My rational friend
"Long time since I needed one of these.
Can't sleep.
I keep intermittently feeling something, whether it be regret, guilt, loss or even nostalgia.
I do miss him you know. Despite never being the very best lover (and what man can ever live up to a girl's long thought-over notions of romance and love?), he was my greatest friend.
For the last few years I've been safe. That's what's helped me to develop. I was safe in the knowledge that I had someone dear and close. He listened. Yes, sometimes more subtly than I liked at the time, but he really did listen, and in my heart I'm clinging onto the hope that he really believed he loved me - whether he actually did or not is irrelevant.
I'm glad this time it's me that gets to be lonely. Last time I pulled away I left him with nothing and hurt him so bad, perhaps, in fact, ultimately leading us both into the current state in which we find ourselves.
As much as I wish he could be with me.. given that that is not an option, at least he's not alone. And I'm not trying to be humble, for some reason I genuinely feel that. Which in itself makes me happy. It means that although on the surface I pretend him to be mean and deceitful, trying to explain his actions and justify my decision to leave him; that actually he is still a great man in my heart and mind. Which in turn means I haven't wasted four years of my teenage life (my most influential and memorable years) on loving a monster. It means he deserved all the love he had from me and all the love he receives now (regardless of where that comes from.)
It's a shame.
That's what makes it so sad. It's a shame to have to close the book on such a great part of my life. But I have to do it at some point. Save my sanity. I'm not the girl I once was. The one who would take any moments of pain for moments of magnificent happiness and contentment.
Now, and on a rather shallow level, I'd just prefer to be comfortable and settled. I won't feel pain, no, but I'll miss those great feelings that parallel it.
Feeling as I do now has suddenly hit me with the realisation that I've been living in a bubble. I do not know at which point I stepped into this bubble, but it's been a while since I've been so receptive to the world.
I'm hurting so much, but at the same time, revelling in music; in the cold breeze caressing me through the open window. Basking in the faint luminescence of night-time.
I haven't experienced the harshness of the world in a while, but in the same moment I haven't been aware of the incredible beauty I'm a part of. I forgot what magic was around me.
I've missed it.
Its true. A door closes, another opens.
Such is the interplay of life. And I adore it.
I regret nothing but that it ended.
It's an odd experience when in a convulsion of tears a smile can break out.
I miss him so much. But he needs something more settled. Something less confusing. Too many options can tear a man's soul in two.
Maybe that's what I did to him.
Maybe this other will patch him up. Save him.
Oh dear. Just be glad this experience has reminded you that the girl of 15 is still you. That you still retain the naivety and innocence that can see the good in things. It means that you have not been overwhelmed by badness. That "the devil", or whatever power that may be, has not tempted you into a life of bitterness and self-pity.
Accept the realisation this moment offers. Like the moment at which he realised Vicky was his one... you have to realise you are not the one. However disagreeable the thought may be.
He may not know it, but Vicky is his one.
He has strayed, and may continue to do so, but one piece of his heart is untouchable and untakeable. That part belongs wholly to her. It's such a shame that neither of them see it.
You can see it in the moments of fear he felt when there was the good chance she would walk away. He was so afraid remember?
I knwo you're worried that because he eternally holds a large part of your heart, it will be difficult to find someone who can love you forever and accept that a part of your soul will not be accessible. But you will find such a saint. Promise.
So no worries.
Cry for goodness sake, yes, but don't fret that you may have just thrown away your only source of true friendship and happiness.
He was such a good friend wasn't he?
He could care enough for the world.
It's a shame that he holds himself in such low esteem.
He is capable of so much. And he can love so much. That shouldn't be marked as a flaw, as much as it hurts.
The flaw is in you.
Your wanting him exclusively.
There lies the badness. The problem.
You can't have him back.
Don't try for this one.
You threw him away.
Let him be now."
Can't sleep.
I keep intermittently feeling something, whether it be regret, guilt, loss or even nostalgia.
I do miss him you know. Despite never being the very best lover (and what man can ever live up to a girl's long thought-over notions of romance and love?), he was my greatest friend.
For the last few years I've been safe. That's what's helped me to develop. I was safe in the knowledge that I had someone dear and close. He listened. Yes, sometimes more subtly than I liked at the time, but he really did listen, and in my heart I'm clinging onto the hope that he really believed he loved me - whether he actually did or not is irrelevant.
I'm glad this time it's me that gets to be lonely. Last time I pulled away I left him with nothing and hurt him so bad, perhaps, in fact, ultimately leading us both into the current state in which we find ourselves.
As much as I wish he could be with me.. given that that is not an option, at least he's not alone. And I'm not trying to be humble, for some reason I genuinely feel that. Which in itself makes me happy. It means that although on the surface I pretend him to be mean and deceitful, trying to explain his actions and justify my decision to leave him; that actually he is still a great man in my heart and mind. Which in turn means I haven't wasted four years of my teenage life (my most influential and memorable years) on loving a monster. It means he deserved all the love he had from me and all the love he receives now (regardless of where that comes from.)
It's a shame.
That's what makes it so sad. It's a shame to have to close the book on such a great part of my life. But I have to do it at some point. Save my sanity. I'm not the girl I once was. The one who would take any moments of pain for moments of magnificent happiness and contentment.
Now, and on a rather shallow level, I'd just prefer to be comfortable and settled. I won't feel pain, no, but I'll miss those great feelings that parallel it.
Feeling as I do now has suddenly hit me with the realisation that I've been living in a bubble. I do not know at which point I stepped into this bubble, but it's been a while since I've been so receptive to the world.
I'm hurting so much, but at the same time, revelling in music; in the cold breeze caressing me through the open window. Basking in the faint luminescence of night-time.
I haven't experienced the harshness of the world in a while, but in the same moment I haven't been aware of the incredible beauty I'm a part of. I forgot what magic was around me.
I've missed it.
Its true. A door closes, another opens.
Such is the interplay of life. And I adore it.
I regret nothing but that it ended.
It's an odd experience when in a convulsion of tears a smile can break out.
I miss him so much. But he needs something more settled. Something less confusing. Too many options can tear a man's soul in two.
Maybe that's what I did to him.
Maybe this other will patch him up. Save him.
Oh dear. Just be glad this experience has reminded you that the girl of 15 is still you. That you still retain the naivety and innocence that can see the good in things. It means that you have not been overwhelmed by badness. That "the devil", or whatever power that may be, has not tempted you into a life of bitterness and self-pity.
Accept the realisation this moment offers. Like the moment at which he realised Vicky was his one... you have to realise you are not the one. However disagreeable the thought may be.
He may not know it, but Vicky is his one.
He has strayed, and may continue to do so, but one piece of his heart is untouchable and untakeable. That part belongs wholly to her. It's such a shame that neither of them see it.
You can see it in the moments of fear he felt when there was the good chance she would walk away. He was so afraid remember?
I knwo you're worried that because he eternally holds a large part of your heart, it will be difficult to find someone who can love you forever and accept that a part of your soul will not be accessible. But you will find such a saint. Promise.
So no worries.
Cry for goodness sake, yes, but don't fret that you may have just thrown away your only source of true friendship and happiness.
He was such a good friend wasn't he?
He could care enough for the world.
It's a shame that he holds himself in such low esteem.
He is capable of so much. And he can love so much. That shouldn't be marked as a flaw, as much as it hurts.
The flaw is in you.
Your wanting him exclusively.
There lies the badness. The problem.
You can't have him back.
Don't try for this one.
You threw him away.
Let him be now."