(no subject)
02/02/04
Ok, haven't edited this yet so bare with me!
Hmm. Wow. Well. First day back at school, last year OF school. One of my more beautiful friends met me on my train this morning, we walked - well, ran - to our first lecture of the year. Lol. Thankfully I have at least one smart friend and she’d already figured out the location of the lecture hall, so we weren’t the first but we weren’t the last; that award goes to my ex-best friend now arch enemy. My God how all of this resembles a messy break-up, I mean, I pretend not to but I notice when she walks past, take note of how she looks, who’s she with, her mood and where she’s going. And I know she does it to me too. So why is it that I’m calling her pathetic and childish and yet I’m doing the exact same thing as her? Oh that’s right, I forgot, I’m a hypocrite. Lol. At least I’m trying to change though, right? At least I’m trying not to care… right? *sighs* It’s the same old thing every time, I’m surrounded by my group of friends, people that I love but coincidently people that also make her jealous and pissed off. *smiles innocently* Yeah. Right. Anyway, I’m chattering away - as you do - and then in she walks; I noticed this because I’d been glancing at both entries since I’d seen she wasn’t there yet. And so because she hasn’t lifted her head yet, hasn’t seen me gawking at her and taking note of all that surrounds her, I go in to a more depth conversation with one of my friends, laughing and smiling and nodding as I pretend to listen intently. Oh yes, I’m the perfect, blissful, worry-less, ex best friend and I’m better without you. I’m surviving without you - I don’t need you any more. Sometimes I think I should be an actress. Heh. Out of the corner of my eye I see her staring at me and know I’ve got her attention, hoping that she’s seeing me having fun, she’s seeing me smile and laugh and she’s not the cause of either. That I’m ok without her, that I can be on my own, that I can have friends, that I can do what ever I want and still be fine; without her. See what I mean? We have issues. The reason I say we is because she does the same to me, this is going to get quite confusing soon so lets call this ex-best friend of mine… Hmm… Slut-Face. Yes, sounds fitting. *grins* Oh I love being able to diss people and not having anyone talk back to me about it. *hugs LJ*
Anywho, I was less than nice to this other girl, whom we’ll refer to as Shit-Brick, and we became well less than good friends, to say it adequately. Slut-Face and Shit-Brick *giggles* are now the greatest of friends, just to annoy the absolute shit out of me; now excuse me if I’m a little paranoid here. See when I was friends with both of them they would complain non-stop about the other, they even nearly had a bitch fight once. You would’ve loved it, I’m sure. Wish I had a camera. Lol. And yet after all this they’re the best of buddies? Pardon me while I puke! Back to my point - has anyone realised and actually counted how many times I say that? - Slut-Face is undoubtedly using this to make me squirm, I was sitting with Shit-Brick, actually having a nice conversation - we weren’t like we used to be but words were being exchanged in a friendly manner; unlike a few months ago. Eeek. Then all of sudden Slut-Face appears and practically jumps on Shit-Brick like she’s her fucking prey or something - all for me. I don’t have to tell you I was more than impressed she still cared this much. Because isn’t that why girls do these things? Because they still care? Because they still hurt? It’s funny, all through my friendship with Slut-Face I never thought I meant anything to her, but here she was; proving me wrong. But I had won the battle this time, because I knew she saw me, and I knew her seeing me caused this action to take place. I feel sorry for any one of the male species who’s ever tried to understand girls. It just can’t be done. I hardly understand my own logic, let alone having someone else understand it. Pfft. Yeah, like that’s ever gonna happen. Lol. Well, let me try and settle this for you, yup, I’m gonna try and explanation for once. She saw me, causing her to react and try to make me jealous… But I knew she saw me, so I knew I had set it off, that normally she wouldn’t greet Shit-Brick in the same way if I weren’t there. But I had won the next round because she hasn’t known that I saw her first, she had looked at me and saw that I was happy - or at least pretending I was, unbeknownst to her of course - so she was therefore thinking that I actually was happy and doing just fine without her. So I win - right? *shakes head* Not right. I had won the battle, maybe, but not the war - I’ve always wanted to use that in a sentence. Sorry, I’ll get back on track. I would win the war when I no longer cared about the war because that’s how it is won; now you see the predicament I’m in. Because as long as I’m telling myself not to care, I’m still caring; she’s still getting to me.
Hmm, and this wasn’t even the biggest part of my day, yet I’ve written a page and a half about it. Somebody shoot me. Or tell me why I still care. I don’t care, right? I mean why should I? It’s over, it’s done. I know I don’t want her back so why is this still happening, why is she still able to affect me? Why am I still showing her that I’m bothered by what she does? That it gets to me? That I hurt? I’m so confused. This is why I didn’t want her back at this school because she would only be a distraction, certainly not a good one and certainly one I didn’t need. I guess that’s something I need to sort out for myself. No doubt you will hear about her doings tomorrow though, and the next day, and the next. Until I’m over it. Until it doesn’t matter any more. I don’t know how long that will be. So I apologise in advance. Slut-Face and Shit-Brick is still funny right? *laughs* Of course it is.
Well after I had spent about an hour travelling, only to sit in a lecture hall for 40 minutes, 20 spent waiting for other slack-asses to arrive, the other 20 spent listening to our teachers drone on and on, I was feeling pretty darn… nothing. I wasn’t honestly just empty. Had nothing to do, no where to go, no one to see, until I got a message on my phone telling me to have a great first day at school and that this person knew I would be just fine. I called my mother’s ex - who may now, thanks to me, just be her current - boyfriend and asked if I could come over to his place coz I was bored out of my brains. This was fine and we went back to his place, I worked on my timetable, organising my life for this semester, ridiculous things like what time I had to get up and crap like that. We went online and got a map of my campus, it took us about 5 goes to get the map size right to print it out. Lol. But I did that, calculated where all my lecture halls were, where I needed to be at what time and so on and so forth. We ordered pizza and ate that, by this time it was getting late and I was kinda wondering why my mother hadn’t called, as she knew I’d be home way before this. He told me that she probably knew where I was and didn’t want to call, didn’t want to know. I felt bad, but kinda good at the same time. She had to know that I was still going to come here, I was still going to spend time with him because as much as she would be fine with the idea of giving up a father figure for me, I sure as hell wasn’t. It still made me feel bad though because, she’s my mother. She’s always been there and what kind of child was I to defy her? Guess that’s what being a teenager is all about. Hate to stop here and leave y’all hanging. *Pfft* But it’s like 12am here and I need my sleep for tomorrow - extremely hectic day. Plus I need my beauty sleep. Uh, yeah. Well, this saga shall continue but not tonight my friends.
Be happy with what you accomplished today.
x x love ada x x
Ok, haven't edited this yet so bare with me!
Hmm. Wow. Well. First day back at school, last year OF school. One of my more beautiful friends met me on my train this morning, we walked - well, ran - to our first lecture of the year. Lol. Thankfully I have at least one smart friend and she’d already figured out the location of the lecture hall, so we weren’t the first but we weren’t the last; that award goes to my ex-best friend now arch enemy. My God how all of this resembles a messy break-up, I mean, I pretend not to but I notice when she walks past, take note of how she looks, who’s she with, her mood and where she’s going. And I know she does it to me too. So why is it that I’m calling her pathetic and childish and yet I’m doing the exact same thing as her? Oh that’s right, I forgot, I’m a hypocrite. Lol. At least I’m trying to change though, right? At least I’m trying not to care… right? *sighs* It’s the same old thing every time, I’m surrounded by my group of friends, people that I love but coincidently people that also make her jealous and pissed off. *smiles innocently* Yeah. Right. Anyway, I’m chattering away - as you do - and then in she walks; I noticed this because I’d been glancing at both entries since I’d seen she wasn’t there yet. And so because she hasn’t lifted her head yet, hasn’t seen me gawking at her and taking note of all that surrounds her, I go in to a more depth conversation with one of my friends, laughing and smiling and nodding as I pretend to listen intently. Oh yes, I’m the perfect, blissful, worry-less, ex best friend and I’m better without you. I’m surviving without you - I don’t need you any more. Sometimes I think I should be an actress. Heh. Out of the corner of my eye I see her staring at me and know I’ve got her attention, hoping that she’s seeing me having fun, she’s seeing me smile and laugh and she’s not the cause of either. That I’m ok without her, that I can be on my own, that I can have friends, that I can do what ever I want and still be fine; without her. See what I mean? We have issues. The reason I say we is because she does the same to me, this is going to get quite confusing soon so lets call this ex-best friend of mine… Hmm… Slut-Face. Yes, sounds fitting. *grins* Oh I love being able to diss people and not having anyone talk back to me about it. *hugs LJ*
Anywho, I was less than nice to this other girl, whom we’ll refer to as Shit-Brick, and we became well less than good friends, to say it adequately. Slut-Face and Shit-Brick *giggles* are now the greatest of friends, just to annoy the absolute shit out of me; now excuse me if I’m a little paranoid here. See when I was friends with both of them they would complain non-stop about the other, they even nearly had a bitch fight once. You would’ve loved it, I’m sure. Wish I had a camera. Lol. And yet after all this they’re the best of buddies? Pardon me while I puke! Back to my point - has anyone realised and actually counted how many times I say that? - Slut-Face is undoubtedly using this to make me squirm, I was sitting with Shit-Brick, actually having a nice conversation - we weren’t like we used to be but words were being exchanged in a friendly manner; unlike a few months ago. Eeek. Then all of sudden Slut-Face appears and practically jumps on Shit-Brick like she’s her fucking prey or something - all for me. I don’t have to tell you I was more than impressed she still cared this much. Because isn’t that why girls do these things? Because they still care? Because they still hurt? It’s funny, all through my friendship with Slut-Face I never thought I meant anything to her, but here she was; proving me wrong. But I had won the battle this time, because I knew she saw me, and I knew her seeing me caused this action to take place. I feel sorry for any one of the male species who’s ever tried to understand girls. It just can’t be done. I hardly understand my own logic, let alone having someone else understand it. Pfft. Yeah, like that’s ever gonna happen. Lol. Well, let me try and settle this for you, yup, I’m gonna try and explanation for once. She saw me, causing her to react and try to make me jealous… But I knew she saw me, so I knew I had set it off, that normally she wouldn’t greet Shit-Brick in the same way if I weren’t there. But I had won the next round because she hasn’t known that I saw her first, she had looked at me and saw that I was happy - or at least pretending I was, unbeknownst to her of course - so she was therefore thinking that I actually was happy and doing just fine without her. So I win - right? *shakes head* Not right. I had won the battle, maybe, but not the war - I’ve always wanted to use that in a sentence. Sorry, I’ll get back on track. I would win the war when I no longer cared about the war because that’s how it is won; now you see the predicament I’m in. Because as long as I’m telling myself not to care, I’m still caring; she’s still getting to me.
Hmm, and this wasn’t even the biggest part of my day, yet I’ve written a page and a half about it. Somebody shoot me. Or tell me why I still care. I don’t care, right? I mean why should I? It’s over, it’s done. I know I don’t want her back so why is this still happening, why is she still able to affect me? Why am I still showing her that I’m bothered by what she does? That it gets to me? That I hurt? I’m so confused. This is why I didn’t want her back at this school because she would only be a distraction, certainly not a good one and certainly one I didn’t need. I guess that’s something I need to sort out for myself. No doubt you will hear about her doings tomorrow though, and the next day, and the next. Until I’m over it. Until it doesn’t matter any more. I don’t know how long that will be. So I apologise in advance. Slut-Face and Shit-Brick is still funny right? *laughs* Of course it is.
Well after I had spent about an hour travelling, only to sit in a lecture hall for 40 minutes, 20 spent waiting for other slack-asses to arrive, the other 20 spent listening to our teachers drone on and on, I was feeling pretty darn… nothing. I wasn’t honestly just empty. Had nothing to do, no where to go, no one to see, until I got a message on my phone telling me to have a great first day at school and that this person knew I would be just fine. I called my mother’s ex - who may now, thanks to me, just be her current - boyfriend and asked if I could come over to his place coz I was bored out of my brains. This was fine and we went back to his place, I worked on my timetable, organising my life for this semester, ridiculous things like what time I had to get up and crap like that. We went online and got a map of my campus, it took us about 5 goes to get the map size right to print it out. Lol. But I did that, calculated where all my lecture halls were, where I needed to be at what time and so on and so forth. We ordered pizza and ate that, by this time it was getting late and I was kinda wondering why my mother hadn’t called, as she knew I’d be home way before this. He told me that she probably knew where I was and didn’t want to call, didn’t want to know. I felt bad, but kinda good at the same time. She had to know that I was still going to come here, I was still going to spend time with him because as much as she would be fine with the idea of giving up a father figure for me, I sure as hell wasn’t. It still made me feel bad though because, she’s my mother. She’s always been there and what kind of child was I to defy her? Guess that’s what being a teenager is all about. Hate to stop here and leave y’all hanging. *Pfft* But it’s like 12am here and I need my sleep for tomorrow - extremely hectic day. Plus I need my beauty sleep. Uh, yeah. Well, this saga shall continue but not tonight my friends.
Be happy with what you accomplished today.
x x love ada x x