[Saturday, January 7 - evening]
[charmed for self]
So I've been putting off writing in here since I've got back I want to remember what's happened, but at the same time, I'm so confused and frusterated that I don't at the same time.
New years..was a different story from the rest of my holidays. It started out brilliantly; Taylor and I had a contest to see how many people we could get to dance with us, and I won by a stroke of genius in the form of a conga line. And we took a walk and talked, and had a snowball fight and then all of a sudden it was midnight and he..kissed me on the cheek. I don't get it..I thought we had more than that? Because everytime I'm positive that all he wants is friendship he goes and does or says something that definitely suggests otherwise, well, according to me, that is. Maybe I'm looking too much into this.
Anyways, the usual cycle follows shortly afterwards. I don't know how much more I can take of this. The rational part of my brain, if there is a rational part, is telling me that we're never going to be anything more than friends. But some other part, the vast majority of it, is still hopeful? Merlin, I'm a moron. But I can't imagine not having any sort of 'relationship' with him..even if it's just friends. I suppose that's all we'll ever be. And I'll deal, I'll try my best. And I'll try not to get jealous when I see him on his usual quests to snog the randoms..or if he starts dating someone..Actually, I don't want to think about that. At all. It might very well drive me mad. Merlin, I haven't seen him all week..what if that's what he's been doing? Erlack, why am I so paranoid.
I just read this entry..I'm a mess! What is wrong with my brain? I need to focus on something else..Like the scheme. The scheme will preoccupy me, for now.
So I've been putting off writing in here since I've got back I want to remember what's happened, but at the same time, I'm so confused and frusterated that I don't at the same time.
New years..was a different story from the rest of my holidays. It started out brilliantly; Taylor and I had a contest to see how many people we could get to dance with us, and I won by a stroke of genius in the form of a conga line. And we took a walk and talked, and had a snowball fight and then all of a sudden it was midnight and he..kissed me on the cheek. I don't get it..I thought we had more than that? Because everytime I'm positive that all he wants is friendship he goes and does or says something that definitely suggests otherwise, well, according to me, that is. Maybe I'm looking too much into this.
Anyways, the usual cycle follows shortly afterwards. I don't know how much more I can take of this. The rational part of my brain, if there is a rational part, is telling me that we're never going to be anything more than friends. But some other part, the vast majority of it, is still hopeful? Merlin, I'm a moron. But I can't imagine not having any sort of 'relationship' with him..even if it's just friends. I suppose that's all we'll ever be. And I'll deal, I'll try my best. And I'll try not to get jealous when I see him on his usual quests to snog the randoms..or if he starts dating someone..Actually, I don't want to think about that. At all. It might very well drive me mad. Merlin, I haven't seen him all week..what if that's what he's been doing? Erlack, why am I so paranoid.
I just read this entry..I'm a mess! What is wrong with my brain? I need to focus on something else..Like the scheme. The scheme will preoccupy me, for now.