On A Pale Horse…
A little nod to one of Piers Anthony’s books in the Incarnation of Immortality series… The book is about Death and a guy who gets caught up in being forced to be a Grim Reaper… Yeah, I loved this book.
This past weekend I went to a gathering in Ohio and I decided to drive since the plane tickets were either stupid expensive and I’d have to fly in a day early thereby spending an extra night on a hotel or miss the first day entirely. If I wanted cheaper tickets I would be subjected to flying out to Texas or Denver and back in to Ohio and take at least 12 to 14 hours to complete the trip with a still expensive plane ticket and needing to rent a car thereafter. I’m such a priss… So I decided to drive.
Google had me at 9.5 hours of actual driving and AAA TripTik, which is my new favorite thing, had me at 8 hours 40 minutes, guess which I chose. I decided my poor Jeep was a bit tired and since I was unable to get my oil changed and my heater/air conditioner fan fixed before I needed to leave, probably best to put the miles on a rental. They gave me a silver Chevy Malibu… There were internal jokes of “Malibu Gothy” going through my head throughout the drive. Hey, gotta entertain myself with something… I called it “Hi-Ho Silver”. Again, boredom…
Upon my return home, “Hi-Ho Silver” changed to “Pale Horse” when I accidently hit a squirrel, also when I stopped for coffee and found my entire grill and bumper had been covered in bug guts splatter to the point I looked like a mass bug murderer…
Let’s revisit the poor squirrel seeing as it was somewhat traumatizing in a few ways… First, I felt so bad. I screamed when he ran on to the highway and tried to line up my tires so he would go between the tires since I was unable to swerve safely as he was too far out in to the road. It was so fast and there was maybe 3 seconds of reaction time, not even enough to effectively slam on the breaks, not to mention the traffic behind me may hit me. If he had stayed still, he would have been fine; shaken up but OK... There is a point when you are driving that your front blinds what you are directly coming up on and you have no idea if he moved or stayed. I kept chanting, “Oh sweet baby, oh honey, stay still, hold on,” but I reached the point of no return and prayed he’d get through the other side then scurry back to the side and the trees. I then heard the thuds and saw his lifeless body tumble to the side of the road in my rear view mirror and I went oddly numb.
Normally this would have had me burst out in to tears and the final 2.5 hours of the drive would be spent cursing myself for not being able to do more to prevent hitting him. Instead, I sat stunned while I processed what just happened and then I recited a prayer, apologized for accidentally taking his life, and I moved on.
In the past when I have accidently hit creatures, my whole day is ruined because I know I took the last of that creature’s days and I feel badly about that. But I was almost cold about the whole thing, too cold in my response to my liking. I wanted to be upset more, to grieve more, be angry at myself more. But I realized these things do me no good. It was not my fault it ran out in to the road. It wasn’t like I went driving through the forest and hunted it down and ran it over. Mourning the loss of the squirrel, I have no personal experience with this squirrel beyond those few seconds and I realized this was just a part in the Divine Order. If I had not hit it, it was playing around in the highway and someone else would have almost surely gotten him. What purpose would it serve to be angry at myself for something I tried my best to prevent? Nothing. I could not safely stop to respectfully move it to the side of the road and I did feel badly that it may become flattened over the next few hours which would be rush hour, but again, what can I do? Perhaps it is a sign of growth that I only took on my share of the responsibility for this unfortunate incident and not the entire responsibility…
But I was a bit surprised by my reaction and I am unsure how to feel about it. I guess for now I will feel that this was the squirrel’s time to pass, unfortunately I was the instrument in making that occur, but I did what I could to prevent what seemed the inevitable. I shall also feel that my lack of excessive emotion is a sign of growth and a healthy way of dealing with an unfortunate situation and I owe nothing more than a sincere apology and a respectful reciting of a prayer for a quick transition. I pray that I hit him hard and most impacting that it killed him instantly as opposed to letting him suffer. If he had to die, I hope it was very swift…
Pale Horse was turned back in to the rental agency this morning. I shall let them have the pleasure of scrubbing off the evidence of my mass bug murdering spree… One of them even flew in and pinged me on the head when I had the windows rolled down on the highway… And no, I don’t mourn their passing at all and don’t feel guilty in any way for hitting them… I will need to contemplate this more. No one life is better than the others, we all have rights to life, yet I am put off by the fact that I did not get upset enough at killing one squirrel and I feel no guilt at all for not even feeling slightly bad that I killed dozens of bugs. I think I need to do some adjusting here because life is life…
Hmmmmm….. I’ll get back to this one in a bit. I’ll also write more directly about the gathering I attended this past weekend and some inspirations and experiences I had there, in a little while.
This past weekend I went to a gathering in Ohio and I decided to drive since the plane tickets were either stupid expensive and I’d have to fly in a day early thereby spending an extra night on a hotel or miss the first day entirely. If I wanted cheaper tickets I would be subjected to flying out to Texas or Denver and back in to Ohio and take at least 12 to 14 hours to complete the trip with a still expensive plane ticket and needing to rent a car thereafter. I’m such a priss… So I decided to drive.
Google had me at 9.5 hours of actual driving and AAA TripTik, which is my new favorite thing, had me at 8 hours 40 minutes, guess which I chose. I decided my poor Jeep was a bit tired and since I was unable to get my oil changed and my heater/air conditioner fan fixed before I needed to leave, probably best to put the miles on a rental. They gave me a silver Chevy Malibu… There were internal jokes of “Malibu Gothy” going through my head throughout the drive. Hey, gotta entertain myself with something… I called it “Hi-Ho Silver”. Again, boredom…
Upon my return home, “Hi-Ho Silver” changed to “Pale Horse” when I accidently hit a squirrel, also when I stopped for coffee and found my entire grill and bumper had been covered in bug guts splatter to the point I looked like a mass bug murderer…
Let’s revisit the poor squirrel seeing as it was somewhat traumatizing in a few ways… First, I felt so bad. I screamed when he ran on to the highway and tried to line up my tires so he would go between the tires since I was unable to swerve safely as he was too far out in to the road. It was so fast and there was maybe 3 seconds of reaction time, not even enough to effectively slam on the breaks, not to mention the traffic behind me may hit me. If he had stayed still, he would have been fine; shaken up but OK... There is a point when you are driving that your front blinds what you are directly coming up on and you have no idea if he moved or stayed. I kept chanting, “Oh sweet baby, oh honey, stay still, hold on,” but I reached the point of no return and prayed he’d get through the other side then scurry back to the side and the trees. I then heard the thuds and saw his lifeless body tumble to the side of the road in my rear view mirror and I went oddly numb.
Normally this would have had me burst out in to tears and the final 2.5 hours of the drive would be spent cursing myself for not being able to do more to prevent hitting him. Instead, I sat stunned while I processed what just happened and then I recited a prayer, apologized for accidentally taking his life, and I moved on.
In the past when I have accidently hit creatures, my whole day is ruined because I know I took the last of that creature’s days and I feel badly about that. But I was almost cold about the whole thing, too cold in my response to my liking. I wanted to be upset more, to grieve more, be angry at myself more. But I realized these things do me no good. It was not my fault it ran out in to the road. It wasn’t like I went driving through the forest and hunted it down and ran it over. Mourning the loss of the squirrel, I have no personal experience with this squirrel beyond those few seconds and I realized this was just a part in the Divine Order. If I had not hit it, it was playing around in the highway and someone else would have almost surely gotten him. What purpose would it serve to be angry at myself for something I tried my best to prevent? Nothing. I could not safely stop to respectfully move it to the side of the road and I did feel badly that it may become flattened over the next few hours which would be rush hour, but again, what can I do? Perhaps it is a sign of growth that I only took on my share of the responsibility for this unfortunate incident and not the entire responsibility…
But I was a bit surprised by my reaction and I am unsure how to feel about it. I guess for now I will feel that this was the squirrel’s time to pass, unfortunately I was the instrument in making that occur, but I did what I could to prevent what seemed the inevitable. I shall also feel that my lack of excessive emotion is a sign of growth and a healthy way of dealing with an unfortunate situation and I owe nothing more than a sincere apology and a respectful reciting of a prayer for a quick transition. I pray that I hit him hard and most impacting that it killed him instantly as opposed to letting him suffer. If he had to die, I hope it was very swift…
Pale Horse was turned back in to the rental agency this morning. I shall let them have the pleasure of scrubbing off the evidence of my mass bug murdering spree… One of them even flew in and pinged me on the head when I had the windows rolled down on the highway… And no, I don’t mourn their passing at all and don’t feel guilty in any way for hitting them… I will need to contemplate this more. No one life is better than the others, we all have rights to life, yet I am put off by the fact that I did not get upset enough at killing one squirrel and I feel no guilt at all for not even feeling slightly bad that I killed dozens of bugs. I think I need to do some adjusting here because life is life…
Hmmmmm….. I’ll get back to this one in a bit. I’ll also write more directly about the gathering I attended this past weekend and some inspirations and experiences I had there, in a little while.