Happy Holidays?
*Note: I wrote this during Thanksgiving*
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Fucking movies make me sad.
So I rented some movies this weekend to get me out of boredom and avoid having to talk to relatives while eating bird. It's a few hrs before they invade my personal space, so I pop in a dvd. Eternal Sunshine with a Spotless Mind. Fuck its good, but it did a job on me cuz it didn't help me get my mind off S.
Carey, is me; a semi-straight laced mofo. Winslet is S; a multi-colored hair, fun loving, laid back, spontaneous kind of girl. Big fucking deal, you gotta have the square hook up with the artsy girl, or else this wouldn't be a artsy Focus Production, right?
The more I watched, the more I fucking miss you S. It reminded me of all the weird, random, funny shit we used to do. Laying on the floor of your living room in your apt in the summer trying to escape the heat. We toss that pink thing you call a pillow like a volleyball, setting it to each other as we lay next to each other. For some reason you'd try and poke me with brand named water bottle when I tried catching the pillow. Like that would distract me. When we met at that party, I really didn't expect anyone to show up that I've talked/seen/met before, but you and your anti-social self showed up, and at first your black framed plastic glasses caught my attention (yeah I have a thing for glasses). Actually I think your silence kind of intrigued me.
There were two memories that Carey was trying to hold to and not get erased that kinda got me all teary eyed. One when they're under the covers talking, and having a moment, and the other, when they were playing in bed trying to suffocate each other w/ pillows. I hold onto the time where S had me stay under the covers for fucking some 20 mins. It's cute, and also touching cuz she's making me do this cuz she wants to tell me something that's really private that I know not many people know.... I knew I really liked her at that point... to put that much trust into someone you hardly know. Yes, we're... or she's kinda fucked up that we did try and smother each other with pillows to see how long we could stand it....
This flick messed me up because I saw my jealous fuck in the movie. We went from fun loving people who love to spend time with each other, to people who felt like that had to tip toe around each other, like we're afraid to break relational egg shells. Hence why Winslet and Carey both decide they wanna zap each other's memories of each other. Weird thing is, in the middle of the reformatting, the fuck decides he wants to hold these memories. In the end they both realize that the whole reason why they wanted to zap their existence out of each other still exist, but they don't give a fuck anymore...cuz they love each other.
when S called me over to talk, and delivered the bad news, I wanted us to get emotional, wanted to be able to talk her out of this decision. But if you give a woman a week or so to think and determine a relationship, and the relationship has gone stale... shit, you're asking for trouble. I always thought it interesting how people think of her as the insensitive type, not expressing much, but it made me smile when she's totally into sappy romantic flicks. But again, that week of thinking about her decision fucked me over, and I ain't having no opportunity to change her mind. She even laid the "please respect the decision I've made..." phrase on me. Arrrrg, of course I have no other fucking choice to do so, cuz I fucking care and respect this woman... right?
So I'm writing this shit cuz I know she'll never find me on here; a good source of steam blowing, and express what I would have said if we were in some fucking off kilter romantic comedy.
Look S, I still miss you. I've been pretty level headed lately, thinking about how I've been your average male who fucked up, and became irrationally jealous when really there was no reason to feel that way because I should trust you, and know your a woman of integrity. Yeah I know I lost my mojo, but you know its still there. If you're afraid that I'll be like a certain democrat prez candidate and flip flop with my beliefs, I do understand where that's tricky and you could get hurt...but all I can do is tell you I care and like you a lot...
So what's a sap like me to do? Nothing I guess. Get my mojo back, be friends with her, interact like I did when we first met, but now as friends... ya you never know, my mojo might spark some shit and she might like me again... but its unhealthy to think of such idealistic "Friends" type of scenario. Actually I have to work on not thinking too much, not being a jealous fuck, find the source of this irrational jealousy (which I realized is a manifestation of insecurity) and ya if I find another cool ass chick I'll be in fucking bliss.
--
Fucking movies make me sad.
So I rented some movies this weekend to get me out of boredom and avoid having to talk to relatives while eating bird. It's a few hrs before they invade my personal space, so I pop in a dvd. Eternal Sunshine with a Spotless Mind. Fuck its good, but it did a job on me cuz it didn't help me get my mind off S.
Carey, is me; a semi-straight laced mofo. Winslet is S; a multi-colored hair, fun loving, laid back, spontaneous kind of girl. Big fucking deal, you gotta have the square hook up with the artsy girl, or else this wouldn't be a artsy Focus Production, right?
The more I watched, the more I fucking miss you S. It reminded me of all the weird, random, funny shit we used to do. Laying on the floor of your living room in your apt in the summer trying to escape the heat. We toss that pink thing you call a pillow like a volleyball, setting it to each other as we lay next to each other. For some reason you'd try and poke me with brand named water bottle when I tried catching the pillow. Like that would distract me. When we met at that party, I really didn't expect anyone to show up that I've talked/seen/met before, but you and your anti-social self showed up, and at first your black framed plastic glasses caught my attention (yeah I have a thing for glasses). Actually I think your silence kind of intrigued me.
There were two memories that Carey was trying to hold to and not get erased that kinda got me all teary eyed. One when they're under the covers talking, and having a moment, and the other, when they were playing in bed trying to suffocate each other w/ pillows. I hold onto the time where S had me stay under the covers for fucking some 20 mins. It's cute, and also touching cuz she's making me do this cuz she wants to tell me something that's really private that I know not many people know.... I knew I really liked her at that point... to put that much trust into someone you hardly know. Yes, we're... or she's kinda fucked up that we did try and smother each other with pillows to see how long we could stand it....
This flick messed me up because I saw my jealous fuck in the movie. We went from fun loving people who love to spend time with each other, to people who felt like that had to tip toe around each other, like we're afraid to break relational egg shells. Hence why Winslet and Carey both decide they wanna zap each other's memories of each other. Weird thing is, in the middle of the reformatting, the fuck decides he wants to hold these memories. In the end they both realize that the whole reason why they wanted to zap their existence out of each other still exist, but they don't give a fuck anymore...cuz they love each other.
when S called me over to talk, and delivered the bad news, I wanted us to get emotional, wanted to be able to talk her out of this decision. But if you give a woman a week or so to think and determine a relationship, and the relationship has gone stale... shit, you're asking for trouble. I always thought it interesting how people think of her as the insensitive type, not expressing much, but it made me smile when she's totally into sappy romantic flicks. But again, that week of thinking about her decision fucked me over, and I ain't having no opportunity to change her mind. She even laid the "please respect the decision I've made..." phrase on me. Arrrrg, of course I have no other fucking choice to do so, cuz I fucking care and respect this woman... right?
So I'm writing this shit cuz I know she'll never find me on here; a good source of steam blowing, and express what I would have said if we were in some fucking off kilter romantic comedy.
Look S, I still miss you. I've been pretty level headed lately, thinking about how I've been your average male who fucked up, and became irrationally jealous when really there was no reason to feel that way because I should trust you, and know your a woman of integrity. Yeah I know I lost my mojo, but you know its still there. If you're afraid that I'll be like a certain democrat prez candidate and flip flop with my beliefs, I do understand where that's tricky and you could get hurt...but all I can do is tell you I care and like you a lot...
So what's a sap like me to do? Nothing I guess. Get my mojo back, be friends with her, interact like I did when we first met, but now as friends... ya you never know, my mojo might spark some shit and she might like me again... but its unhealthy to think of such idealistic "Friends" type of scenario. Actually I have to work on not thinking too much, not being a jealous fuck, find the source of this irrational jealousy (which I realized is a manifestation of insecurity) and ya if I find another cool ass chick I'll be in fucking bliss.