Closing A Goddamned Door
This is the last entry I will dedicate to this subject matter within this journal.
Faith never did end up coming to the MCA gig last Friday. First I received a few lame excuse text messages telling me something came up. I tried calling her once during the event, but she never picked up.
I later found out that she spent the weekend with (shockingly) her ex boyfriend. Coincidentally, by Monday they were back together. She's also been avoiding speaking to me all week. Also a coincidence, I'm sure. That's that.
It's time to end this shit.
I think I've spent more than enough time over the past few months, particularly recently, agonizing, bitching, and whining about the three headed monster known as Kristin, Klaudia, and Faith. I dedicated way too much of these last few months trying to either get in these women's pants, or trying to make myself appealing enough to have a relationship with.
Its taken me a lot of time, but I realize right now that none of these women at any point, were the right type for me. I suppose that's not entirely true though, I realized that long ago. But I deluded myself into thinking differently. Maybe it was because I'm a pretty lonely guy overall or something else, but whatever reason, facts are facts.
When I look at it...it seems silly. I mean, mentally, being with Klaudia would always be dangrous, seeing her penchant for attacking people with knives during self-induced panic attacks. Too many meds, too much mental shit, and just an overall pissy attitude.
Being with Kristin would mean always wondering and worrying about her faithfulness. She sleeps around and cheats. She also is a spoiled brat, and a gold digger. She uses people for attention. Frankly, I wonder how many STDs she has at this point.
Of these three, Faith's the one I feel the most pity for. I do think she's a nice girl, and if she and I had gone out I could have gotten over her flake-like behaviors. But she's got serious codependency issues, and I could never stay with someone like that. At the same time I don't think that'll be a problem, because if she continues her pace with this ex she's been back with 3-4 times, she's going to be 30 years old and in a miserable, abusive marriage with the guy and their four kids.
If I had gone about things differently, I could have either had sex or had a relationship with one or all of these women. Thankfully, I didn't. Now I realize, that I'm too good for any of them. Its their loss, not mine.
They lose in more ways than one though. Another thing I spent way too much time on with them is being their shoulder to cry on. I'm not Kristin's fucking voice of reason. I'm not Klaudia's therapist. I blame myself partially, for being an enabler. I know I'm generally a good listener, but I went way too far for them. Once more, I'm cutting that line now. If they want to remain friends, they'll have to come up with something more to talk to me about besides their own fucked up love lives.
It's true that I'd have liked to find happiness and a relationship, or even someone to hook up with. But I want it to be on my terms, and I want it to be with someone who makes me happy. Not someone who drives me nuts or causes me frustration with their goddamned games.
I appreciate the advice some of you have tried to give me throughout this process, I know you meant well. However, I think the advice was wrong. Not in theory or in principle, but for me personally.
I don't need your John Waynes. I don't need to just find someone and nail them. I don't need to complain or whine further about any potential lack of success. I am going to find someone who deserves me. There will be no dog and pony show, no fucking games.
She's going to be a lucky woman too, because she'll be with such a great guy.
Faith never did end up coming to the MCA gig last Friday. First I received a few lame excuse text messages telling me something came up. I tried calling her once during the event, but she never picked up.
I later found out that she spent the weekend with (shockingly) her ex boyfriend. Coincidentally, by Monday they were back together. She's also been avoiding speaking to me all week. Also a coincidence, I'm sure. That's that.
It's time to end this shit.
I think I've spent more than enough time over the past few months, particularly recently, agonizing, bitching, and whining about the three headed monster known as Kristin, Klaudia, and Faith. I dedicated way too much of these last few months trying to either get in these women's pants, or trying to make myself appealing enough to have a relationship with.
Its taken me a lot of time, but I realize right now that none of these women at any point, were the right type for me. I suppose that's not entirely true though, I realized that long ago. But I deluded myself into thinking differently. Maybe it was because I'm a pretty lonely guy overall or something else, but whatever reason, facts are facts.
When I look at it...it seems silly. I mean, mentally, being with Klaudia would always be dangrous, seeing her penchant for attacking people with knives during self-induced panic attacks. Too many meds, too much mental shit, and just an overall pissy attitude.
Being with Kristin would mean always wondering and worrying about her faithfulness. She sleeps around and cheats. She also is a spoiled brat, and a gold digger. She uses people for attention. Frankly, I wonder how many STDs she has at this point.
Of these three, Faith's the one I feel the most pity for. I do think she's a nice girl, and if she and I had gone out I could have gotten over her flake-like behaviors. But she's got serious codependency issues, and I could never stay with someone like that. At the same time I don't think that'll be a problem, because if she continues her pace with this ex she's been back with 3-4 times, she's going to be 30 years old and in a miserable, abusive marriage with the guy and their four kids.
If I had gone about things differently, I could have either had sex or had a relationship with one or all of these women. Thankfully, I didn't. Now I realize, that I'm too good for any of them. Its their loss, not mine.
They lose in more ways than one though. Another thing I spent way too much time on with them is being their shoulder to cry on. I'm not Kristin's fucking voice of reason. I'm not Klaudia's therapist. I blame myself partially, for being an enabler. I know I'm generally a good listener, but I went way too far for them. Once more, I'm cutting that line now. If they want to remain friends, they'll have to come up with something more to talk to me about besides their own fucked up love lives.
It's true that I'd have liked to find happiness and a relationship, or even someone to hook up with. But I want it to be on my terms, and I want it to be with someone who makes me happy. Not someone who drives me nuts or causes me frustration with their goddamned games.
I appreciate the advice some of you have tried to give me throughout this process, I know you meant well. However, I think the advice was wrong. Not in theory or in principle, but for me personally.
I don't need your John Waynes. I don't need to just find someone and nail them. I don't need to complain or whine further about any potential lack of success. I am going to find someone who deserves me. There will be no dog and pony show, no fucking games.
She's going to be a lucky woman too, because she'll be with such a great guy.