My gosh. He writes!
It's certianly been a while since i've sat down to write anything on this "livejournal" shindig. There's probably a handful of reasons for this, but mainly i didn't feel up to prompting a less then observed page consisting of any of my daily, weekly, or even monthly personaly occurances and/or opinions. I suppose the only real reason I am writting here and now is from a sheer lack of anything better to do at the moment. Even more possibly is the fact that i'd like to recollect my own thoughts and opinions for my own persoanl future use. Whatever they may happen to be. Even if they just wound up being a product of another deleting frenzy, they may prove to be useful at some point. Maybe even not just for myself. In any case, it would seem that i'm starting this little online journal again. For what reason other then reference or deletion, i'm uncertain. Perhaps I like to think that there may be a handful of people who could be interested in what i have to say or think. Then again, perhaps not, but that's not really a subject matter i wish to pursue any more indepthly.
Quite a few months have passed since i could openly say that things were going well. Though, even when i could openly say such, it would be hard to say with valor that it would have been an entirely true statement. As i've come to understand, wellness is simply a state of mind. So perhaps my perception of that statements foundation and/or validity wouldn't be without both arguments being brought into focus and regard. Regardless of either process of rationalization of the subject, i'd like to think that this would be a good way to evaluate things how they are here and now. Evaluating the past seems to be as useful as chewing bubble gum to solve an algebra equation (cath the reference?). So maybe beginning to more openly evaluate the present might be of some profit.
I guess i mainly like to think that i might be able to achieve some truth in these words, or perhaps that others might be able to also. In all earnest attempts for honesty i hope that can be the case, but we'll see. I could constantly dabble in the polar opposites of everything i write, like i just have and commonly do, so aside from this notary sentence recognizing that possibility, i shall try to lessen the chance of its occurance. There are quite a lot of forthcoming emotions that i'm not sure i'll be able to deal with. I haven't been able to properly manage them thus far, so i find myself more then just a little afraid to accept them so bravely in the future. Although i'd like to, i just don't see it happening with such fluidity. Maybe, to further teach myself of the reason for writting this, i'd like to be able to recognize these notes as such the tool in order to perform overcoming them more easily. All these statements aside, I think it might be within my best interest to write something a little more solid and usefull. Rather then just dancing in circles with the same thought, over and over again.
Today i got a call from a collection agency. I think it is the first time that i've ever really gotten mad at somebody i didn't know. I wasn't even aware of this persons name for christ's sake. (Just a sidenote; It's funny how when you write some commonly used turn of phrase's, how they don't seem to be as impactive or effective then when spoken. Mreh) But this gent had the audacity to yell at me for owing money on a bill that i thought had been taken care of. Now this is not something i'm particularly proud of. The fact that i'm in the positiong where fidelity is calling my cell phone a few times a week for an American Eagle credit purchase is less the admirable. What i don't understand though is the nerve the person i spoke with had. Now this isn't the first time i've gotten the chance to speak with this pestering/caring company, but it certainly was the first that i had been met with such hostility. To elaborate, i had spoken with a gentleman that had the same interest as the one i was speaking with now but actually ended up consoling me about my situation and wishing me luck in the future with hopes that i'd be able to get this mess taken care of. Unfortunitely the kind sir i had the chance to speak with today didn't share the other mans compassion. He actually had the gall to start yelling at me for the fact that what i had done was not up to par with the way a functioning member of society should be performing. Now correct me if i'm wrong, but the reason why they are in business is because there are millions of people in America who are late on payments to purchases made with a line of credit. Not to mention the fact that my purchase was not only unrequested and undesired upon the card that i now so admirably loath, but also that i had patched this B.S. weeks ago with AE themselves, or so i thought. To say the least i was a little taken back by being yelled at by a member of a collection agency. So, naturaly, i asked to speak to a manager. So i began speaking with a manager and to my suprise she couldn't speak a lick of proper English. I was flabbergasted! Astounded even. This "manager" not only couldn't speak proper English, she obviously couldn't understand it very well either. I repitively requested that i file a complaint on the gentlemen i had just spoken with, and she just proceeded on with her own astonishment with the fact that i couldn't pay a $50 credit bill, consitantly avoiding the desire for me to file a complaint. Now this brings up an interesting side of the story. Here i am, being reprimanded by a collection agency for not fullfilling my societal duty over a $50 bill! So, never-the-less, i got put on hold. Genius. Now not only were they being completely idiotic with their verbal course's of action towards me, but they decided to feed the flames of my anger by putting me on hold. I couldn't just hang up though, i had to get the last word in. Call it a masculine need if you will. So i here a voice after a few minutes, one that wasn't the electronic "please hold your call is very important to us", and it was the same gentlemen i had the chance to speak with earlier in the phone call. Now i don't know why they decided to put me back on the line with him, but i guess he thought he was going to put me straight. He asked me why i wasn't able to pay such a menial bill. I asked them why they were being such dicks about such a menial bill, which was probably not a smart manuever bad a damn comforting one, and he continued to reprimand me. He went on and on, pausing to prohibit himself from cursing, about how he should get me arrested for my negligence and created a metaphorical situation about me having said gaurment in my posession, eagerly wearing it with vindictive intentions towards the American Eagle company. I had no idea that these voices from the world of pesky phone calls had such verbal ablities, let alone the intilect in order to create such an amazing hypothetical situation. Now this whole ordeal was seeming to become a little too incompitent for me, for I'm rather certain that if i want a decreasing credit score i have the right to not pay my bill. I believe that is why they have "late charges" and all that incredible money grubbing jazz. Now i'm not saying that they don't have the right to call me, nor am i saying that i shouldn't be expected to pay the bill, but they don't have the right to treat me like a blundering puppy. Especially if it is not only within my right to do so, and sadly out of my hands in order to remedy. This went on for a while, but eventually i got to speak to the manager again. She said she couldn't understand how i couldn't find a way to pay my bill, and after repititly telling her that i don't have the money and that i'm trying to get back on my feet, i then proclaimed that i couldn't comprihend how a manager couldn't speak or understand a word of fucking English. It was then time to hang up which i promptly did after my melicious comment. I now know where i can go if i ever need to get into a shouting match with a total stranger. Y'know release some pent up anger towards those pesky phone calls the entire nation seems to have recieved their entire lives.
Honestly, that went on a little longer then i thought it would. When i began writting it i thought it would just be a few venting sentences about my annoying phone call. I guess though that these little outbursts are needed from time to time, and when i think about the short essay i just wrote i feel pleased with myself. Pleased with the fact that i was able to achieve something. Even if it was as menial as complaining about a few rigid phone seconds. What i think is a litte funny though is the fact that directly before i wrote that little rant i proclaimed it might be of some use to write something with a little more solidity. Now i'm no analyist of any kind, other then my own interpretations of the world around me, but i tend to think that aside from the extreme detail my little rant went into, there wasn't much substance in its words. Then again, i don't really know what would qualify as a substance filled paragraph or written thought. So i guess it is as good as any.
Like i mentioned, it's been some time since i've sat to write in this little window. I guess i'm enjoying myself, why else would i still be writting and have written so much? In any case i feel like i'm achieving something. For so long now i've felt like i've been in a fuzzy world of confusion and dissapointment. I guess i'm just now being able to recognize that in words. Never the less, i'd like to think that i'm starting to snap out of it and this seems to be helping in some way. Maybe. I'm starting to write again though(not just in this) and writting aways seems to have a positive performance, or even reflection; if i might be so bold, on how things are going in my life. Kind of symbolic, if you will. I'm also starting to find myself crawling out from under the shell astrologers would say that i have (being a said "cancerian" and all) and starting to correspond with the outside world a little more then i would have a week ago. Aside from 10 minute phone convorsations with Kaylin, which i've chrished in these past few months, and long nights at bickfords, me and socializing or even indulging in the idea of it has been less then desirable for me.
This morning, before i started writting this actually, i left small little messages in two of "my girls" livejournals whom i haven't spoken with for some time. Sadly i really don't think that i deserve to be giving that title to them any longer for i really haven't been the friend that i could've been with them, but it's kind of meant to be a little facetious. There was a time where i did call Mel and Ashly, and even Kaylin that, but that time has passed, and i miss it. Saying it now, i guess i'm just mildly reflecting on the past, how i miss them, and how often i recognize how i've messed up the relationships i once held so highly. Writting this though, i'm beginning to think that i might be percieved as whinny. Or that i am trying to employ some sympathy from anyone possibly performing the grueling act of reading this, but i hope that is not the case. I'd like to think that these words, as troubled as the may be or become, are simply just the meandering thoughts i had while sitting here. In the past, whenever i'd try to write something in this little box, i'd just end up deleting it and rewritting it untill it reached some sort of idealism, which it never did. So i'd end up deleting it, never really writting a word and never really achieving anything. So indstead of proof reading what i'm writting this time, i've decided to just release whatever yerns to be released at this moment, without a second thought.
Regardless, i'm assuming that this will only be the beginning of my livejournal blog-athon, so i'll end this one with very little point, application, or lengthy negotiation of anything important or relivant. That is all (for now ... dun dun dun)
Djkjr -