Love still burns in my heart.
Well of course I feel terrible. Like I just took a hammer to my own world, BUT life goes on.
I won't resort to drinking.
I won't go to other boys.
I won't even over eat.
I'm just watching video's online. Nice ones that make me feel good. I cleaned up myself. I'm not sleeping for awhile I guess. I didn't sleep but very little last night, and I woke up at a time I haven't woken up at in ages.
Hopefully this weekend goes by fast and school will take over my life.
Hopefully my Mom is happy. Hopefully everyone will leave me alone.
I want to be taken first to some islands. With clear waters and I want to go island hopping.
Not by myself either.
Alas the person I would take with me would rather rip their arms off then come. Which is fair, everyone has a right to feel what they feel.
I feel mellow, of course I had my moments.
I was at the football game. Some kid was all up in my space. I wanted to stay and chill with the band kids, but to do so the annoying kid would have to take me home. At first i agreed, but then I started losing it. I thought about rape. I started shaking uncontrolably. I damn near ripped his face off.
I started to have a panic attack in the car. Luckily no one even realized it. I kind of just bashed around and cried.
I've actually done minimal crying. I already went through all of the crying when I realized what I had to do. When the proposal was made, and then made into a force. This has all been forced on me over time, a constant feed of do it. Then a decision, by my Mother, that it had to be done that night or it would be a dishonor to the relationship because I had spoken about it.
This makes no sense to you guys.
One day it might.
To someone.
To everyone.
Why things unfolded the way they did.
I just want to be happy.
Like I was.
Happy like summer.
I now despise winter. It brings goosebumps and bitter winds. I find no beauty in it.
When you have nothing to look forward to everything looks bleak.
I won't lie though, I have a tiny kernel of hope within me.
But then again hurtful things of happened, and certain words make it very plain that there won't even be friendship.
That's what hurts. Was there even love then? And why do I still feel it? Not even civil terms. How awful.
I think I'm going to go throw up now.
-M.
I won't resort to drinking.
I won't go to other boys.
I won't even over eat.
I'm just watching video's online. Nice ones that make me feel good. I cleaned up myself. I'm not sleeping for awhile I guess. I didn't sleep but very little last night, and I woke up at a time I haven't woken up at in ages.
Hopefully this weekend goes by fast and school will take over my life.
Hopefully my Mom is happy. Hopefully everyone will leave me alone.
I want to be taken first to some islands. With clear waters and I want to go island hopping.
Not by myself either.
Alas the person I would take with me would rather rip their arms off then come. Which is fair, everyone has a right to feel what they feel.
I feel mellow, of course I had my moments.
I was at the football game. Some kid was all up in my space. I wanted to stay and chill with the band kids, but to do so the annoying kid would have to take me home. At first i agreed, but then I started losing it. I thought about rape. I started shaking uncontrolably. I damn near ripped his face off.
I started to have a panic attack in the car. Luckily no one even realized it. I kind of just bashed around and cried.
I've actually done minimal crying. I already went through all of the crying when I realized what I had to do. When the proposal was made, and then made into a force. This has all been forced on me over time, a constant feed of do it. Then a decision, by my Mother, that it had to be done that night or it would be a dishonor to the relationship because I had spoken about it.
This makes no sense to you guys.
One day it might.
To someone.
To everyone.
Why things unfolded the way they did.
I just want to be happy.
Like I was.
Happy like summer.
I now despise winter. It brings goosebumps and bitter winds. I find no beauty in it.
When you have nothing to look forward to everything looks bleak.
I won't lie though, I have a tiny kernel of hope within me.
But then again hurtful things of happened, and certain words make it very plain that there won't even be friendship.
That's what hurts. Was there even love then? And why do I still feel it? Not even civil terms. How awful.
I think I'm going to go throw up now.
-M.