly, I don't want to go through another 40 years alone, or even another 10---and that looks kinda likely from here.
Ironically, my work situation parallels my love life: I feel I have a lot to offer, and thus far all I've had are passes (not even the good kind of pass!). Admittedly, I'm not willing to go the typical American route and sacrifice my all in order to succeed in business; no business is more important than I am, and I will only sacrifice so much for a paycheck (or a fancy title or a parking space or a corner office or or or). But maybe that's the problem: maybe that comes across in my resume or my cover letter. Of course, now I'm sure part of the problem is that year-long hole in my work history. But that wasn't there last January. I'm also feeling way out of the loop as far as skills go now. I've been years out of the DTP trade, even longer out of a real-world IT situation. But those are the things I know best. They're also tough to do remedial work on reading out of a book. I'm thinking seriously about a career change, though I don't know to what. I'm applying for a lot of secretarial jobs though. (Isn't that the field every M2F transsexual goes into after she hits the bottom of her rope? Maybe it's easier to make a start in.)
Of course, I'm assuming that I'm doing something wrong, both in work and in love. If I'd done more of this or been more of that, I'd be working and in a relationship right now. And if I had a vagina I'd be a "real" girl and if I had wings I'd be a bat and if I were two feet taller I'd be a basketball player. There has to be something that the me I am right here and now can do about both of these problems. I'm just not sure what.
And quizzy goodness, just to show it's me. No comments on the results! :p
Your Social Dysfunction:
Schizotypal
You display social deficits and oddities of thinking. Your perception and communication are similar to those of a schizophrenic.
Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com
Please note that we aren't, nor do we claim to be, psychologists. This quiz is for fun and entertainment only. Try not to freak out about your results.
The Picto-Personality Test
You are a person who is incredibly tranquil and values peace above all else.
When alone, you are introspective. You constantly reflect on your life and the world.
You are romantic, and when you are with your partner you like to woo them with your imagination.
In the future you will be happy and live richly.
Take this Test at QuizGalaxy.com
I"m also missing a special friend. More than a friend. A lover, a partner, that classic "someone to spend my life with." If I've learned one thing in the wake of a truly horrible 2005, it's that I've been very lonely. I gained and lost something very precious, and I'm afraid of it being a pattern. I've always been dubious of being able to attract a partner---girlfriend, actually---thanks to my being transgender. I'd hoped that my pre-op/non-op status would make me more palatable, but that hasn't proven to be the case. Otherwise, I feel I really do have a lot to offer a woman. I just don't know how to make women see that. It's all fine and good to say that one day the perfect woman will see past the surface to the true me blah blah, but that doesn't help. I can only gauge the future by what's happened in the past, and in that case, the outlook is pretty bleak. I refuse to go the route of some of my TG friends and insist that I will never find anyone ever; I don't believe it. I'm not even sure I could for very long. But, perhaps selfishly, I don't want to go through another 40 years alone, or even another 10---and that looks kinda likely from here.
Ironically, my work situation parallels my love life: I feel I have a lot to offer, and thus far all I've had are passes (not even the good kind of pass!). Admittedly, I'm not willing to go the typical American route and sacrifice my all in order to succeed in business; no business is more important than I am, and I will only sacrifice so much for a paycheck (or a fancy title or a parking space or a corner office or or or). But maybe that's the problem: maybe that comes across in my resume or my cover letter. Of course, now I'm sure part of the problem is that year-long hole in my work history. But that wasn't there last January. I'm also feeling way out of the loop as far as skills go now. I've been years out of the DTP trade, even longer out of a real-world IT situation. But those are the things I know best. They're also tough to do remedial work on reading out of a book. I'm thinking seriously about a career change, though I don't know to what. I'm applying for a lot of secretarial jobs though. (Isn't that the field every M2F transsexual goes into after she hits the bottom of her rope? Maybe it's easier to make a start in.)
Of course, I'm assuming that I'm doing something wrong, both in work and in love. If I'd done more of this or been more of that, I'd be working and in a relationship right now. And if I had a vagina I'd be a "real" girl and if I had wings I'd be a bat and if I were two feet taller I'd be a basketball player. There has to be something that the me I am right here and now can do about both of these problems. I'm just not sure what.
And quizzy goodness, just to show it's me. No comments on the results! :p
Your Social Dysfunction:
Schizotypal
You display social deficits and oddities of thinking. Your perception and communication are similar to those of a schizophrenic.
Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com
Please note that we aren't, nor do we claim to be, psychologists. This quiz is for fun and entertainment only. Try not to freak out about your results.
The Picto-Personality Test
You are a person who is incredibly tranquil and values peace above all else.
When alone, you are introspective. You constantly reflect on your life and the world.
You are romantic, and when you are with your partner you like to woo them with your imagination.
In the future you will be happy and live richly.
Take this Test at QuizGalaxy.com