(no subject)
The last few days have been quite out of the ordinary. I tend to involve myself in these cycles. What I mean is I find myself, more often than not, repeating certain mistakes over and over again. Take Lawson for example. Lawson and I first met four years ago. He pledged the same fraternity as one of my friends. I thought he was cute and we wound up making out but long story short he wasn't interested in anything more than friendship. We did become very good friends and spend quite a lot of time together. This is where things get a little complicated. I started to have feelings for Lawson a long time ago. But they vary and sometimes go away completely. I've dated several guys and had two very serious boyfriends since Lawson and I became friends. But for some reason i always go back to him. When Will and i broke up the first person I called and the first place I went was straight to Lawson. And even though it was about 7:30 in the morning he let me come over and sleep/cry in his arms all day.
I tried to talk to Lawson about my feelings last summer and the response was (direct quote) "Do we really have to go through this again?" I was heart broken. No one has ever said anything so mean to me in my life. Its not easy for me to express feelings so being so insensitively shot down like that killed me. I cried and cried and swore i'd never speak to him again. But, alas, because of this cycle, i always do. I always forgive him, i always go back to him.
I am not free of blame though either. Every time i start to have feelings for him I revert to a defense mechanism. I get angry. I pick a fight, get pissed off, and storm out. It's so annoying and as soon as I get to the car I always feel stupid and know that I'm acting like a 2 year old, but at the point I realize this it's too late and I'm too stubborn to go back. So I drive off completely deflated.
I finally had enough. I got so sick and tired of seeing how he treats people who used to be his friends, people who are his friends, and me. Granted it was probably more so the beer talking than me, but when we left Tucks I lost it. I got angry and yelled at him in the street and cried. I drove him to his house but he didn't get out of the car. We just sat there. I told him I cared about him a lot, just how much he hurt me last summer, and that I would do anything for him. I was tired of our friendship. I was tired of feeling miserable and putting myself in that position all the time. I finally stood up for myself and it felt so great. Like an enormous weight was being lifted. And guess what he said. His reaction to all this was that he loves me. He said I love you. I'm pretty sure my heart stopped. Tears rolled down my cheek and the Earth quit turning. I love him too. And right now as i'm typing this and every time I think about him i get chills and goose bumps.
The only thing i dont understand and someone please tell me if this is a major red flag. I asked him when he knew he loved me. His reply that he knew that we loved each other last summer. What i dont understand, is why he didn't tell me then. Why did was he so mean to me? If he knew that we loved each other why didn't he tell me. Why did he let me become so frustrated. What if i had followed through and never spoken to him again. I guess these are questions that i shouldn't ask. I'm sure he doesn't have a logical answer. All i can assume is that the timing just wasn't right. And timing is very important. So for now, anyway, i'm going to leave these questions right here and be happy.
So, take a deep breath. Where to now?? He and I are so comfortable and we tell each other everything already. It doesn't have the excitement of a new relationship. Its better. It has the trust of best friends and the chemistry we've had since that first night we met four years ago. I've always believed that everything happens for a reason. I guess none of my other relationships have worked out thus far because I had already found one that could a long time ago. I can't believe this is finally working out. It feels so good.
I guess the only thing i have to worry about now is just how hurt I'm going to be if this doesn't work out. But I guess this is something that i shouldn't worry about. One of my goals is to learn to live life one day at a time. I worry too much and analyze everything. I want this to work. I want to be done. I want to move on to the next stage of my life. And I want it to be with Lawson. Wow is it possible that this "wild thing" has finally been tamed?? Have i been taken out of this cage that Paul talks about right before he throws the ring at Holly?? Who knows.
Enough blogging for now... - all my love, Amanda
I tried to talk to Lawson about my feelings last summer and the response was (direct quote) "Do we really have to go through this again?" I was heart broken. No one has ever said anything so mean to me in my life. Its not easy for me to express feelings so being so insensitively shot down like that killed me. I cried and cried and swore i'd never speak to him again. But, alas, because of this cycle, i always do. I always forgive him, i always go back to him.
I am not free of blame though either. Every time i start to have feelings for him I revert to a defense mechanism. I get angry. I pick a fight, get pissed off, and storm out. It's so annoying and as soon as I get to the car I always feel stupid and know that I'm acting like a 2 year old, but at the point I realize this it's too late and I'm too stubborn to go back. So I drive off completely deflated.
I finally had enough. I got so sick and tired of seeing how he treats people who used to be his friends, people who are his friends, and me. Granted it was probably more so the beer talking than me, but when we left Tucks I lost it. I got angry and yelled at him in the street and cried. I drove him to his house but he didn't get out of the car. We just sat there. I told him I cared about him a lot, just how much he hurt me last summer, and that I would do anything for him. I was tired of our friendship. I was tired of feeling miserable and putting myself in that position all the time. I finally stood up for myself and it felt so great. Like an enormous weight was being lifted. And guess what he said. His reaction to all this was that he loves me. He said I love you. I'm pretty sure my heart stopped. Tears rolled down my cheek and the Earth quit turning. I love him too. And right now as i'm typing this and every time I think about him i get chills and goose bumps.
The only thing i dont understand and someone please tell me if this is a major red flag. I asked him when he knew he loved me. His reply that he knew that we loved each other last summer. What i dont understand, is why he didn't tell me then. Why did was he so mean to me? If he knew that we loved each other why didn't he tell me. Why did he let me become so frustrated. What if i had followed through and never spoken to him again. I guess these are questions that i shouldn't ask. I'm sure he doesn't have a logical answer. All i can assume is that the timing just wasn't right. And timing is very important. So for now, anyway, i'm going to leave these questions right here and be happy.
So, take a deep breath. Where to now?? He and I are so comfortable and we tell each other everything already. It doesn't have the excitement of a new relationship. Its better. It has the trust of best friends and the chemistry we've had since that first night we met four years ago. I've always believed that everything happens for a reason. I guess none of my other relationships have worked out thus far because I had already found one that could a long time ago. I can't believe this is finally working out. It feels so good.
I guess the only thing i have to worry about now is just how hurt I'm going to be if this doesn't work out. But I guess this is something that i shouldn't worry about. One of my goals is to learn to live life one day at a time. I worry too much and analyze everything. I want this to work. I want to be done. I want to move on to the next stage of my life. And I want it to be with Lawson. Wow is it possible that this "wild thing" has finally been tamed?? Have i been taken out of this cage that Paul talks about right before he throws the ring at Holly?? Who knows.
Enough blogging for now... - all my love, Amanda