(no subject)
30/01/04
Howdy. Well at the momento I’m uh, about a quarter of the way through a fic called underneath, I’ll type up the addy later for all who want to read it. So far it’s, well, a little disturbing. I am going to admit here for the first time in, I think, ever that I’m just another fan who sees the guys as all love and lollipops so I’m not surprised that this story took me out of my comfort zone a little. The portrayal of the band is less than flattering but it’s fiction, and its difference is what makes it compelling to read.
Anyway, this isn’t a book review so I’ll probably write more when I’m done reading it.
Sitting with my legs curled up on my tiny computer chair typing away in Word coz I’ve run out of internet hours isn’t exactly how I imagined I’d spend my Friday night but oh well, you do what you gotta do I guess. Lol. At least I found my Veruca Salt CD stashed away in my collection; which, if laid out completely, would probably go for miles. I swear I have CD’s of bands who I didn’t even know existed. Lol. But I think music fuels emotion and vice versa, either way I haven’t spent a day where I haven’t listened to some kind of music. It feels weird to be rambling on about crap that I know hardly anyone is going to read. Gives you a sense of freedom in a way. Well, kinda.
Today I worked on both my personal and Hanson sites, but gave up on both and tried to start a new one; which is, of course, when my ISP decided that my hours were up. Bleh. Made my day, it really did. Yeah, so, as you can tell it was most definitely a productive day; sitting on my ass, staring at a screen. Oh what pure fun my life is. I shouldn’t complain though coz next week I go back to MY LAST YEAR at school and wont have the luxury of doing nothing for hours on end. I’m not scared any more though; I’m kinda excited about this year. So many people think I can’t do it, and as run-of-the-mill as it sounds, it does drive me to prove them wrong, to make them see that I can do it all by myself and that I did it for me, also I want them to see that they can shove all their criticism up their ass. So yeah, I have issues, but who doesn’t?
It feels weird letting myself go and admitting all this, I’m so used to trying to please people that I’m hardly ever myself. Don’t get me wrong I love helping people out, if anyone needs me I’d be there in an instant - no probs. But it’s nice to let go once in a while, to just think about you and what you did today. Which is why I’ve probably spent most of these holidays alone… True, I’ve been really sick, but I just like knowing that for this period of time I only have to worry about me.
This would probably be in part due to the fact that I’ve ‘broken-up’ with the best friend I’ve had for 1 year and 9 months ( 2 years in May ) - but who’s counting? Heh. Granted, she treated me like shit but we had good times. Times that, shared with any one else, wouldn’t be as funny, as good or as special. We had that thing, I don’t know what you call it but you know, we finished each others thoughts, got each others jokes, when no one else knew what we were talking about, all that stuff that’s probably just known as familiarity - but it felt like more. *frowns* I don’t really wanna bring all that back up again, seeing as I’ve just spent a large amount of time hardening any emotions still connected to her and seeing as her mission in life now is to destroy mine - whatever satisfaction she gets out of it, I don’t know, but to each their own I guess.
I know my life would be better without her, I know I could achieve so much more, I know that many of my other friends who actually care about me and respect me deserve my attention a thousand times more than her but I still wonder what it is that I did wrong and why she felt the need to push me away. As she always does, even when I kept running back. Well no more lap-dog, no more running back to familiar ground just because I don’t know what’ll happen next. I’m doing this on my own and I’m gonna show everybody that I can, that I’m not a disappointment and I can be as good as any one else they compare me to. And I’ll do it all by myself!
I still wonder though, if she came to me, apologetic and genuinely sorry, if I would accept her back. I’ve gone over my response a million times, “I have nothing against you any more, but I can’t be in a friendship like that. I don’t want to let you destroy me any more just because it gives you something to do, because you think fighting with me is fun… I can’t have you in my life because it brings me down. “ You know, all that crap about how much I loved her and how we connected, blah blah blah, but the bottom line is that the one relationship I loved the most was ruining my life. It was making me a bad person. It’s funny when you look back on things like this, all the stuff you realise - you get a major different perspective. I know what most of you are thinking, all of this over a friendship, with another girl no less - but you know you don’t really understand until you’ve been there. I don’t know, maybe some of you have. Let me set this straight, no we weren’t lesbians, but we were best friends, we didn’t have the greatest friendship but it was still there, still strong after this long. My other friends said it was like we were dating or something - we were always jealous of each other, maybe scared because when we first became friends we had both left other friendships and maybe we thought the other would do it again - but it was a deep thing.
After all this moping though, I think that maybe this was a good thing. It’s a good time to let it go, let her go - a new year, a new start and I need a refreshing change to my life coz I was just in a downward spiral. I think it’s a great time to clean out all the negative people in my life and start getting things in order coz next year, well, I’ll be all grown up. Scary, hey?
A while ago I hated that notion; growing up, it scares me still, but to a lesser extent. I feared it because everything changes and you realise things, you get told things, you find out things, that maybe you never wanted to know. And with that goes all the childish innocence you ever had. I liked my innocence, naivety and stupidity, thankyouverymuch. And life had no right to take it away from me. It was mine.
I feared change because people become people that you never knew before, grandparents become alcoholics or betrayers; parents become, well, human beings, who make mistakes and who aren’t perfect any more. Everyone becomes someone different. Things become more complicated. I loathed change because it does exactly that; changes everything. And it was scary because if I grew up things wouldn’t be the same and I wouldn’t know everything like I used to, my whole life would become something that’s not mine anymore, something that belongs to some happier, more naïve little kid who loved everybody and still contained her innocence.
I hated the idea of growing up, hated the idea of moving on. I wished things could all just stay, sit perfectly in time for the rest of always. I’d stay, hmm, about 15, I think is a good age to stay forever, Cass - [ FYI: no, she’s not formerly mentioned, she’s a very old friend of mine, like I’m talking ’97 - ’98 here and we used to know each other inside out; but I think the distance got the better of us, well, that and life. ] - Well, continuing on with my little fantasy, before I started raving like a, well, raving lunatic… Her and I would talk all the time, I’d go see her she’d come see me, Hanson would stay umm, about the same age as they were when they did the albertane tour - Zac was the cutest then, and he was less brooding - also, I’d still have all my old Hanson online friends that I lost through the corse of being offline for like a year, hey, maybe I’d even be friends with you right now. Maybe I’d be a different person, maybe I’d be somewhere different now, and maybe I wouldn’t even be writing this. And… well… I dunno, I looked at the clock for a second and forgot my point. I guess it was something about freezing time probably, because I despised change. Change ruins things, taints them and sometimes it’s so bad you can never get the good times back. But I’ve learned through the course of things that not all change is bad; I’ve just got to keep telling myself that. Over and over again. Lol.
Before I go, one thing I want to repeat, it’s a quote I took from that fic I’m reading, underneath. It affected me and I think other people should hear it so… “Live your life with the consciousness that you are meant to be where you are every moment of your life.” So maybe things aren’t that bad for me, maybe it’s ok to be here right now in this moment, it’s ok to grow up; it’s ok to change. Maybe moving on isn’t leaving things behind, it’s creating a new world to live in, a better version of the last. Like a spin off series or a solo artist. Lol. I know I know, wrong comparison, I apologise - most critics often say spin offs and solo artists never last. But then again critics can be wrong.
And to J.T, who knows who he is, don’t be scared that people haven’t come with you along the way, because there’s always bigger and better places to go, new faces to meet, new songs to sing, new experiences to appreciate, nothing is ever as bad as it seems and what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. Remember that.
I liked that I could spill this all out, even if no one was listening, even if no one ever will listen because you know what? It’s not for you; it’s for me. *grins & punches you* TAG! You’re it!
x x love ada x x
Howdy. Well at the momento I’m uh, about a quarter of the way through a fic called underneath, I’ll type up the addy later for all who want to read it. So far it’s, well, a little disturbing. I am going to admit here for the first time in, I think, ever that I’m just another fan who sees the guys as all love and lollipops so I’m not surprised that this story took me out of my comfort zone a little. The portrayal of the band is less than flattering but it’s fiction, and its difference is what makes it compelling to read.
Anyway, this isn’t a book review so I’ll probably write more when I’m done reading it.
Sitting with my legs curled up on my tiny computer chair typing away in Word coz I’ve run out of internet hours isn’t exactly how I imagined I’d spend my Friday night but oh well, you do what you gotta do I guess. Lol. At least I found my Veruca Salt CD stashed away in my collection; which, if laid out completely, would probably go for miles. I swear I have CD’s of bands who I didn’t even know existed. Lol. But I think music fuels emotion and vice versa, either way I haven’t spent a day where I haven’t listened to some kind of music. It feels weird to be rambling on about crap that I know hardly anyone is going to read. Gives you a sense of freedom in a way. Well, kinda.
Today I worked on both my personal and Hanson sites, but gave up on both and tried to start a new one; which is, of course, when my ISP decided that my hours were up. Bleh. Made my day, it really did. Yeah, so, as you can tell it was most definitely a productive day; sitting on my ass, staring at a screen. Oh what pure fun my life is. I shouldn’t complain though coz next week I go back to MY LAST YEAR at school and wont have the luxury of doing nothing for hours on end. I’m not scared any more though; I’m kinda excited about this year. So many people think I can’t do it, and as run-of-the-mill as it sounds, it does drive me to prove them wrong, to make them see that I can do it all by myself and that I did it for me, also I want them to see that they can shove all their criticism up their ass. So yeah, I have issues, but who doesn’t?
It feels weird letting myself go and admitting all this, I’m so used to trying to please people that I’m hardly ever myself. Don’t get me wrong I love helping people out, if anyone needs me I’d be there in an instant - no probs. But it’s nice to let go once in a while, to just think about you and what you did today. Which is why I’ve probably spent most of these holidays alone… True, I’ve been really sick, but I just like knowing that for this period of time I only have to worry about me.
This would probably be in part due to the fact that I’ve ‘broken-up’ with the best friend I’ve had for 1 year and 9 months ( 2 years in May ) - but who’s counting? Heh. Granted, she treated me like shit but we had good times. Times that, shared with any one else, wouldn’t be as funny, as good or as special. We had that thing, I don’t know what you call it but you know, we finished each others thoughts, got each others jokes, when no one else knew what we were talking about, all that stuff that’s probably just known as familiarity - but it felt like more. *frowns* I don’t really wanna bring all that back up again, seeing as I’ve just spent a large amount of time hardening any emotions still connected to her and seeing as her mission in life now is to destroy mine - whatever satisfaction she gets out of it, I don’t know, but to each their own I guess.
I know my life would be better without her, I know I could achieve so much more, I know that many of my other friends who actually care about me and respect me deserve my attention a thousand times more than her but I still wonder what it is that I did wrong and why she felt the need to push me away. As she always does, even when I kept running back. Well no more lap-dog, no more running back to familiar ground just because I don’t know what’ll happen next. I’m doing this on my own and I’m gonna show everybody that I can, that I’m not a disappointment and I can be as good as any one else they compare me to. And I’ll do it all by myself!
I still wonder though, if she came to me, apologetic and genuinely sorry, if I would accept her back. I’ve gone over my response a million times, “I have nothing against you any more, but I can’t be in a friendship like that. I don’t want to let you destroy me any more just because it gives you something to do, because you think fighting with me is fun… I can’t have you in my life because it brings me down. “ You know, all that crap about how much I loved her and how we connected, blah blah blah, but the bottom line is that the one relationship I loved the most was ruining my life. It was making me a bad person. It’s funny when you look back on things like this, all the stuff you realise - you get a major different perspective. I know what most of you are thinking, all of this over a friendship, with another girl no less - but you know you don’t really understand until you’ve been there. I don’t know, maybe some of you have. Let me set this straight, no we weren’t lesbians, but we were best friends, we didn’t have the greatest friendship but it was still there, still strong after this long. My other friends said it was like we were dating or something - we were always jealous of each other, maybe scared because when we first became friends we had both left other friendships and maybe we thought the other would do it again - but it was a deep thing.
After all this moping though, I think that maybe this was a good thing. It’s a good time to let it go, let her go - a new year, a new start and I need a refreshing change to my life coz I was just in a downward spiral. I think it’s a great time to clean out all the negative people in my life and start getting things in order coz next year, well, I’ll be all grown up. Scary, hey?
A while ago I hated that notion; growing up, it scares me still, but to a lesser extent. I feared it because everything changes and you realise things, you get told things, you find out things, that maybe you never wanted to know. And with that goes all the childish innocence you ever had. I liked my innocence, naivety and stupidity, thankyouverymuch. And life had no right to take it away from me. It was mine.
I feared change because people become people that you never knew before, grandparents become alcoholics or betrayers; parents become, well, human beings, who make mistakes and who aren’t perfect any more. Everyone becomes someone different. Things become more complicated. I loathed change because it does exactly that; changes everything. And it was scary because if I grew up things wouldn’t be the same and I wouldn’t know everything like I used to, my whole life would become something that’s not mine anymore, something that belongs to some happier, more naïve little kid who loved everybody and still contained her innocence.
I hated the idea of growing up, hated the idea of moving on. I wished things could all just stay, sit perfectly in time for the rest of always. I’d stay, hmm, about 15, I think is a good age to stay forever, Cass - [ FYI: no, she’s not formerly mentioned, she’s a very old friend of mine, like I’m talking ’97 - ’98 here and we used to know each other inside out; but I think the distance got the better of us, well, that and life. ] - Well, continuing on with my little fantasy, before I started raving like a, well, raving lunatic… Her and I would talk all the time, I’d go see her she’d come see me, Hanson would stay umm, about the same age as they were when they did the albertane tour - Zac was the cutest then, and he was less brooding - also, I’d still have all my old Hanson online friends that I lost through the corse of being offline for like a year, hey, maybe I’d even be friends with you right now. Maybe I’d be a different person, maybe I’d be somewhere different now, and maybe I wouldn’t even be writing this. And… well… I dunno, I looked at the clock for a second and forgot my point. I guess it was something about freezing time probably, because I despised change. Change ruins things, taints them and sometimes it’s so bad you can never get the good times back. But I’ve learned through the course of things that not all change is bad; I’ve just got to keep telling myself that. Over and over again. Lol.
Before I go, one thing I want to repeat, it’s a quote I took from that fic I’m reading, underneath. It affected me and I think other people should hear it so… “Live your life with the consciousness that you are meant to be where you are every moment of your life.” So maybe things aren’t that bad for me, maybe it’s ok to be here right now in this moment, it’s ok to grow up; it’s ok to change. Maybe moving on isn’t leaving things behind, it’s creating a new world to live in, a better version of the last. Like a spin off series or a solo artist. Lol. I know I know, wrong comparison, I apologise - most critics often say spin offs and solo artists never last. But then again critics can be wrong.
And to J.T, who knows who he is, don’t be scared that people haven’t come with you along the way, because there’s always bigger and better places to go, new faces to meet, new songs to sing, new experiences to appreciate, nothing is ever as bad as it seems and what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. Remember that.
I liked that I could spill this all out, even if no one was listening, even if no one ever will listen because you know what? It’s not for you; it’s for me. *grins & punches you* TAG! You’re it!
x x love ada x x