(no subject)
i feel lonely and torn here. kind of a why am i here? sort of day. i've been in lanquin for almost a month and a half now and could be here for another month and a half or so. i really wish my spanish was better so i could travel alone for a bit while laryssa finishes up work here but yeah, doesn't seem to be happeneing.
everything is so stagnant here. i laze around and think of home a lot. i also think about everything i could be seeing if i spoke spanish a bit better. i really should have learned more before i left. people get hooked into this place it seems but i already feel over it. i want to move on and see some mayan ruins and the ocean and meet some more people in different cities, different countries.
but, i also long for autumn days. leggings, knee length skirts, rainboots, afternoons with tea and friends and watching the sunset on the fire escape [oh, lindsay] baths, nice skin, accesibility to tempeh [although that's not a huge deal really], riding my bicycle. fuck, so much.
i also miss my hair. i was looking at old photographs and i keep thinking, why oh why? although i do love my short short hair but i long for braids and side pony tails and ryan playing with my hair while we lay in bed.
martine probably isn't heading to guatemala anymore. she's most likely going straight to costa rica which means i feel pretty stuck. i don't want to travel alone and can't really because of my inability to speak spanish but i also just want a companion to experience this trip with. i have laryssa but she's occupied with work and then i feel stuck. i can't be angry though because i mean, i could have learned spanish before i left and headed out on my own for a bit but i didn't and that's only a fault of my own.
i feel like i'm just ranting. trying to get these thoughts out of my head but i'm confused as to why i'm here. i was running away and running to laryssa, my lovely girl that i missed so much and now i'm here, i did what i wanted and i still feel unfufilled. i feel like i can't open up to anything i'm experiencing. i'm closed and reminiscent for home and friends and the life that i love so much.
i want to go to newfoundland right now and look at the birds nesting on the islands. maybe learn a newfy accent and eat fish? yeah, no.
everything is so stagnant here. i laze around and think of home a lot. i also think about everything i could be seeing if i spoke spanish a bit better. i really should have learned more before i left. people get hooked into this place it seems but i already feel over it. i want to move on and see some mayan ruins and the ocean and meet some more people in different cities, different countries.
but, i also long for autumn days. leggings, knee length skirts, rainboots, afternoons with tea and friends and watching the sunset on the fire escape [oh, lindsay] baths, nice skin, accesibility to tempeh [although that's not a huge deal really], riding my bicycle. fuck, so much.
i also miss my hair. i was looking at old photographs and i keep thinking, why oh why? although i do love my short short hair but i long for braids and side pony tails and ryan playing with my hair while we lay in bed.
martine probably isn't heading to guatemala anymore. she's most likely going straight to costa rica which means i feel pretty stuck. i don't want to travel alone and can't really because of my inability to speak spanish but i also just want a companion to experience this trip with. i have laryssa but she's occupied with work and then i feel stuck. i can't be angry though because i mean, i could have learned spanish before i left and headed out on my own for a bit but i didn't and that's only a fault of my own.
i feel like i'm just ranting. trying to get these thoughts out of my head but i'm confused as to why i'm here. i was running away and running to laryssa, my lovely girl that i missed so much and now i'm here, i did what i wanted and i still feel unfufilled. i feel like i can't open up to anything i'm experiencing. i'm closed and reminiscent for home and friends and the life that i love so much.
i want to go to newfoundland right now and look at the birds nesting on the islands. maybe learn a newfy accent and eat fish? yeah, no.