(no subject)
Well, i really have no other place to spill my thoughts, so here i am writing in my livejournal.
it's been awhile.
i've started to look at the world differently since the break up. My complete ambivalence to the situation has increased my anxiety dramatically. i find myself spending long nights staring at things, wishing she would come back. Probably the thing i hate the most is her tone of voice when she talks about emotions. Everything sounds so permanent, so settled. i lie to myself every day by thinking that i could get her back. She has made her choice and is completely happy, living the life i wish i had. Sometimes i feel that the whole group of friends basically replaced me with her. i suppose this is what i deserve for drifting so badly.
However, among the bad, there is good. i found myself expressing excitement over a phone call - something i can never remember doing. My attitude over what is important has changed, and i have woken up from my apathetic slumber.
My first true love, my first true heartbreak.
i hate holding back my feelings, realizing that the life that she has now is far better than it was when she was with me. i agonize over their every encounter, wondering what the life i could of had might have been like. But it's over... i've lost her, and i have to realize that nothing i do can change the way she feels about me. My horrible actions have created an irrevocable decision in her mind, and i feel like the harder i try, the more likely she is to drift from me.
The music on the radio and at Coldstone definitely doesn't help, with every other song explaining or exacerbating my mental situation further. The song by the Cars called "My Best Friend's Girl" comes to mind, although i dont particularly like the style of that song.
The worst feeling is the emptiness. With only a few friends that will still call me a friend, my life seems pointless until January. And i have a horrible feeling that moving to Florida will probably make me feel worse.
Needless to say, i hate when beautiful situations change, but the only person to blame for change is myself.
i wish i could tell her everything... everything i feel, think, or experience. However, i can not. i've discovered that the best way to ease her pain is to ignore the pain that burns my soul.
Now i find myself longing for the days when her heart would leap when she saw me, when she would call just to make sure nothing was wrong, when she would kiss me and look into my eyes and tell me that no one else could make her this happy.
Sorrowfully, those times are over, and will never happen again.
The only word to describe my feelings isnt in English, but it's the Polish word tesknota, which exemplifies extreme nostalgia mixed with sorrow and longing.
Yes, tesknota has consumed me for the moment, and it will be imbedded in my soul until my heart's final pump.
i wish that if he wants to call her the prettiest girl in the world, he would at least spell it right. Reading old entries (i.e. Thanksgiving), i can hardly believe i thanked him for being a true friend and sticking to what he knows is right. At least it's not his fault.
sigh.
it's been awhile.
i've started to look at the world differently since the break up. My complete ambivalence to the situation has increased my anxiety dramatically. i find myself spending long nights staring at things, wishing she would come back. Probably the thing i hate the most is her tone of voice when she talks about emotions. Everything sounds so permanent, so settled. i lie to myself every day by thinking that i could get her back. She has made her choice and is completely happy, living the life i wish i had. Sometimes i feel that the whole group of friends basically replaced me with her. i suppose this is what i deserve for drifting so badly.
However, among the bad, there is good. i found myself expressing excitement over a phone call - something i can never remember doing. My attitude over what is important has changed, and i have woken up from my apathetic slumber.
My first true love, my first true heartbreak.
i hate holding back my feelings, realizing that the life that she has now is far better than it was when she was with me. i agonize over their every encounter, wondering what the life i could of had might have been like. But it's over... i've lost her, and i have to realize that nothing i do can change the way she feels about me. My horrible actions have created an irrevocable decision in her mind, and i feel like the harder i try, the more likely she is to drift from me.
The music on the radio and at Coldstone definitely doesn't help, with every other song explaining or exacerbating my mental situation further. The song by the Cars called "My Best Friend's Girl" comes to mind, although i dont particularly like the style of that song.
The worst feeling is the emptiness. With only a few friends that will still call me a friend, my life seems pointless until January. And i have a horrible feeling that moving to Florida will probably make me feel worse.
Needless to say, i hate when beautiful situations change, but the only person to blame for change is myself.
i wish i could tell her everything... everything i feel, think, or experience. However, i can not. i've discovered that the best way to ease her pain is to ignore the pain that burns my soul.
Now i find myself longing for the days when her heart would leap when she saw me, when she would call just to make sure nothing was wrong, when she would kiss me and look into my eyes and tell me that no one else could make her this happy.
Sorrowfully, those times are over, and will never happen again.
The only word to describe my feelings isnt in English, but it's the Polish word tesknota, which exemplifies extreme nostalgia mixed with sorrow and longing.
Yes, tesknota has consumed me for the moment, and it will be imbedded in my soul until my heart's final pump.
i wish that if he wants to call her the prettiest girl in the world, he would at least spell it right. Reading old entries (i.e. Thanksgiving), i can hardly believe i thanked him for being a true friend and sticking to what he knows is right. At least it's not his fault.
sigh.