(no subject)
this week has been very stressful for me. trying to decide what is important to me and what i should be doing right now. i kind of want to move away where no one knows me and start again. isolate myself for a time and then emerge new and fresh and feeling good about who i am because i honestly don't feel good about who i am right now and i cant meet new people and form new relationships or friendships when i feel uncomfortable with myself.
i've decided to head to guatemala. i'm purchasing a one way ticket and will be leaving the first week of august after i finish up some things here that need to be dealt with. i am quitting both of my jobs and will be gone for an indefinite amount of time. during this time laryssa and i will be traveling and i will hopefully get to travel the east coast of the states as well. i hope to head to maine to visit amy and michigan to see shaun. then i will come back to vancouver mainly to pick up some things and head to montreal. but all of that is so far in the future that it all may change. right now only guatemala is for sure.
this city has been awful to me the past few months, either that or i've been awful to it or some people in it that are very important to me but that i cannot continue on with. i haven't been myself in a very long time and i need to find that person again that made me happy to be on this planet. i need to not care about how people view me.
i have always wanted to be part of the "cool" kids and this past year i felt like i was becoming a part of that crowd and i have now realized that that crowd took me away from some people that meant more to me than anyone in this world. i have felt very lost and confused. uncaring and most of all untrustworthy. but at the same time through this crowd of people i felt no connection with i met two of the most amazing people. leaving mal and lindsay behind will of course be very hard but i need to do it for awhile, i need to leave this city and see life outside of the drama i am creating for myself. also these changes are not all bad, i am growing up i guess and learning what i like in life but there are certain things i have been doing that are very out of character for me...
i have hurt a lot of people in the past year or so and i need to leave and come back with a fresh mind and an understanding as to why apologies are needed or why i gave them in the first place.
i spoke to ryan the other night. it was a really good talk. it was probably the first good talk where i felt like we both understood each other and where we were coming from and why this break up makes sense. we did grow apart and that was needed because through this horrible point in my life i have realized how much i have changed in the past year and how i actually hate myself and who i've become. i want to find myself again and to do that i need to be alone.
breaking my phone in half was another step in this process.
i have hurt a lot of fucking people and i need to go back to my home, and right now laryssa is my home. she was always the one i felt most comfortable around and who i could always go to for anything and she could always come to me. both of us are going through hard times and in a months time we will be back together taking on the world.
ryan told me in our conversation that i needed to look for the people most important to me and the first people i thought of were him and laryssa. ryan and i obviously need to be apart but together and laryssa and i just need to be together. ryan and i are going to be best friends and it's going to be fucking rad but it is going to take some time and going to guatemala will be that time.
you may say i'm running away but i see it differently, i'm running home, fast and happily, with a tinge of sadness i guess. laryssa and i have always been fucking emo.
anyway, this is the mozt crazy ramble ever but here's to letting you know other things. i have started drawing again for the first time in over a month. the guy who i hit on my bicycle is claiming no responsibility for the accident which means i'm going to kick his ass and tomorrow i am going to try and relax and have dinner with lindsay. my life is great right now. sometimes i sill cry but i haven't cried in over twenty four hours which makes me smile and feel a bit more comfortable with myself.
goodnight starlight.
i've decided to head to guatemala. i'm purchasing a one way ticket and will be leaving the first week of august after i finish up some things here that need to be dealt with. i am quitting both of my jobs and will be gone for an indefinite amount of time. during this time laryssa and i will be traveling and i will hopefully get to travel the east coast of the states as well. i hope to head to maine to visit amy and michigan to see shaun. then i will come back to vancouver mainly to pick up some things and head to montreal. but all of that is so far in the future that it all may change. right now only guatemala is for sure.
this city has been awful to me the past few months, either that or i've been awful to it or some people in it that are very important to me but that i cannot continue on with. i haven't been myself in a very long time and i need to find that person again that made me happy to be on this planet. i need to not care about how people view me.
i have always wanted to be part of the "cool" kids and this past year i felt like i was becoming a part of that crowd and i have now realized that that crowd took me away from some people that meant more to me than anyone in this world. i have felt very lost and confused. uncaring and most of all untrustworthy. but at the same time through this crowd of people i felt no connection with i met two of the most amazing people. leaving mal and lindsay behind will of course be very hard but i need to do it for awhile, i need to leave this city and see life outside of the drama i am creating for myself. also these changes are not all bad, i am growing up i guess and learning what i like in life but there are certain things i have been doing that are very out of character for me...
i have hurt a lot of people in the past year or so and i need to leave and come back with a fresh mind and an understanding as to why apologies are needed or why i gave them in the first place.
i spoke to ryan the other night. it was a really good talk. it was probably the first good talk where i felt like we both understood each other and where we were coming from and why this break up makes sense. we did grow apart and that was needed because through this horrible point in my life i have realized how much i have changed in the past year and how i actually hate myself and who i've become. i want to find myself again and to do that i need to be alone.
breaking my phone in half was another step in this process.
i have hurt a lot of fucking people and i need to go back to my home, and right now laryssa is my home. she was always the one i felt most comfortable around and who i could always go to for anything and she could always come to me. both of us are going through hard times and in a months time we will be back together taking on the world.
ryan told me in our conversation that i needed to look for the people most important to me and the first people i thought of were him and laryssa. ryan and i obviously need to be apart but together and laryssa and i just need to be together. ryan and i are going to be best friends and it's going to be fucking rad but it is going to take some time and going to guatemala will be that time.
you may say i'm running away but i see it differently, i'm running home, fast and happily, with a tinge of sadness i guess. laryssa and i have always been fucking emo.
anyway, this is the mozt crazy ramble ever but here's to letting you know other things. i have started drawing again for the first time in over a month. the guy who i hit on my bicycle is claiming no responsibility for the accident which means i'm going to kick his ass and tomorrow i am going to try and relax and have dinner with lindsay. my life is great right now. sometimes i sill cry but i haven't cried in over twenty four hours which makes me smile and feel a bit more comfortable with myself.
goodnight starlight.