once again...
for those of you who dont know, which is all of you i believe, i just got back out of the hospital yesterday. i went in last sunday which was the 5th i believe, for another case of pancreatitis. again, we have no idea how it became inflamed, and this is the 4th time i have had this. i am 25. this is a condition people do not usually get until they are in their 40s or above, most of which have drank all their lives or have diabetes. i am beginning to worry since it has only been 8 months since the last time i was in the hospital, that time for 10 days. i caught it a little quicker this time, and my lipaise count was only 1500 compared to the 2000 last time. it was actually kind of funny, i didnt have a specialist this time (no insurance), but it turned out really good because i didnt want to have to pay for another doctor. the general doc that i had was very nice and listened to a lot of the stuff i had to say. having had this affliction so many times, i have became quite an expert on the subject, just not an expert on how to prevent it. although i did have a fill-in doctor for my last night there (which sucked, i hate that frodo looking little prick) all in all it was okay. one of the more permanent drawbacks of spending many lonely nights in hospitals has become that my depression has really deepened. it has become quite a cause for concern. for someone who used to have such a hard time crying over anything, i found myself not being able to utter a single word to one of my loved ones without my mouth quivering. it really makes you realize how out of touch you have become with those you have called your friends when you find yourself staring at a ceiling listening to IV machines, wondering where all those people are. i couldnt bring myself to call anyone to let them know. i didnt want to burden anyone with my condition. the mosaic did have to cancel one of our shows because of it, which kind of mirrors the last time i went in. i told them this time that if they want to replace me with someone more reliable i would understand. only one band member came and saw me. none of them called. as far as i know they want me to remain in the band, but i just dont know what to do. i fear this condition will just continue to worsen until i am premenantly taking insulin, premenantly hospitalized, or premanently gone. the latter is something i try not to think about but find myself continually wrestling with. its funny, i finally start living my life in a more healthy way (havent drank in over a year, no drugs, still smoke though) and now the condition is getting worse.anyways, so thats where ive been. hope everything has been going well with you all.
much love.
jeremy
much love.
jeremy