Take my thoughts for what they're worth.
It's getting colder each day. I can't wait for the first snowfall. I'm
getting more lonely as each day comes. As I see the light pour into my
room in the morning, I don't want to get up. I've gotten into the habit
of shutting myself in, and shutting people out. It's my defense
mechanism...but in this case, it doesn't make sense. I have no need to
defend myself. I have no threats. I just have a heavy heart and hope
that things will change for the better. What have I got to offer to
anyone? The answer is simple...myself. What you see is what you get.
After days of thinking, thinking, thinking, that's all I've come up
with. I am who I am. Even if I wanted to change, I wouldn't. Not for
anyone. If I'm not good enough as I am, then I'm not. I'm pushing
myself over that, "you're not good enough for anyone" edge. I know I
am. I just have to get myself to believe it. To know it. Because I am.
[That's me trying to be optimistic.]
I can't get over myself. Not in the way you're thinking. Not in that, "yes, I'm fucking conceited and better than everyone" way. In that, "it amazes me that I do some of the things I do" way. That's not really a positive or negative thing. That's just how I've started to feel, in general. I'm trying to tell myself I'm not crazy. But honestly, I can't be certain. I think everyone has a little bit of insanity in them. It's a general human trait. People do crazy things. Whether they be good or bad. So I guess I'm over it. I've gone over several aspects of my life lately, as if you couldn't tell.
I get just good enough at something that it scares me, and I talk myself into thinking I'm not really that good. So I let it go. Big flaw of mine, I guess. Because I do the same thing with people. At least the people I've been meeting lately. I get scared and let them go. Just like that. It just ends, somewhere, and then I think back to those people, and wonder what happened to them. I realised I just get scared and let go. I lose contact, drop all connections, do whatever I have to. There are those certain exceptions, don't get me wrong. I'm just generalizing here. My goal is to meet my ultimate match. Someone that understands what I'm doing and won't let me let go. I think I really need someone to understand me. I'm not sure how to express this certain thought . I know what I mean. I guess that's all that matters, so no need to go further into detail.
I'm trying to take responsibility for my own actions. Lost connections. Fights. Conflict. Drama. For shutting people out. Not saying, "well, you didn't call me, either." It's that easy. But I don't want it to be. I want to be the difference maker, you know? I know that I care enough to be, but I'm too worried about what other people will do or think. I AM scared of getting hurt again. But I want no excuses. I've had an overall adjustment to my character over the last week. My mentality has changed. Not completely. But it's different. I'm trying to be more confident, more out-spoken, more me. More the person I am with my friends...openly. They see who I am. It takes me a while to let other people in. There are also exceptions there. The one I'm thinking of, well, that's being saved for another time. He's in my thoughts, constantly though. I love exceptions. Totally unexpected. Anyway, my point is, I need to meet my match. I'm not asking for forever. I'm not.
I can't get over myself. Not in the way you're thinking. Not in that, "yes, I'm fucking conceited and better than everyone" way. In that, "it amazes me that I do some of the things I do" way. That's not really a positive or negative thing. That's just how I've started to feel, in general. I'm trying to tell myself I'm not crazy. But honestly, I can't be certain. I think everyone has a little bit of insanity in them. It's a general human trait. People do crazy things. Whether they be good or bad. So I guess I'm over it. I've gone over several aspects of my life lately, as if you couldn't tell.
I get just good enough at something that it scares me, and I talk myself into thinking I'm not really that good. So I let it go. Big flaw of mine, I guess. Because I do the same thing with people. At least the people I've been meeting lately. I get scared and let them go. Just like that. It just ends, somewhere, and then I think back to those people, and wonder what happened to them. I realised I just get scared and let go. I lose contact, drop all connections, do whatever I have to. There are those certain exceptions, don't get me wrong. I'm just generalizing here. My goal is to meet my ultimate match. Someone that understands what I'm doing and won't let me let go. I think I really need someone to understand me. I'm not sure how to express this certain thought . I know what I mean. I guess that's all that matters, so no need to go further into detail.
I'm trying to take responsibility for my own actions. Lost connections. Fights. Conflict. Drama. For shutting people out. Not saying, "well, you didn't call me, either." It's that easy. But I don't want it to be. I want to be the difference maker, you know? I know that I care enough to be, but I'm too worried about what other people will do or think. I AM scared of getting hurt again. But I want no excuses. I've had an overall adjustment to my character over the last week. My mentality has changed. Not completely. But it's different. I'm trying to be more confident, more out-spoken, more me. More the person I am with my friends...openly. They see who I am. It takes me a while to let other people in. There are also exceptions there. The one I'm thinking of, well, that's being saved for another time. He's in my thoughts, constantly though. I love exceptions. Totally unexpected. Anyway, my point is, I need to meet my match. I'm not asking for forever. I'm not.