(no subject)
the sun is setting. I'm in a bar on the 12th floor of my hotel. I'm playing marriage counselor to what is relatively a complete stranger. I'm trying to find the lowest common denominator. I'm good at that. We're connected because he's in front of my camera lens. He's a relatively simple man , Italian, middle aged trying to reunite with his ex-wife making the best out of a dead end job with lots of promise. I really wish I was alone somewhere eating steamed lobster and clams and all the fruits Maine has to offer, but instead I'm here in this moment.
Earlier on in the day we went to mall. I drove, in effort to entertain him and pass the time, I grew disoriented and low. at times I almost felt like I might be on the verge of a good cry. At some point I turned away to gather myself, only to be caught off guard by a life size poster of Clinton and Stacy the host for our show "What Not to Wear" prominently displayed inviting would be customers into the Discovery Store. In my head bells went off and silently I asked myself, " What the fuck am I doing?" Its strange seeing a life size poster of someone you work with.
A tall Russian woman walks across the bar, I recognize her as model. She is with her infant daughter, and significantly older husband. He is bald, short and muscular, a silver hoop earring in both ears, not a man I would want to cross or anger. She turned and looked at me straight in the eye and held longer to the point that it became an uncomfortable gaze. i looked back at first remembering the fear of russians I was taught as child, that far away look of distance and world domination in her eyes. She kept her gaze and I began to misinterpret it at first at desire or lust, but then came to understand as a cry for help. I left our conversation between he and I. I apologized for forgetting what I was about to say. He made crude comments deducted from his inaccurate observations, failing to see a deeper connection between those among the lost. I tucked the moment away and came back to the misery of my current situation. All the while playing the other, knowing that tomorrow he'll return home only to be suprised and become a small part of syndicated TV.
My wife calls later on in the evening. I try to explain the events of the day, and how disoriented I am.
Our reception is bad and we become disconnected. I'm afraid our conversation doesn't end well, and I'm left alone with a phone on a bed and the blinking lights of a foreign city as my view.
Later on we send each other text messages over the phone.
I tell her I'm not mad, I'm just lost tired and alone.
we make our amends.
I tell her i wish i had the answers, that I wish I could say we'll figure it all out, but I cant.
i tell her I feel like I'm renting this life and I'm going to have to return it soon.
She responds back.
Saying that she's proud of me and that I'm doing what i've always wanted.
And for the moment its enough and I can go to sleep.
Earlier on in the day we went to mall. I drove, in effort to entertain him and pass the time, I grew disoriented and low. at times I almost felt like I might be on the verge of a good cry. At some point I turned away to gather myself, only to be caught off guard by a life size poster of Clinton and Stacy the host for our show "What Not to Wear" prominently displayed inviting would be customers into the Discovery Store. In my head bells went off and silently I asked myself, " What the fuck am I doing?" Its strange seeing a life size poster of someone you work with.
A tall Russian woman walks across the bar, I recognize her as model. She is with her infant daughter, and significantly older husband. He is bald, short and muscular, a silver hoop earring in both ears, not a man I would want to cross or anger. She turned and looked at me straight in the eye and held longer to the point that it became an uncomfortable gaze. i looked back at first remembering the fear of russians I was taught as child, that far away look of distance and world domination in her eyes. She kept her gaze and I began to misinterpret it at first at desire or lust, but then came to understand as a cry for help. I left our conversation between he and I. I apologized for forgetting what I was about to say. He made crude comments deducted from his inaccurate observations, failing to see a deeper connection between those among the lost. I tucked the moment away and came back to the misery of my current situation. All the while playing the other, knowing that tomorrow he'll return home only to be suprised and become a small part of syndicated TV.
My wife calls later on in the evening. I try to explain the events of the day, and how disoriented I am.
Our reception is bad and we become disconnected. I'm afraid our conversation doesn't end well, and I'm left alone with a phone on a bed and the blinking lights of a foreign city as my view.
Later on we send each other text messages over the phone.
I tell her I'm not mad, I'm just lost tired and alone.
we make our amends.
I tell her i wish i had the answers, that I wish I could say we'll figure it all out, but I cant.
i tell her I feel like I'm renting this life and I'm going to have to return it soon.
She responds back.
Saying that she's proud of me and that I'm doing what i've always wanted.
And for the moment its enough and I can go to sleep.